The Soft Wall
There are times when I just can’t seem to get in the same neighborhood as an orgasm. This is one of those times. Mrs. Lion has tried all her tricks: oral, handjob, and even the Magic Wand. Yes, I get hard. I enjoy the sensation. But I just can’t seem to get close to the edge. It feels like there is a wall between arousal and orgasm. Maybe it isn’t a wall. There isn’t a hard boundary. It’s just like I go so far and then the excitement recedes. I half expect I am getting soft.
I’m not exactly frustrated. If the excitement feels like it is going away, there is no desire to go back. I do feel badly. I know Mrs. Lion has tried hard. I love getting almost to the summit. It’s disappointing. In the past, the Magic Wand and Mrs. Lion’s hands could get me over that wall. Not this time. I know this has happened before. It should pass in a few days. But I can’t help but feel the loss.
I got some bad news last week. The surgeon who fixed my rotator cuff thinks the operation failed. Based on my physical therapy difficulties, he believed his repair didn’t work. Considering the amount of suffering, work loss, and expense this surgery cost, I am very disappointed. I am not completely sure he is right. I asked him to schedule another MRI this week. It will show exactly what the condition of my shoulder is. Even if the repair failed, the terrible pain I had after the injury is gone. He shaved some bones and did other work that makes my joint function more comfortably. I still have significant pain, but it is probably going to disappear over time. I just won’t have full use of my arm.
Perhaps my loss of sexual ability is linked to the bad news. It’s a reasonable connection. This is one of those times that understanding isn’t very helpful. I don’t think there is anything I can do to fix either situation. I also find myself impatient with my chastity device. It’s not to blame, of course, for my inability to get very aroused. But it is absolutely useless right now. All it does is make it difficult for me to pee. It’s primary function: preventing me from sexual satisfaction has been taken up by the soft wall that is effectively preventing me from having any sexual fun.
Of course, the soft wall might melt away. The Jail Bird chastity device isn’t going anywhere. The Jail Bird can be removed by Mrs. Lion. Neither of us can do anything about the wall.
To Panty or Not to Panty
So far my selection for Lion’s daily underwear is random. Well, not entirely. I usually know what he has planned for the day before I select. If he’s going to the doctor or physical therapy I have him wear his regular underwear. If he’s home or it’s just a normal day at work I have him wear panties. I’m not comfortable with his being caught in panties. I don’t think he is either but I’m sure there’s a turn-on factor in his wearing them. No one can see them until maybe they can. Is it sort of a thrill knowing that he’s hiding a secret from his coworkers? That may explain the “Really? Okay.” I get from him when I tell him to wear regular underwear.
I didn’t set out to have him in panties every day. I didn’t think he’d want to. I thought it was going to be a special thing for when I wanted him to be pretty. Maybe he’s telling me I’m wrong. The other day I had him in panties and, as he was doing something in the kitchen, he asked what was different about him. He’s been very excited about reaching for things with his “bad” shoulder. His range of motion has gotten better and he’s proud to show off what he can do. But he wasn’t reaching for anything. I didn’t see anything different about him. He said that was the problem. Huh?
He was referring to the panties. He said if I don’t mention the panties it’s like he isn’t wearing them. I can buy that. But do I have to mention it every time I see him in panties? Since he’s naked in the house (except when I tell him to wear panties or diapers) I’d always be mentioning the panties. I don’t think that would make them special anymore. For the record, there was nothing different about Lion in the example above because he was wearing the panties I told him to wear that morning. Had he not had them on, then there would have been something different. And, I might add, a sore butt in his future.
I do, however, recognize his need for the dramatic. From that point forward I have asked him how his lacy (frilly, sexy, pantied, etc.) butt is when we email back and forth. He’s sent me pictures of his pantied butt to prove he is in compliance with my wishes. I usually leave the house before he does so I don’t necessarily see what he’s wearing. When I walk past him in the kitchen or bathroom I rub his balls or buns and tell him how lacy (frilly, sexy, etc.) they are.
I get it. He needs to know I haven’t forgotten. But I still don’t think I want him in panties every day. I think it’s more powerful to tell him each day what my decision is. Will he be pretty or handsome? I’ll decide.
Play Vs Punishment Spanking
There’s been a lot of discussion here and on Julie’s blog, Strict Jule Spanks, about the general approach to practical female domination. Julie’s blog provides wonderful accounts of her adventures with her husband, David. In addition, she discusses how she thinks about what she is doing.
