By:
In: BDSM, Lion's Journal

“But I’m not a sub!” you say. “All we do is enforced chastity.” Enforced chastity is a consensual power exchange where the male surrenders sexual control to his keyholder. That surrender is submission. I don’t usually pay much attention at all to labels, but in this case it is important we do. Let me start at the beginning.

In the 1990’s, Janet Hardy, author of The Topping Book, The Bottoming Book and other very helpful works about play and power exchange, coined the term “ethical slut” to describe someone who is sexually free but at the same time protects their partners physically and emotionally. That’s an over simplification, but you get the idea.

The concept of an ethical submissive centers on open and honest communication. That implies a lot. In the case of enforced chastity, it means that when asking someone to be a keyholder, the male discloses his minimum expectations and makes sure that his keyholder understands what he wants. The potential keyholder must know what is expected. Once that information is on the table, negotiations can take place and both people can make informed decisions about going forward.

An ethical submissive pays close attention to how his keyholder is feeling about the power exchange. An ethical top always puts the welfare of the bottom first. Safety and emotional security come before everything else. An ethical submissive has a similar responsibility. He has to be aware of how his keyholder/partner is reacting to his chastity. Is she feeling guilty because he says things that makes her feel she is making him unhappy? Is she feeling overwhelmed by the activities he wants? Believe it or not, some women don’t want sexual attention all the time. The keyholder has to feel free to limit her sexual activity to levels she enjoys.

The first responsibility of an ethical submissive is to do everything necessary to assure his keyholder is happy and fulfilled. While he may be obsessed by his enforced chastity, chances are she doesn’t share that enthusiasm. If she loves him and wants him to be happy, she may try to live up to his expectations and in the process, lose some of herself.

There is a popular misconception about power exchanges. Some people believe that since the dominant partner is in charge, they can control the activities to keep them on a level they like. That’s not often the case. Dominants are people too. Very often they love the person submitting. The dominant wants to please her submissive. That may sound odd, but the truth is that dominating someone is hard work. The reason most people accept it is to please the person they dominate. Well, another reason is that they paid to do it.

My point is that very often the keyholder will do more than she really wants because she knows it makes her submissive happy. It’s up to the ethical submissive to recognize this and to make sure that his keyholder isn’t doing more than she should. The concept of ethical submission is not that the submissive accepts (takes) the actions of the dominant. The ethical submissive is an active partner who protects his keyholder and works to make her happy with the power exchange.

By:
In: BDSM, Lion's Journal

This past weekend was a peaceful one. We had local errands to run but no required destinations. We went to Costco, the grocery store, and had lunch on Saturday at a local barbecue restaurant.  There was nothing sexual on Saturday night since I came on Friday. Today, Sunday, I’m not feeling particularly interested in sex. Of course that can change as the day goes on. We have lioness and lionscaping planned for today. I will be removing Mrs. Lion’s very light leg hair. She will be keeping my pubic area bare.

I know that some people consider personal service to their disciplining wife / keyholder a sexy part of submission. It has never been part of my fantasies. I think of it as a way I can do something to help make Mrs. Lion’s life easier and more pleasant. Activities like removing her leg hair aren’t sexy to me. Well, she doesn’t find keeping me hairless sexy either.

So many accounts of male submission feature elaborate pampering routines for the dominant female. They also include descriptions of sexy outfits, high heels, makeup, and other accoutrements. I’ve never understood the appeal. That means our D/S activities are based on things applied to me and not on how Mrs. Lion looks or how I personally serve her.

D/S has a language that spans verbal, visual, and sensation expression. There are many dialects. Some include leather costumes and six-inch heels. Others have catch phrases and words that resonate with the  participants. On top of that there are the actions that evoke submissive or dominant behavior. Submission to some is powerfully symbolized by providing personal service and unreciprocated sexual pleasure to the dominant partner. Bathing, shaving, and massaging the dominant partner is a significant turn on to many. Others fall into a submissive/servile state by performing these tasks.

I’m not wired that way. I don’t think Mrs. Lion is either. My big turn on is losing control. That’s why I get very aroused with Mrs. Lion ties me to the bed. Wearing the chastity device also feeds that kink. So, while some guys get very aroused bathing their partners, I am aroused when tied down or blindfolded. Different strokes..

By:
In: 2.0, BDSM, Lion's Journal

It seems that lioness 2.0 is back to stay. She told you about her latest adventures yesterday. There’s no question that even though I dislike a lot of what she does, the stricter lioness is what I need. I’ve been thinking about this. It may seem odd that I want Mrs. Lioness to forcefully exert control doing things I clearly don’t like.

That seems odd, at best. To confuse matters more, many of the other guys who want spanking, humiliation, bondage, etc. get off on it. I remember a scene in a New York club where a guy was getting a brutal paddling. He was erect the entire time. That is classic masochism. It’s easy to comprehend, if not understand, that some people are wired to get aroused by pain. It’s harder for me to understand my situation. I don’t get turned on by pain, but get turned on by the power I feel when I have to accept it.

