I hesitate to title this post in such a way that suggests Lion is topping from the bottom any more than he’s already been accused of. But let me be clear, he is caged because he wants to be caged. We play because he wants to play. He has the experience, both as top and bottom. I am learning from him. He is helping me understand what he wants and how to go about doing it. I do this to make him happy.
In a perfect world, he would have a real top. Someone who knows what she’s doing. Someone who doesn’t need to be reminded that she’s in
charge. Someone who likes to be in charge. Instead he has me. And I do these things for him because I love him more than anything and I would
do almost anything for him.
I am fighting more against myself than him. It’s difficult for me to be in charge. It’s difficult for me to hurt him. Sure, I’ve gotten better. Sure, I have my “aha” moments. I realize it’s frustrating for Lion and for our readers to see me fumbling around like an idiot. Welcome to my world. But while it’s difficult for me to learn to become a top, it’s difficult for him to learn to become a bottom. For most of Lion’s life he’s been in charge. He’s good at it. He likes it. It’s hard to let that go. Even though he wants to.
If left to my own devices, I would not be in charge of Lion. I would not be playing with him. But when we stopped last time everything ended. No sex. No intimacy. No communication. I do not want to go back to that, so I am committed to doing what Lion wants and needs.
Sometimes it does feel like Lion is topping from the bottom, but I’m starting to see it as more of a gentle nudge to get me on track. Whatever he’s doing, he’s gotten us this far. In the future I may need less and less guidance from him, but I appreciate his patience with me. Neither one of us is easy to teach.