Initially, she mentioned that her approach is scene based. She doesn’t actually punish David for breaking rules. He wants to be spanked and humiliated and she likes to do those things to him. I want to be spanked and humiliated and want it in the context of FLR and domestic discipline where I am punished for breaking rules.
The net effect is the same. The motivation is a little different. When I’m punished, I know it is because I did something wrong, I’ve broken a rule. The punishments, if strict enough, actually make me watch my step; at least for a while. The spanking, which at this point is much milder than what Julie gives David, doesn’t feel to me like I am in a BDSM scene. I feel badly that I broke a rule and genuinely accept the pain I feel as just punishment for my crime.
This is a subtle-but-powerful difference from a scene spanking. The scene spanking ends when the top decides the bottom has had enough. Frequently, the bottom makes that call. A punishment spanking ends when Mrs. Lion decides she has made her point. I always want her to stop sooner. No matter when she stops, I know that I am paying for something I did wrong.
At the end of the scene spanking, I just know the spanking is over. I don’t really feel I’ve paid for anything. I’ve just enjoyed the beating I wanted. Even though in the punishment scenario, my beating is fully consensual, it doesn’t mean I agreed that moment to be beaten. The difference is that when I am punished, I understand there is a reason other than my request to be spanked.
A lot of people who are interested in domestic discipline believe that the actual spanking is different when it is for punishment. It isn’t The goal is to provide pain that lasts a while. The spanking can be administered humanely with a warm up, or can just be hard swats from the start. The humane approach allows a much longer and complete beating. When done properly, I’m just barely able to handle the pain of each swat, but, I can handle it. The spanking goes from eight or ten very hard swats to hundreds of soft, medium, hard, and very hard swats. The spanking lasts a lot longer. I have much more time to feel the pain and consider my sins.
When I receive a play spanking, I focus on the sensations. I know it is a gift from Mrs. Lion. When I am punished, I focus on my sin and how sorry I am that I got into this position. The spanking feels completely different to me. Part of me wants Mrs. Lion to strongly make her point and not stop too soon. The cub in me wants to escape the pain as fast as he can. In the end, I want to feel I have made up for my transgressions.
What I’ve learned is that there is little difference between a punishment or play spanking in terms of the physical activity. There is a world of difference in my mind and hopefully, in the mind of my lioness when I am being punished.
There is one interesting fact about spanking that we sometimes forget: Spankings can always be painful. Even if, after time, you develop a “leather butt” and feel immune to the pain of spanking, your spanker can always spank longer and harder as well as use a more painful tool. Spanking never goes out of style for correction of naughty boys young or old.
A Slow Night
Before I unlocked Lion I grabbed my bedroom bag of goodies. There are a lot of interesting toys in the bag. There’s Velcro, a rope, clothespins of various sizes and materials, and other things to make Lion feel good or bad depending on how and where they are applied. As we were snuggling Lion asked why I brought the bag over. I wondered if he was nervous. He admitted he was a little nervous. I reminded him of the Velcro and tiny clothespins. He sighed. I said neither were in my plans but they could be if he wanted them. He didn’t.
I’d decided it had been a long time since I “porcupined” his balls. I didn’t have enough readily available to go for a record but I wanted to put some on his boobies and his balls. It’s all part of my back to basics movement. Generally Lion gets very excited when he’s got a sackful of clothespins and I’m stroking him. He did get hard but didn’t stay that way for very long. Eventually I asked if he was done. There’s nothing wrong with his not being into being in the mood. He said he didn’t think anything was going to happen but it did feel good. I suggested cuddling and I’d still stroke him.
We’ve both been having some trouble sleeping again. I was falling asleep at work and Lion napped a little in the afternoon. It’s very hard to be hard when you’re tired. Snuggling and fondling are perfectly good substitutions. Lion has been known to fall asleep while his balls are rubbed. He didn’t last night. We just had a nice night snuggling and then holding hands.
We’ve got a lot of chores again this weekend but I’m sure we’ll make time for some play. I’ve been thinking about ginger again. And I found a Lucite butt plug as I was cleaning out my sock drawer last weekend. Speaking of which, I didn’t report that I donated two pair of my underwear to Lion’s drawer. He likes wearing them. They are just cotton briefs but he says they fit well and are very comfortable. I think he likes them because they aren’t frilly and lacy. I don’t think anyone would really notice them if he was caught with his pants down. The pattern on one of them is sort of flowery but the other just has stripes. I’ll have to search for more like them for his collection.
