2018 (Page 166)

I never really spent a lot of time thinking about how my masturbation might affect others. I was genuinely surprised that Mrs. Lion had no idea that I jerked off. I barely gave it a thought. It was just something I did when horny and the prospect of partner sex was unlikely.

I will admit that I had the occasional fantasy of women making me masturbate while they watched. It was never a very hot fantasy, but sometimes while playing with myself it played on my fantasy movie screen. It was far from my go-to fantasy. It’s been so long that I’m not sure what got me across the goal line.

It almost certainly had some BDSM components. I always imagined it was someone else’s hand stroking me. Mostly it was just a way to scratch an itch. I’m not claiming I never liked jerking off. It was usually fun to come. Sometimes, even that wasn’t particularly pleasant.

On the other hand, I genuinely enjoy hand jobs. Mrs. Lion is an expert at delivering them. We both agree she doesn’t need lube. I never used any when I did it myself. Sometimes Mrs. Lion does use lube. It’s nice as a change, but dry rubs usually feel best.

As I said before, I never gave masturbation a lot of thought. The fact is that over the last four years the vast majority of sexual attention I’ve received is via Mrs. Lion’s hand. She almost always edges me with her hand. On rare occasions she uses the Magic Wand. Even less frequently, I get edged orally.

Actual orgasms are two-thirds by hand or vibrator. About a third of the time I get to come in her mouth. We haven’t had vaginal sex in over a year. I haven’t used my hand since December 2013.

A hand job is masturbation. It’s just not my hand doing it. So I can’t claim I don’t like it. I love it. I’m masturbated instead of masturbating. That is, for me at least, a big difference. Mrs. Lion’s hand feels orders of magnitude better than mine.

That brings me to a point I only considered for the first time today: Would I be as humiliated if I were masturbated in front of others as I would if I did it myself? If Mrs. Lion brought a friend home, had me strip, and then gave me a hand job in front of her friend, I think I would be more humiliated than if I did it with my own hand.

There’s the aspect of being naked and aroused in front of fully dressed women. That would be the same in both cases. If I had to jerk off, I could drift away into my own world. I would be embarrassed. However, if Mrs. Lion jerked me off and carried on a conversation while doing it, there would be a heightened sense of humiliation because making me come would just be part of a demonstration of how I am sexually treated.

I would feel more like an animal giving a “donation” by being dispassionately milked. Since this has never happened and is unlikely to be something that Mrs. Lion would do, I’ll never find out what it’s like. I can imagine that I would have a hard time getting off if treated this way. I’m sure that eventually I would. What do you think about this sort of treatment?

In reaction to Mrs. Lion’s post In or Out, Julie had this comment about me masturbating:

“I say keep him free and have some fun with his masturbation. Make him do it in front of you while you watch and giggle. Making him swallow afterwards is a fun little “consequence”. Or allow him the freedom to masturbate as he pleases, but he must tell you afterwards and suffer a beaten butt as a consequence. Or if you catch him at it red-handed, double consequences! I enjoy my husband’s incessant need to tug on his penis like a little monkey, and have fun with it.”

This is interesting and very different to how Mrs. Lion considers my jerking off. When we first began male chastity, I told her that I masturbated. She was genuinely surprised. I reacted with some surprise of my own. For about five years, there was almost no sex. Generally, I got a hand job once a month. She must have imagined that I was OK with that. I wasn’t.

I had been masturbating about twice a week that entire time. Anyway, Mrs. Lion apparently had no idea I did that. When I told her, she had me jerk off while she watched. It was more educational for her than humiliating for me. When I finished, I was locked into my chastity device.

Subsequently, she wrote how she considered me masturbating as a mild form of sexual betrayal. She made it very clear that she would consider masturbation a serious breach of marital trust. I haven’t masturbated since that night in December 2013.

Julie’s suggestion is an interesting humiliation scenario. I can’t imagine me doing it. I’ve lost masturbation as a sexual choice for me. I can’t explain exactly why or how, but I just don’t even think about jerking off. Left to my own devices, it would take a lot before I would even try.

Would I feel humiliated if Mrs. Lion made me do it in front of her? I don’t think so. I would be so intent on trying to execute this now-extinct maneuver, that I doubt I would even realize she was watching.

In order for Julie’s suggestion to be effective, I would somehow have to relearn to enjoy jerking off. That may sound odd, but it’s true. I’ve been conditioned to remove masturbation from my sexual repertoire. Seriously, I have. I don’t think Mrs. Lion wants to retrain me to like it again.