Domestic Discipline Vs Female Led Relationship
Most of the stuff written about domestic discipline centers around physical punishment. The most disturbing aspect appears to be administration of punishments. Most of the blogs on the subject write in amazing detail about punishing the errant spouse. I don’t think that is the most important thing about domestic discipline.
From what I’ve read, most bloggers seem to think that domestic discipline is for some, the punishment side of a female led relationship. I disagree. A FLR can be many things. At the least, the female partner has the last say on decisions. How day-to-day living goes can be completely vanilla. The woman is in charge in the same way the man is in charge of a traditional relationship.
There is no more implication of obedience than in a vanilla relationship. There is no BDSM mistress stuff needed. It can be there, but it isn’t a component of the FLR. In fact there is nothing radical about it. Probably most people practicing it have no notion of the idea that this sort of thing has a name. It’s just who is in charge. She is.
Domestic discipline, on the other hand, carries a very different meaning. In our case, Mrs. Lion is the disciplining wife. Most DD relationships are male-led. In the DD relationship, the Head of House (HOH) takes on much more than just being the decider. She controls her mate in many ways. The primary control is obedience. The disciplined husband (me) agrees to blindly obey his disciplining wife (Mrs. Lion). Any failure to obey or please the HOH results in punishment.
That means that Mrs. Lion doesn’t just makes decisions for us, she controls any aspect of my life she wishes. For example, she wants me to wear red underpants. I don’t own a single pair of any other color. She wants to always eat first. I wait or get punished. The punishment isn’t an exciting BDSM activity. It is a serious act of retribution designed to make me remember to follow my rule.
My point is that domestic discipline isn’t about discipline. It is about obedience. In most mature DD relationships, punishment is very rare. The disciplined husband obeys and behaves as the HOH wishes. Slips are few and far between. When they occur, punishment is swift and severe.
My DD relationship is the very extreme cousin of FLR. Punishment is probably the least extreme aspect of it. Most significant is the level of control my HOH maintains. There is no aspect of my life she can’t dictate. I don’t get a vote. I can’t say no. Do as she says or suffer a painful reminder of who’s in charge.
That doesn’t mean Mrs. Lion is in charge of everything. She lets me pay the bills and make many of the family decisions. Of course, she always has a veto, but she let’s me handle a lot. I’m not her simpering slave. I’m her masculine husband who can do what he likes as long as she allows him. I love, honor and obey.
Rolling With the Punches
We’ve been in a lull since, well for a long time. Lion’s allergies kicked in and then he got the surgery news. He hasn’t been in the mood. And anytime I try to arouse him, he apologizes for not being arouse-able. Of course there’s no reason to apologize. For my part, to get myself in the habit of play, it’s important that I make an attempt. Otherwise I’ll let things go again and poor Lion will not have any play in his life.
I’ve even given punishment the day(s) off. I owe Lion some swats for leaving his training collar home on one of our outings. I caught him again on Friday, but gave him a pass since he had visions of MRIs and surgery dancing in his head. Too many things to think about without remembering a training collar. I don’t think I’m letting things go so I don’t have to do them. I think I’m letting them go because Lion needs some space.
Lion has been wild for weeks. Initially it was because he was going to get an orgasm a day. Then it turned into an orgasm every few days. Obviously he couldn’t be caged for the MRI and now he’s just wild because we’re not really in that mode for the moment. We’re all about figuring out what needs to happen if he has surgery. How will he pee if he’s in the sling and dressed? How will he buckle his belt? How will he pet the dog if he sleeps on the right side of the bed and it’s his right shoulder that will be incapacitated?
The last one might be silly, but since his nightstand is on the right side, not being able to reach the dog also means he can’t reach the nightstand. Just some of the things we have to think about. I am maybe a little more “skilled” at thinking about the tiniest details in recuperation because of my parents. After hearing doctors tell my post-polio mother, “Just jump up on the exam table for me.”, I know things are not always as simple as they seem.
Tonight is punishment night. He hasn’t reminded me yet. I guess I just gave away my right to punish him for tonight. But I will give him the swats I owe him already. Unless he’s in too much pain. Roll with the punches. That’s what it’s all about right now.
Nurse 2.0
I’m sure you’re tired of hearing about my shoulder. I’m tired of thinking about it. Mrs. Lion has been writing about dealing with a grumpy, potentially-toddler lion. That’s how it must look from the outside. I remember what it was like when I was recovering from kidney stone removal. I was in considerable pain caused by a stent placed between my kidney and bladder. I was taking strong, narcotic drugs.
