Over the years, I’ve had a few readers who get very angry when I talk about the roots of some of the things we do. The angriest tend to be other bloggers who appear to have gigantic emotional investments in preserving the underlying fantasies of their kinks. OK, I get it; well, maybe not entirely. The people who get most upset practice domestic discipline. That’s too bad. An honest look at what we do almost always helps us better understand ourselves and help other people who might be interested in what we do.
My most infuriating suggestion is that domestic discipline is based in a sexual interest in being spanked. I know it’s true in my case. I also know that several studies (I’m too lazy to dig them out now) have agreed that well over eight percent of people have spanking dreams. I’m not suggesting that all of those people actually get spanked, just that they dream about it. Guess what? Those dreams are sexually arousing.
That is sufficient ammunition for me to confidently suggest that those of us who actually get spanked had the origin of our practice in sexual arousal. Some of the guys who are punished by being spanked get very angry when I suggest that there is a sexual component to their domestic discipline. Yet, the most adament objector has written that his sex life improves after he is spanked. Hmm.
I could leave sleeping dogs lie and let them protest that their interest in spanking is purely disciplinary. The problem with doing that is it leaves their origin stories a bit lame. Many of the men, including me, were inspired by the detailed spanking stories on the old Disciplinary Wives Club website. While the stories weren’t overtly sexual, they contained detailed descriptions of bared-bottom spanking scenes accompanied by maternal, naughty-boy lectures. Many also included female witnesses to the spankings.
That’s sexy stuff. Online DD discussions often talk about witnesses and informing friends and relatives of the spankings. Sexy. Also, all the men being spanked consented to the practice and initiated it by asking their wives to spank them. I asked Mrs. Lion to spank me. She has been happy to comply. How many of us were erect before our spankings? I was for a long time.
The Big Rationalization the DD guys give is that they asked their wives to “help” them get over behavioral issues. That’s why they asked to be spanked. I absolutely believe that’s the truth. I wanted Mrs. Lion to have much more of a voice in our marriage, and I wanted her to have a concrete way to express unhappiness with any behavior that upset her. If I’m being completely honest, I also wanted her to spank me because the idea of her doing it, turned me on.
The angry bloggers seem to think that admitting any sexual roots to their spankings cheapens the experience and turns it into BDSM scenes. I suspect that’s the hot button that gets them mad at me. There are some significant differences between our disciplinary relationship and BDSM play. There are also some important similarities.
First, the similariies. Both BDSM and disciplinary spankings are consensual. We are not spanked against our will. Burly Turkish torturers are not tying us to a bench and beating us. Our wives tell us that we need to be spanked and we respond by baring our bottoms and getting into position for our punishment. Consensual, just like BDSM. The second similarity is that our wives are very aware of our limits and don’t beat us without regard to our ability to handle the punishment.
Now, the differences. First, we have no control over when we get spanked. We’ve given our wives permission to spank us whenever they believe we need it. I have nothing to say about my mood or interest in having my bottom paddled. That’s very different from BDSM. Second, I have no input into how much spanking I get. That’s not entirely true. Mrs. Lion will stop if I’m in real distress. Third, the objective of this spanking is to hurt me. Mrs. Lion makes sure that I’m not getting an endorphin high. She wants me to understand that she is unhappy about what I’ve done.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that domestic discipline, at least the male variety, has sexual roots. It makes no sense to deny it. Are there any of the DD bloggers who hasn’t gotten a boner thinking about being spanked? I don’t think so. Correct me if I’m wrong. You have my number.
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Well said.
I know people who don’t think spanking is sexy. They call it “hitting” and “assault”. They don’t obsess over it and seek it out compulsively!
I think you can mix the disciplinary and the vanilla life improvement with the spanking, but it only works if the spankee wants it and finds it sexy (and it helps a lot if the spanker gets a charge too!). I’ve helped my husband with his fat loss by turning it into a spanking game.
I get spankings when I’ve been naughty. The spankings don’t actually change my behaviour or make me behave better. I’m a grownup for Pete’s sake. But “involuntary” spankings are hella sexy for me. I can’t deliberately misbehave, cause that doesn’t do it for me. So I have to wait until I legit screw up.
And the spankings perversely make me feel loved, cherished, and cared for, which blends into the ‘hella sexy in a lovely tummy churning sweet soup of goodness.
Well said! I do change my behavior after consistent spankings. The sexual aspect of spanking is powerful stuff.
Yes, you have to change somewhat. That’s the rules of the game. But come on, Lion, are you really incapable of not dropping food on your shirt… really?
I can’t explain it, but believe it or not, I haven’t spilled food on my shirt in a very long time. I made no effort to avoid doing it. I just stopped. The only explanation is that the spankings affected me on a very deep level for positive change.
I’m not sure where I land on your chart on this issue. What I can say is that I don’t believe anything is absolute. I am willing to say that DD “origins” for me are at least partially sexual, but because I am not BDSM averse, I take no offense at being lumped in there as a person.
I have often referred to the diversity of my spanking inclinations in relation to kissing. What is a kiss? Is it sexual? Familial? Deferential? etc? The truth is “kissing” can be all of those things, none of those things, or a fluid combination. For me, so too is spanking.
How much of any of those aspects manifest in any single kiss is a matter comprised of many factors and again, so too with spanking. It can be anything to anyone.
The other issue is “sexual”. Exactly what do we mean by “sexual”? I suppose seduction is pretty sexual, but I believe it can also be a compulsion or act of ego-boosting rather than romance. But what about a low cut blouse? What about a low cut blouse on a homeless vagrant? I think what constitutes “sexual” can be as individual as anything else.
So, if we take “spanking” (even if narrowed to DD only) and “sexual”, and put the two together, I believe that is it an individual, case-by-case situation for each person, in each moment, all further confused by personal definition and degree.
I do DD with several people. It feels different with all of them. And in talking to them, each has their own view as well for their role.
Maybe the objections come in when any one person feels they are being told by someone else how they feel despite perhaps sincerely feeling otherwise, even if mistakenly?
I don’t get as irritated as I used to on this because I have come to think that my motives are so complicated that they easily can include a sexual component without me even being aware of it. I suppose the defining aspect, is what does DD then lead to? If someone says it always leads to sex, then I think they have an answer, but it certainly doesn’t for me, and some of the people in my DD circle are of no sexual interest to me at all.
Complicated stuff. But good topic.
Very inciteful thoughts. If you buy Frued’s view of the human psyche, everything comes down to sex. I think that some people are very sensitive to the idea that sex might be part of their desire to be spanked because it “corrupts” the purity of a disciplinary relationship. What surprises me is that these same people cite articles that are highly sexual as the inspiration for their own disciplinary relationships.