November 2014 (Page 6)

Yesterday, with all the talk of Lion topping from the bottom, his feelings were hurt. It seemed like people were attacking him. The only one allowed to hurt Lion is me and that’s only during play. So last night I decided to do just that.

I unlocked him to give him some much needed attention. It’s only been a few days since his orgasm so he is not incredibly horny yet. Still, Mr. Weenie does like to be stroked and fondled. I don’t think he was counting on the fact that his balls would be whomped.

I was proud of him. He squirmed only a tiny bit. I know it was hurting, but he took it very well. At one point he took twenty hard whacks. Poor Lion. In between whacks I stroked him. Eventually I edged him three times and then gave him his customary oral attention. I didn’t spend too much time with my mouth. It was too tempting. I might have taken a bonus orgasm if I had continued.

That’s actually the real problem. Not that he wants to come so badly. But that I want him to come so badly. So I steal one now and then. And again, people think I am too nice to him. Heck no! It’s me I’m being nice to. I love giving him orgasms. I love how he tastes.

I think tonight he’ll get some more attention. Maybe some more pain. Maybe some anal training. No orgasm though. Not till the 26th.

Over the last ten months, we have been growing into our enforced chastity. Mrs. Lion has made no secret of the fact that it isn’t her choice that she tops me. As she’s said as recently as yesterday, she is my keyholder because I want her to do that for me She never expressed a deep-seated need to make me wait for orgasms or to beat my butt. She never considered it hot to see me in a chastity device desperate to get release. She never wanted to be in charge.

I’m the one who wanted to be caged. I want her to spank me and to make me wait for an orgasm. I’m the one who wants to be tied to the bed. I am the one who wanted to be a bottom. Since she had no interest in any of this until I asked, there is no reason to expect her to know the first thing about topping.  It would be stupid and self defeating idea for me to ask her to be my keyholder on Monday and on Tuesday have her turn into an experience dominatrix. What’s more, it is equally insane to expect me to express my long held desire to bottom on a full time basis and then expect me to become a perfectly submissive male. If you’ve been reading us for a while, you know that we have slowly, and sometimes painfully, begun learning and accepting our roles. It hasn’t been easy for either of us.

Topping, or being a keyholder, is not something people do instinctively — at least most people don’t.  It has to be learned. There is a lot of stuff on the Internet about topping and bottoming, most of it written by people who have never done either. There is some good stuff, but it is quite rare. My background is real life topping and bottoming (not much of that). I’ve been a member of a very large leather organization for more than 25 years. I learned my trade (topping mostly) in dungeons and in workshops conducted by experts. I’ve led workshops on many important topping techniques. I learned by doing, not reading.

When we were first together, I took Mrs. Lion to some leather events. She was uncomfortable. I can’t blame her. It can be scary and overwhelming. It was made worse because I knew everyone and she was brand new. We stopped going. She wasn’t interested in public play or in learning in workshops. Fair enough.

Now, a decade later, we both realize that I need to bottom and the by ignoring that, we lost intimacy in our relationship. It became obvious to us both that something had to change. So, last year I revisited enforced chastity. I looked at devices and bought a couple of cheap ones. Eventually, I talked about enforced chastity with Mrs. Lion. She agreed to try it.

More importantly, we began talking about what would work and what wouldn’t. We remembered our last attempts at play. They were brief and not satisfactory. We agreed that if this were to be different, we would have to be much more committed. Enforced chastity is perfect for that. If she decided to drift off and stop playing, if I wanted to come I would have to remind her that I was at her mercy. My penis made sure we would keep going.

Another problem that any new keyholder faces is learning exactly what will work for her male. It isn’t that she is a puppet being topped from the bottom. It’s that topping anyone requires a lot of knowledge. You have to know how to use the techniques you want to apply. You must know what your bottom wants, doesn’t want, expects, and hates. Most importantly, as a top,  you want to train your bottom to want you to take control. That process begins by doing what your bottom wants; letting him make “suggestions” and then following them. That builds trust.

