I’m the Broken One
Lion has postulated that perhaps I don’t let myself enjoy punishing him. In a few conversations I told him I don’t consciously keep myself from enjoying it. He thinks maybe I feel it’s wrong to punish him. Again, I don’t think so. But then this morning I was thinking of a few recent incidents.
During one of our rare snowstorms, I noticed the truck didn’t seem to be tracking well. It has over 50,000 miles on it so it stands to reason the tires are worn. I mentioned it to Lion. He said we’d get new tires. At my last oil change the tires were getting into the yellow. I mentioned it to Lion. He said we’d get new tires. The other day, when it was raining, I stopped for gas and just happened to think about the tires again. Not that they’re bald, but at least one is very close to the wear bar. It makes sense to get them since we’re about to tow the summer home around for a few trips. I started looking for tires.
Knowing that we play a game of slip and slide on the lawn getting the trailer in and out, I thought we needed beefier tread. The tread would help in the snow too. When I looked for tires, I was basing it on tread and price. Lion preferred the brand that came with the truck. All I know about tires is that off road is louder on a highway than on road tires, off road tires tend to wear faster, and the tires on the truck right now are all terrain. Yesterday morning, Lion said he ordered tires for me. He checked the ratings. They are the brand that came with the truck. They are mud and snow. They look like car tires. I was less than enthusiastic about them. He knew I wanted beefier tread. So what did I do? I agreed to the tires. The thing is, when I got in the truck to head home, I noticed that my tires are very similar to the tires he picked out. They may be all terrain but the terrain is not true off road. I already knew I didn’t want true off road tires anyway.
Yesterday afternoon, Lion noticed that his plants needed water. One of them was wilted. He was upset that I hadn’t watered them and I must not have because one was wilted. I had watered them. Not possible. It was wilted. And the conversation quickly morphed into something else. Well I had watered them. That plant was wilted before it ever needed watering. I didn’t tell Lion because he was in pain/sleeping/recuperating from surgery. I was hurt that he jumped to conclusions and thought, absently, that he should be punished for it.
So what’s the big deal? Who cares what tires I get? Why does it matter that Lion was upset about a plant? They have one thing in common. I didn’t stand up for myself. If I want the tires I want, I should put my foot down. Why didn’t I? It boils down to not wanting to be wrong. If I get the beefier tires and they’re noisier on the highway, Lion will comment about the noisy tires. If I get beefier tires and they don’t last as long, Lion will say they didn’t last long because they were the wrong tires. If I don’t get the beefier tires and we play slip and slide across the lawn with the trailer, I’m less likely to point out that we got the wrong tires. No backbone. When Lion yelled about the plant that I knew I watered, I had the same affliction.
In my mind this had more to do with why I don’t enjoy punishment when I started writing. I think the bottom line is that I’m afraid to be wrong. About everything. I don’t like to stick my neck out for fear it will be chopped off. It’s not Lion’s fault. It all stems from upbringing and my ex. Even after all these years I have trouble getting past that. It turns out that Lion is not the broken one.
Not Just A Game To 2.0.
Mrs. Lion has defined “lioness 2.0” as the stricter, more consistent version of herself. She’s said that 2.0 will spank harder and longer. She will expect results. She won’t be interested in how I feel about it. Follow my rules or else! That is what she aspires to reach as a disciplining wife. I’ve been thinking about this in a slightly different way.
If I look more deeply into our domestic discipline, there is evidence that there is a significant barrier that prevents the arrival of 2.0. Consider a pattern we have established. Mrs. Lion is comfortable punishing me for spilling food on my shirt, eating first, or forgetting to remind her of punishment day. All of these infractions are minor and in no way can be considered true annoyances for her. But when I interrupt her, she is really bothered. I have a rule in place that I should never interrupt her. I do anyway. And, interestingly, I’m almost never punished for doing it.
I have a theory: The rules like spilling food are more play than real. They can easily be seen as part of a sexy, BDSM game with painful consequences for me. Mrs. Lion is happy to work harder at spotting offenses and punishing me for committing them. But when I interrupt, there isn’t a word, much less a beating, for doing it. I think that punishing me for things that really bother her makes domestic discipline too real to my lioness.
It’s a line that separates serious discipline from the game. I think Mrs. Lion understands this. Lioness 2.0 lives on the non-game side of domestic discipline. When 2.0 arrives, any annoyance, especially interrupting, will result in considerable suffering for me. Yes, the game will still be there. That’s what keeps me coming back and willing to suffer punishments. But the tone will be different. Just as I work to avoid eating first, I will be very careful not to interrupt or do anything else that will result in 2.0 punishing me.
I’ve been wondering why the wall between 1.0 and 2.0 is so high. Maybe Mrs. Lion is worried that getting serious will hurt our relationship. Perhaps becoming 2.0 requires some internal changes as well. As long as it is a game, the balance of roles remains as it always was. Yes, she is in control. But that control is a component of a game I want to play. When she is 2.o, it’s not my game anymore. It’s her real authority. That’s a dramatic change for both of us.
