Mrs. Lion and I have been having a dialogue about a couple of things that concern us. The first is that when Mrs. Lion reads a blog written about enforced male chastity or domestic discipline, she notices that the keyholder or disciplinary partner enjoy what they do. For example, Julie of strictJuliespanks.blogspot.com writes about being turned on when she beats her husband. Mrs. Lion not only isn’t turned on, but she doesn’t particularly like beating me. She does it and does it very well because it’s something that is part of our relationship and something I need. She says that she gets a feeling of inadequacy that she can’t get pleasure for herself out of doing this.
I think that many bloggers tend to exaggerate to some degree, since the male fantasies about disciplinary relationships almost always seem to include the idea that the woman enjoys her role and gets pleasure out of exercising her power over her male. I’m sure that some women enjoy spanking their husbands. I’m pretty sure that most of them are doing BDSM scenes and not domestic discipline. From what I can learn reading a bit more extensively than Mrs. Lion, the disciplinary wives don’t consider spanking their husbands as recreational or sexual. They do it as a way of helping their husbands change and become better. The only satisfaction for them is seeing how he improves thanks to their disciplinary attention.
Just because some disciplined husbands (like me) get aroused thinking about being punished, doesn’t mean that our partners share this sexual interest. If anything, the disciplinary wives use this sexual interest in spanking as a way to keep their husbands ready and willing to be punished as needed. I’ve never seen any disciplinary wife write that she enjoyed beating her husband.
In a relationship there are lots of things that appeal more to one partner than the other. This is absolutely the case in a disciplinary relationship. Our approach to getting this going is a bit unusual. The somewhat silly rules that earn me spankings were intentionally created by Mrs. Lion to give us lots of opportunities for her to punish me. This is almost a BDSM scenario. The point of it is to teach her to become very aware of my behavior and to consciously react to it with spankings.
The idea is that we get to practice observing offenses and then punishing them. Ultimately, we end up with Mrs. Lion observing more serious and meaningful offenses, like interrupting her or treating her in a way that makes her feel badly. Instead of internalizing and withdrawing when I do things like that, hopefully she will react the same way she does when I spill food on my shirt. At that point we have true domestic discipline.
The second area we have been discussing is the intensity of her spankings. Another reason we decided to punish trivial offenses is to essentially “tune up” her spanking. When we first started playing and Mrs. Lion spanked me, I could barely feel her hand on my bottom. Over a few years, she has learned to bruise my bottom without a second thought. Since we began our Female Led Relationship with Discipline (FLRD), she has been dialing up the severity of my spankings, at my request, by the way, so that they would be unmistakably disciplinary and not something I would get in a scene. Her concern is how we she will know when she has severe enough.
She’s commented that it concerns her that she might be unable to go far enough. In her post yesterday, she said that she would be unable to bring me to tears. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think that she’s quite close to the level of severity necessary to send a strong message. I also suspect that over time the severity will increase to avoid me getting “used to” her spanking intensity. I guess what I’m saying is that right now she’s at a point that will definitely work. Let’s say that this is the minimum lesson-teaching level of spanking. Let’s also say that I’m confident that if she wants to become more intense I am able to manage it. This gives her the latitude to decide how far she wants to go. The spanking I got on Monday night absolutely works to send the message to me. As I sit in my office, I can feel it even though I’m sitting on a nice, cushioned chair. I think that is where I was hoping she would go with her spanking.
I also think that the paddle she is using is the most effective tool I have felt. I believe she agrees. Even though there is a large collection of paddles in her arsenal, maybe sticking with this one for punishment makes sense. We can get another for the trailer if she agrees. I believe that just showing me that paddle will affect my behavior.
Mrs. Lion does not have to feel inferior to other dominant bloggers because she isn’t getting the requisite thrill out of beating me. I don’t believe that’s the point at all. Unfortunately, there really aren’t any bloggers I know of who write about the kind of experiences we are having. The people I read who practice domestic discipline never write about the actual spankings because they aren’t relevant to domestic discipline. It goes without saying, that those spankings are severe and their disciplined husbands fear them. There has never been any suggestion that the women enjoy doing this. There is always a sense that the men get some sexual feeling when they think about being punished. That’s why most of us disciplined husbands need “maintenance” spankings if too much time goes by between actual offenses. From what I’ve read, most of the wives are willing to do this. The maintenance spankings are always the same intensity as punishments. I am one of these men who need “maintenance” spankings if I haven’t earned one in a few weeks. Exactly how much time has to go by before one is needed I don’t know. I’ll leave timing in the hands of Mrs. Lion.
The Internet makes learning about practices like ours easier, but also allows a great deal of distortion by people writing about them. I think this causes Mrs. Lion some concern when she reads bloggers who claim to enjoy punishing their partners. If they do, it’s not really punishment; it’s a scene. If the husband enjoys the spanking, it’s probably a scene. However, if he gets aroused thinking about being spanked but hates getting one, there’s a good chance it’s an effective punishment.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with anticipating a punishment with arousal. It doesn’t take more than a minute or two for me to realize that what I was aroused about isn’t happening to me. It’s something else. Once it gets through my head that what’s happening isn’t for my entertainment, I am really unhappy I’m bent over the bed being beaten. I start regretting why I got myself into this predicament.
It helps if Mrs. Lion reminds me why I’m suffering. Frequently she doesn’t. When she does, I think about what I’ve done as I’m yelping in pain. This stuff isn’t simple. It’s complex and has deep implications within the relationship. In our marriage, FLRD is effective and improves the way we relate to one another. During the time that I was recovering from spinal surgery and everything was suspended, we both missed our disciplinary relationship. I don’t think we have to fully understand why it works. All I can say is that we both have learned that it is what we should do and if we stop we both miss it. The key word is “both”. Even though Mrs. Lion doesn’t get a thrill out of beating me, she gets some value that she misses if we stop. That’s why we keep on.