I felt helpless and frightened. The drug made me feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I didn’t feel safe wandering around. I remember being very thirsty. I wanted some cold water. I had no real sense of time. I just wanted a drink. Mrs. Lion was downstairs on her computer. I realized that I couldn’t call her — I could but my fuzzy mind didn’t know how — and I wanted a drink.
I was impatient and grumpy when she came upstairs. I suppose that’s what she considered toddler behavior. I wanted something and I wanted it now. It wasn’t easy to deal with me. I was miserable.
Obviously, there is a big gap between the patient and care giver. I’m not a good patient. I’m used to fending for myself. I’m genetically built to be independent. Did I tell you that I hate narcotic drugs? I loved the way the pain just disappeared, but hated my loss of coordination and ability to think clearly.
As I’ve mentioned in prior posts, I’m not a bit submissive by nature. I can’t mentally convert the experience of medical helplessness into a submissive adventure. At least I don’t think I can. But what if I could?
First the realities: I will be in a lot of pain, so clear thinking about my behavior is difficult-to-impossible. That means I need clear, workable rules to simplify Mrs. Lion’s extra work caring for me. In the first two or three weeks, the best I can do is try to control letting my frustration with the pain transfer to my treatment of Mrs. Lion. If 2.0 is helping her, she can be a firm-and-loving nurse. She will need 2.0 to help her.
The key, I think, is direction. If Mrs. Lion just reacts to me, we can slip into the same toddler mess we had before. But if 2.0 provides direction and limits, I can probably follow them even in my drugged state.
The hardest thing about a 24/7 power exchange is exactly the same as it is when I am a patient: the feeling of frustration that follows feeling powerless. Add to that the fear I have of being unable to do even the simplest things and you have an unstable lion.
Mrs. Lion’s experience with her parents is a wonderful model of how things should be. Of course, they had many years living with their disabilities. They probably made all of their mistakes before my lioness was born. We have to start from scratch. It won’t be easy for her. I’m very worried about that.
I don’t mean to be cheesy, but I believe our FLR will provide us with a framework that will support both of us during this difficult time. I’m not sure I will have the surgery. If I do, 2.0 will trade in her paddle for a nurse’s uniform.
In Sickness and In Health
I’ve been thinking a lot about Lion’s surgery. I know he has too. One minute he wants the surgery. The next minute he doesn’t. He’s very worried that I won’t want to be with him afterwards. He did annoy me once when he was on narcotics. I knew it was the drug talking, but it still bothered me. Obviously I got over it. He is fairly demanding when he’s sick. Even when he just has a cold he wants me to be with him all the time. I won’t sugar coat it. It will be difficult after his surgery, but here’s the thing:
Two things, actually. I think I may have mentioned my parents before. They were both handicapped. My father was my mother’s legs and my mother was my father’s arms. They held each other up. I won’t say together they made a whole person because they each did very well on their own. My mother was often bed-ridden. My father did the laundry, cooked, cleaned, emptied bedpans, etc. He never once complained that he had to do it. He never once said he’d be better off with someone else. He never once said he couldn’t take it anymore. It was just what he did because my mother needed him to do it. Likewise, when he was sick or needed an extra hand, my mother was always right there. I’m sure she had no idea what part of the tractor she was holding for him so he could get a bolt loose. She just held it because he needed it held. It’s what you do when someone you know needs help.
The other thing that occurs to me is that I’m in charge. Sick or not, in pain or not, I can put a stop to Lion’s behavior by telling him he’s being a toddler. He’ll need my help so it would behoove him not to piss me off. Except, I don’t think he knows when he’s being a toddler. If he does, he may not be able to stop himself when he’s in pain or on drugs. I’ll need to be able to put my foot down. I’ll need 2.0 to be here. It won’t be from a punishment perspective. It will be from a self-preservation perspective. I’ll be helping Lion. 2.0 will be helping me.
We’re going to the doctor on Wednesday. At this point, we’re still in fact-finding mode. Lion needs to gather information from work and decide when surgery might fit in with his schedule. In the meantime, we’re looking into everything we need if he has the surgery. What will my schedule look like? Can I even leave him alone to go to work right after the surgery? What pillows/sleeping arrangements does he need? He’s been looking at the big picture and I follow up with the little details he hasn’t thought of. It’s no surprise we’re working together on this. It certainly affects both of us. I’m a little surprised Lion thinks I wouldn’t want to be with him in the face of adversity. It’s not like we didn’t make it through his long unemployment together. I’m a fairly tough broad. I can take it.