It also helps you develop skills and knowledge. Over time the suggestions become less important. You understand what works and doesn’t work. You develop preferences in terms of activities. You are a baby top. Over more time  you will become more and more independent. Your bottom will learn to simply accept what you choose to do. You both grow into your roles.

That’s what’s been happening with us. We are evolving in our roles. As you read this blog you can see this evolution. I realize that we may be moving slower than some and faster than others. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that ten months later I am still locked in my device and Mrs. Lion is grabbing my leash and taking more control. That’s progress!

I hesitate to title this post in such a way that suggests Lion is topping from the bottom any more than he’s already been accused of. But let me be clear, he is caged because he wants to be caged. We play because he wants to play. He has the experience, both as top and bottom. I am learning from him. He is helping me understand what he wants and how to go about doing it. I do this to make him happy.

In a perfect world, he would have a real top. Someone who knows what she’s doing. Someone who doesn’t need to be reminded that she’s in
charge. Someone who likes to be in charge. Instead he has me. And I do these things for him because I love him more than anything and I would
do almost anything for him.

I am fighting more against myself than him. It’s difficult for me to be in charge. It’s difficult for me to hurt him. Sure, I’ve gotten better. Sure, I have my “aha” moments. I realize it’s frustrating for Lion and for our readers to see me fumbling around like an idiot. Welcome to my world. But while it’s difficult for me to learn to become a top, it’s difficult for him to learn to become a bottom. For most of Lion’s life he’s been in charge. He’s good at it. He likes it. It’s hard to let that go. Even though he wants to.

If left to my own devices, I would not be in charge of Lion. I would not be playing with him. But when we stopped last time everything ended. No sex. No intimacy. No communication. I do not want to go back to that, so I am committed to doing what Lion wants and needs.

Sometimes it does feel like Lion is topping from the bottom, but I’m starting to see it as more of a gentle nudge to get me on track. Whatever he’s doing, he’s gotten us this far. In the future I may need less and less guidance from him, but I appreciate his patience with me. Neither one of us is easy to teach.

Things are changing here in our den. In her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion announced that any attention she provides to me should “count” toward her self-imposed every-other-day minimum lion attention schedule. I like to just count teasing, but as she correctly said, that is completely up to her. You may be confused why there is a schedule at all. Mrs. Lion is in charge and can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She imposed the schedule on herself because she wants to be sure she is regularly attending to me. In the past, our sexual activities have just fallen out of our lives. To prevent that, Mrs. Lion announced that at least every other day, I will get sexual attention.

This attention, however, can take any form she chooses. I’ve been told that I have no input on what counts or doesn’t count. My opinion is no longer being solicited. This decision represents a significant step for both of us. Mrs. Lion is asserting her control. I am learning to accept that.

I guess I’m not a typical submissive male. Most of my life I have been actively dominant. No one would describe me as submissive. But yet, I want control. However, I’m not an easy lion to tame. I’m willful and have my own ideas on how things should go. Poor Mrs. Lion needs to learn how to be dominant at the same time she has to deal with me. It’s not easy for her, but somehow she is doing it.

What about me? Why isn’t it easier for me to be tamed since it’s what I want? That’s a fair question and one that I ask myself frequently. There is a big gap between “want” and “am” — I want to be obedient and accepting — but by nature, I’m not that way at all. So, I have to learn to surrender and obey.

It isn’t Mrs. Lion’s job to beat that into me. It’s my job to learn. So, the ten months it’s taken to get to this point isn’t just due to Mrs. Lion learning to internalize her role. It’s perhaps more because I have to learn to accept mine. I think I am starting to be more accepting. Mrs. Lion and I are progressing together. Ten months ago if she started out the way she is now, we probably would have quit. While I wanted her control, I wasn’t able to handle it. I thought I was, but the truth is I wasn’t. Now, I am much tamer and willing to obey even when it isn’t fun for me.

Mrs. Lion keeps measuring herself in the light of my expectations. I wish she wouldn’t. She might want to consider how far I still have to go. I’m proud of her. I want to become better at being her caged male. I wish I could grow more quickly.