Keyholders need TLC. Tops have needs too.

(Wednesday, May 14 2014) Most of what you read about forced male chastity is about how to deal with a caged male. Most of it is written by caged males, including me. If you go by what you read, the keyholder has the best job in the world; she gets anything she wants any time she wants. I remember when I was a top, I would ask self-proclaimed submissive women what they give back to their tops in exchange for the effort it takes to top them. Almost every new bottom answered, “The gift of my submission.” Some gift!

Topping is work. A successful keyholder, even in a rather vanilla relationship, has to put in substantial effort to support her caged male. She has to decide what he must do, how long to keep him locked, discipline, teasing, ruined orgasms, and other entertainments for him. The problem is that many caged males refuse to understand the reality of their caged male/keyholder relationships. The fantasy is that the caged male is a sexual captive who can only orgasm or even get erect at the whim of his keyholder. She, on the other hand, can demand endless sexual gratification at any time from him. He also may be required to perform domestic and personal tasks for his keyholder. In that context it does sound like the keyholder has all the goodies and the caged male is Cinderella hoping for some sexual scraps. That’s the fantasy. One reason many keyholders soon lose interest in forced male chastity is that the reality is very different. Let’s look at it from the keyholder’s perspective.

One day her partner tells her that he has been dreaming of forced male chastity. She agrees to lock him up because it is clearly something he wants badly. The early days are filled with mutual discoveries. Both keyholder and caged male enjoy this new game. She enjoys being pleasured at will. She probably also likes that her male is now paying much more attention to her. This chastity honeymoon goes on for a while. She learns about rules and discipline, toys, pegging, and other topping activities. Most keyholders don’t even realize that they are, in fact, topping.

The honeymoon ends when the keyholder realizes that even though her caged male is at her beck and call, she only gets sex when she demands it and lets him know exactly what she wants. She wakes up to the fact that she is spending considerable time and energy keeping him entertained with rules, punishments, and whatever else they do. In short, she discovers that topping is work. This is when WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) cuts in. She realizes that everything is coming from her. The caged male receives her attention, but she only gets what she demands in the context of topping.

In the BDSM world, this is known as “top drop”. The top feels let down. This is made worse by her own values changing. She learned it isn’t nice to hurt others or frustrate them. Now, her main purpose is to do that to her love; her caged male. This takes an emotional toll. Gone are the soft moments when he shared love and affection. They are replaced by her being a demanding bitch. Why is she doing this? What is she getting out of it? The standard male answer is “everything.” To many women it feels just the opposite. Her male has gone from lover to elaborate vibrator, providing orgasms on demand. This may sound extreme. I used this language intentionally. The key is that there is a growing imbalance between the keyholder and her male.

A friend of mine once described this problem very simply: The bottom gets “done” – receives sensation and emotional gratification from the top. The top “does” – performs the work needed to “do” the bottom. Even if the top likes doing, she is still working and giving while the bottom just has to receive. If the keyholder / caged male relationship is to survive, something must happen to restore balance.

First of all, the chores and sex on demand must be discounted. They are being performed because it fits the caged male’s bottom role. The keyholder has to do something in order to get those “benefits”. The caged male can not live in the forced chastity fantasy 24/7. If he does, his poor keyholder will almost certainly burn out. The male must go out of his forced chastity role and provide for the well being of his keyholder. What does this involve?

First thing, after the keyholder disciplines, pegs, or otherwise entertains her male, he should recognize that this effort took a physical and emotional toll. When the session is done, he should hold, kiss, and thank his keyholder for the effort she put in to support him. Not part of the fantasy? Too bad. If you want to do this long term, you better get used to supporting your keyholder. She needs to know that you appreciate what she is doing and that it is ok that she teases and frustrates you. You may hate breaking the mood, but for her well being, she needs to hear that she is doing something you want and like.

Another critical step is to take very regular vacations from forced chastity. During these chastity vacations, the male is uncaged and not subject to the rules or orders of his keyholder. She goes back to being his partner and lover. Go on a date. Eat out, watch a movie, make out, and make love. This time tihe man makes the moves. She gets to feel loved without the chastity overlay. Some couples reserve a weekend a month, others a day each weekend. You both have to decide and agree on how you will work this.

Keyholders, if your partner reads this and decides that he can’t possibly get out of chastity mode, then you should seriously consider if you want to continue locking him up. Top drop can turn into depression and feelings of failure. Just like I need to hear that I am a good boy, lioness needs to know how much I appreciate her hard work to cage me and support forced chastity. She needs to know that I want to have sex with her. I love it when she tells me what she wants, but even if she never tells me, I still want her. Chastity is something we do. It isn’t who we are.