BDSM (Page 4)

A surprising percentage of men fantasize about their partners taking charge in the bedroom. It’s a hot fantasy that is surprisingly easy to turn into reality. It’s not easy for a man to ask his partner to dominate him. He has no real-life experience to guide his request. Chances are good that if he gets up the courage to ask, his request will be a firehose blast of stored fantasy scenarios. Yuck! Right, ladies?

Most, if not almost all, women don’t fantasize about dominating their partners. It’s not part of their sexual vocabulary. If they have, their imaginations didn’t wander into the territory expressed by a frustrated man. That’s why I decided to write this guide. I have over thirty years of experience in the real-life BDSM world. I’ve been both top and bottom and have offered workshops for beginner tops at many BDSM events. I’ve learned how to help couples experience their fantasies.

there’s a reason domination-for-hire is a big business

Pro-doms abound. They earn their living dominating men. Many earn hundreds of dollars an hour for their services. There’s a good reason they can do this: Dominating someone is work. It’s a service performed for the benefit of the client. I’ve known many pro-doms over the years. Most are not sexually dominant as a lifestyle. They play a role for their clients.

If your husband expresses an interest in being dominated, it doesn’t mean that you have to change from a sexually vanilla woman into a sadistic mistress. It means that he wants you to play a role in a sexual fantasy. This is the key point that is missed by almost every guy who asks his partner to dominate him. He’s blinded by the bright lights of realizing his fantasy. He hasn’t thought through what he is asking. It’s your job to manage his expectations.

what does he really want?

The bottom line is that he wants to feel your control during a scene. A scene is a series of activities that fulfill the fantasy. It has a beginning and an end. Most usually take from an hour (or less) to three or four. When the scene is done, you both return to your normal selves. Period.

When I teach a workshop for couples who are curious about experiencing this power exchange, we try a group scene. Generally, there are between five and ten couples in the room. You can do this at home with your husband. The first step is to tell him that you are now in charge. Ask him if he understands. He has to say, “Yes.” You both speak in normal tones. No need for, “Yes, ma’am,” just, “Yes” is fine.

Next tell him to stand in front of you. You remain seated. If he hesitates, just smile at him. He’ll do it. Tell him to undress. In the workshops, many men will say, “Seriously?” The answer is a soft-but-firm yes. In the workshop, the women are facing a screen and I am projecting a PowerPoint with the dialogue for them. Tell him to fold his clothes neatly and pile them on the floor behind you. When he’s done, tell him to stand in front of you with his hands behind his back.

Chances are good that he will be erect. You’ve just taken control and pushed some important buttons for him. It wasn’t hard for you to do, was it? There was no yelling, no whips, and chains, just quiet commands that he obeyed. He did something for you that he wouldn’t do on his own. That’s the secret of being dominant. He moves into uncomfortable territory at your command. You didn’t have to change at all.

the language of power

You have just spoken your first sentence in the language of power. You’ve made your partner strip and stand naked in front of you. He may expect to be rewarded by getting sex. He’s about to be surprised again. Look him up and down and then tell him to get dressed. If he tries to discuss this with you, tell him to be silent and do as he is told. Once dressed, tell him to stand in front of you with his hands clasped behind his back.

The message you just sent was very powerful. It feels very vulnerable to be naked and exposed while your partner is fully dressed. It’s even more disturbing to be sexually aroused when she isn’t interested in sex and ignores your arousal.  That’s power. It’s also an excellent first scene.

Invite him to sit on the floor in front of you. Ask him if he liked what just happened. He may be frustrated, but he’s probably delighted. Did you have fun? If you did, great. If not, you now know why women charge money to do this for men.

The secret of successful topping is to provide your partner with as much experience as possible without putting yourself in a difficult or very uncomfortable position. You’ve just learned that without any drama or physical effort, you successfully dominated your partner.

This isn’t going to be enough going forward. It’s just a little exercise to let you both experience the power exchange he wants. It also establishes an important bit of infrastructure. Scenes are conducted with you dressed and him naked. This is always true whether at home or at a play party. His clothes come off before you start a scene. He has his first rule.