Obviously, Mrs. Lion could just add interrupting to her game rather than make the more profound change to 2.0. I don’t think she’ll do that. We both realize that regardless of which rule is being enforced, 2.0 seriously wants me to change and 1.0 doesn’t care. It’s not just a game to 2.0.
From my perspective, maybe I am better off with 1.0. She’s learned to make spankings hurt. 2.0 will make them more memorable. I think that 2.0 will also use additional childish punishments to make her point. She isn’t playing the game. She uses my need to play to get the cooperation she needs to make me change any way she wants.
Mrs. Lion says she feels that 2.0 is close. If so, our world will change. I don’t think the change will hurt us as a couple, but it will be a game changer for me
Busy Night
Last night we made plans to go out to dinner. It was also garbage night. It was also punishment night. And the smoke alarm was beeping. So many things to do. And don’t forget, we were going to do Zapardy.
Well, the garbage got done on the way to going to dinner. We got home just as Jeopardy started so we didn’t bother playing Zapardy. Lion snoozed for a bit and I took my shower. As soon as I moved over to snuggle, I remembered we agreed to do maintenance swats. I decided they could wait a bit. Lion remembered them too. He said he didn’t know if he should mention it or not. And that’s all he had to say because I told him I already remembered. He’s a good boy for reminding me of everything on my list last night.
When I got around to it, I selected the hairbrush shaped paddle. He’d told me earlier in the day that swats may be best delivered in a 4-4-8 pattern. No idea why. Apparently someone researched it and came up with that as the optimal way to do it. I prefer a hard swat on each cheek, a pause, another hard swat on each cheek, another pause. Rinse and repeat. However, I decided if four swats and four swats is optimum, we can give it a try. Granted, these were maintenance swats and not punishment swats, but I still had to make it look good.
In between the first set of four and the second set, Lion said he knew I wasn’t trying to hit my hardest but it still hurt. Good. This is like batting practice for both of us. I need practice giving and he needs practice receiving. Since his shoulder was hurting, I stopped after eight total swats. Why add insult to injury? At least he felt them for a little while.
The biggest disappointment of last night was the dead battery on the Magic Wand. Lion said he needed a little assistance and asked if we could use it. No dice. So I did the next best thing. Oral. I surprised Lion by making him come again. I got a small amount of semen. I think I may have to give edging a try for a few days to see if I can build up a reserve. Not that I’m not edging him before I give him an orgasm. I mean I’ll edge him and make him wait.
Tonight I’ll give him some more maintenance swats. Maybe I’ll make it through the whole 4-4-8. Or should I say maybe he’ll make it through the whole 4-4-8. And if he’s amenable, we can try the newly charged Magic Wand for some edging fun.
It’s What I Want
In her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion posited that most women don’t want to punish their men and correct their behavior. She believes that they do this because the men want it. That is certainly true in her case. There is no question that I want it. After all, domestic discipline, like any power exchange is a consensual activity.
I’ve read an interesting theory on why men want this control and are willing to submit to humiliating and painful punishment. After all, we tend to be bigger and stronger than our mates, yet we meekly submit. The theory suggests that there is a sort of game aspect to domestic discipline and male chastity.
It’s a sexy game that, at least in my case, appeals to me on a very deep, sexual level. I love the idea of being controlled and I get aroused thinking of being punished. The reality turns out not to be sexy at all. But yet I hold on to those thoughts and want to keep playing.
The other side of this isn’t a game at all. It’s a real power exchange that gives Mrs. Lion the ability to help me change undesirable behaviors, like interrupting. It gives her real control over me. She’s said that she doesn’t want this control, but takes it because I want her to do it.
I believe her. She used to say the same thing about enforced chastity. Then, at some point she realized that controlling me sexually was delivering real benefits to our relationship. It stopped being something she does just to please me and turned into something for us both.
The jury is still out on domestic discipline. Mrs. Lion doesn’t like making and enforcing rules. She dislikes punishing me even more. She does it because she knows it’s something I want (need). I wonder if, at some point, she will find value in it for both of us.
If she really believes that women in general dislike being in a dominant position with their men, she will never be able to make the connection. In some sense, she is right. I suspect that many women rationalize their control. Some learn to see humor in spanking and using other childish punishments on their husbands. Their focus is on the humiliating nature of what they do to them and find it funny.
For them, spanking is actually fun. They enjoy the rush of power and the childlike reactions from their men.
I see nothing wrong with that. It actually feeds the male fantasy. Humiliation is definitely part of the equation, at least for me. Mrs. Lion, when lioness 2.0 arrives, will join the ranks of women who like the predicament that their husbands have created for themselves. It’s funny to see that what started as a game has become so much more.
In the meantime, we men meekly get our mouths soaped and our bottoms spanked. It is, after all, what we want.