I’m not talking strictly about pain in the sense of spanking or clothespins on my penis. I’m talking about the fact that I have to accept pain and other things because I have surrendered power. Now that turns me on. It does more than that. Somewhere deep down inside me there is a need to feel that strict control. I may dread it when Mrs. Lion tells me it’s time and selects a paddle, but once the sting fades there is a warmth inside me that makes me feel loved.

It’s not that I don’t feel loved other times. This is different. I can’t really explain how, but it is. Domestic discipline provides me with an inner sense of security and love. I don’t like being punished, but in a deeper sense I must. I never intentionally provoke punishment, but Mrs. Lion knows me well enough to assure that I don’t go too many days without earning a spanking.

What about the diapers, clothespins, and other BDSM stuff? That’s different. I find all that a big turn on. I have to admit it. When Mrs. Lion made me wear diapers on Sunday, I was not happy about peeing on myself, but it was a turn on. When Mrs. Lion masturbated me later on Sunday night, she decided to let me come. She was surprised to see as much semen as I produced after a week of waiting. That’s highly unusual. Generally, when I get a bonus orgasm after only a few days, semen production is weak.

It’s like that great bit on the “Becker” sitcom. A teenage boy sees Dr. Becker worrying about the fact he gets erections at inappropriate times. The boy has a great line. “My mom saw me get an erection when I was doing chores. Now she thinks I like them.” You can see the parallel with the diapers. It’s the same with painful play. I am turned on by it. Well, it turns me on afterward anyway.

I don’t think there is any connection between the domestic discipline and the BDSM play; at least not an obvious one. Yes, they both involve discomfort I don’t necessarlily welcome. My reaction to domestic discipline is very different from how I react to the BDSM play. When I think about the BDSM activities, I am aroused. That sort of power exchange turns me on.

However, when I think about domestic discipline and, for that matter, enforced chastity, it’s different. Both provide me with an inner warmth; a sense of being loved on a different level. That feeling increases when Mrs. Lion is stricter and more consistent. I’m sure there is a point where I would just feel put upon. We haven’t gotten close to that yet.

It may be time to go back into the Jail Bird. It’s clear that it isn’t needed for orgasm control. The only physical difference between being in or out of the Jail Bird is that I get periodic erections that are suppressed by the chastity device when it is on. On the other hand, not being caged makes things a lot easier. I don’t have any problems peeing at work and elsewhere. I don’t feel less controlled without it.

Of course, like everything else, it isn’t up to me to decide. It goes on if Mrs. Lion wants it on. It stays off because that is what she wants. Simple and satisfying.

By:
In: BDSM, Lion's Journal

Mrs. Lion and I wrote our posts at the same time (Sunday morning) because we have no cell service here and have to go to town to upload our posts. After we finished writing, we read each other’s post. We’ve done it again! We both wrote about the same subject without discussing the topic. We just naturally operate on the same wavelength. My post below was written before I had any idea what Mrs. Lion was going to write. After she read this post, she said, “We can try that.” Tune in to Mrs. Lion’s post today to find out what happens next.

We still haven’t played this vacation. I think that we will have better luck at both play and sex if we move it much earlier than bedtime. I can understand why most people do sexual things at bedtime or first thing in the morning. After all, those are the times we wear the least amount of clothing; none in my case. Intimacy is highest at those times.

I don’t think either of us are at our sexual best at those times. My history with BDSM has me playing during prime time (9pm to 1am). That’s because play parties I attended were during those hours. When I think about it, the worst times for me are when I have a full belly or I am tired. I suspect Mrs. Lion feels the same way.

What’s the problem with making play time happen away from first and last thing of the day? Mostly it’s because at those times we have always done other things. Even though I am most likely naked, we have the lifelong habit of filling those hours with non-sexual activities.

We know we can add new things to our daily routines. We are more than three-quarters through our third year of enforced chastity. I think one reason we have been so successful is that we have specific activities we agreed to do almost every day. I’m not suggesting we do BDSM on a daily basis, though if Mrs. Lion wants to, we could. I am suggesting that as a start we agree that every weekend day, including holidays, we play sometime between beakfast and dinner.

I think this will work because once we make an agreement, we do it. For example, every Monday and Thursday is punishment day. If I have done something needing correction, in the early evening after dinner and Mrs. Lion’s shower, the paddle comes out and I am spanked. We always seem to do it at that specific time.

Even though we haven’t discussed it, the regular time helps. So, maybe we should do the same with play. Even if it is juat edging, maybe we need to move it further from bedtime. Maybe BDSM could be on Wednesday evening and Saturday and Sunday afternoons. That doesn’t restrict Mrs. Lion. She can do things any other times as well. But we agree that those three days are no-excuses occasions.

On days when she wants, Mrs. Lion can also substitute BDSM to go, with me wearing a take-out butt plug, diapers, or whatever else she wishes. The point is that play is happening. We aren’t pushing it into the background. Similarly, maybe we could try moving the daily edging away from bedtime as well. Perhaps move it out of the bedroom entirely.

I am unintentionally trained to react to being edged in bed close to sleep time. It might be more interesting to vary that a lot. I have only been edged on my back. If teasing moves out of the bedroom, I might learn to get hard almost anywhere once I have been conditioned to be teased in other settings. Oh my!