At least while you are both learning, it’s a good idea to leave sex out of a scene. He can be hard and dripping, but he has to learn that he doesn’t get sexually rewarded for accepting your control. It’s obvious that BDSM is rooted in sex. But it’s not a good idea to reward obedience with orgasms. Obedience is to be expected. It’s the baseline of BDSM. Orgasms aren’t part of that equation.

After your discussion of how you both felt with the scene–you should say it was fun to control him whether or not that was true–it’s part of the fantasy realization service you are rendering. He needs to believe you like doing things to him. It adds to the contrasts of the power exchange. If he expresses reservations, a little smile followed by, “You will learn to accept it.” is all that’s required.

After that discussion, ask him to stand. You stand too and hug him. Tell him that he was very good and that you love him. Then return to normal life. Next time we’ll consider other things you cvan do. See? Dominating your husband is something you can learn to do.

Mrs. Lion and I have been watching “Good Sex” on the Discovery+ streaming service. It’s a usually-dull sex therapist session where a Los Angeles sex coach helps sexually troubled couples. Most of the time, the information is useless, and the interactions between the lovers are bland as hell. Then, in episode four, the coach decided to teach a wife how to be dominant. It was a very short segment. Mrs. Lion was out of the room and didn’t see it. That was too bad. The coach made a point that resonated with me.

She was trying to teach a vanilla wife how to top her husband. Her instructions were simple and to the point. She told the woman to make him do things. The husband was told to obey silently. So, the woman had him kneel and kiss her. Easy stuff, but obviously profound for the couple. The reason it hit home with me was that I’ve been missing a seriously important point in our power exchange.

Mrs. Lion tops me as a service. She only does things that she believes I want.  Sure, she’ll put IcyHot on my balls. I love/hate that, and she knows it. Essentially, I’m the top. It’s true that I’m generally a dominant person and Mrs. Lion likes me to be in charge. I’m fine with that in most areas of our lives. Where I need her control is sex. I want her to top me.

One of the things that made male chastity fun for me was the loss of sexual control. Well, at least the illusion of it. I wanted Mrs. Lion to make the decisions regarding when I got teased or would be allowed to ejaculate. She did a good job with that. I know it was because I wanted her to do it. She never stopped looking to me for guidance on what I wanted her to do. So, the control wasn’t quite real. But it was real enough.

Over the years, her interest in taking control seems to have diminished a lot. My sinking libido could be related to this. This is partly my fault. The BDSM illusion is that the bottom is doing what the top wants. I spent most of my adult life as a top sex educator. The idea that the top gets pleasure from what she makes her bottom do isn’t often true. A lot of tops enjoy the power rush, but most do what they do because their partners want it. This probably explains why so many tops, like me, eventually want to change roles.

Topping is a sort of game, similar to the way Mrs. Lion approaches domestic discipline. She likes catching me and breaking rules. It’s fun (in a way) for her. Topping (being “dom”) is a different-but-similar game. Many tops enjoy seeing how they can change their bottoms’ world. For example, “training” a bottom to take larger and larger dildos up his ass. Or, training him to do silly tricks. The game for both partners is about expanding limits. It’s about demonstrating mental and physical control.

Mrs. Lion doesn’t get any particular pleasure out of taking control. I need to feel sexual control. It’s a big turn-on for me. Being a controlling top in a BDSM session is a skill, not a lifestyle choice. Watching the sex coach on that show reminded me that it’s a pretty simple skill to learn. The problem is that as the bottom, I can’t be the teacher for my top.

The simple fact is that the bottom (“sub”) controls the scene. That’s always been true. If a top goes too far and does stuff that the bottom genuinely can’t tolerate, the scene either ends then and there (safeword), or will leave a bad taste in both of their mouths.

It’s pretty easy to learn to top if you want to. The mechanics are so easy that anyone can get the basics down in a very short time. The hard part is to get mentally prepared for the role. It is a role, not a lifestyle. It takes desire, research, and practice. A good resource if you are interested is a book by an old friend of mine, The New Topping Book. It’s a lighthearted manual for novice tops.

I’m sorry that it took me this long to figure out what we are missing. I hope that Mrs. Lion will look into this.