The Domestic Discipline Conundrum

Hypocrisy seems to be the order of the day. It appears everywhere: in the government (they probably invented it), the news, and even in the kink community. I think the strangest expression of it is in the domestic discipline world. I started to call it a “community,” but it isn’t. It’s almost a religion. Domestic discipline is almost always expressed using spanking to punish the disciplined partner. As I wrote in my post yesterday, it’s been shown that a significant percentage of adults fantasize about being submissive and getting spanked.

Domestic discipline, by definition, puts one partner in a submissive position to the other. No, it isn’t the classic BDSM version of D/S, but it still counts. One partner gets to make and enforce rules. Sounds like someone is in charge. Right? Based on my surfing of the Web, a decent number of the guys who ask their wives to discipline them, learned about the practice from websites with decidedly sexual overtones. The old Disciplinary Wives Club website (currently unavailable) was filled with titillating stories of men being spanked by their wives. The focus was on the spankings, not the reason men should behave better.

Spanking seems to be the key. I haven’t seen any domestic discipline websites that talk much about timeouts and loss of privileges. Wouldn’t you imagine that those would be more appropriate adult punishments? If you believe that domestic discipline has nothing to do with sex, how do you explain that the primary punishment is always a practice that over a third of the population have sexual fantasies about?

The much bigger question is why does it matter if spanking is sexually arousing? As any adult who has received a serious spanking can attest, the only thing sexy about spanking is thinking about it. The actual activity is painful and not a bit sexy. Sure, BDSM spankings can be sexual fun. But even in that context, there are very few men who are aroused at the end of a spanking.

Women are different. I’ve known several women who orgasm during a spanking. Their sexual wiring is different from men’s. The paddling may hurt the buttocks, but the motion it creates can be very stimulating between the legs. Depending on the woman and the kind of spanking she is receiving, she can end up orgasming or being highly aroused at the end of a rather painful spanking.

Men can also get pleasure from spanking. If the spanker gradually increases the intensity of the spanking, the person spanked can become desensitized to the pain and enjoy being spanked. It’s an amazing feeling. Some call it sub space. I’ve known guys who actually fall asleep from the hormonal bath a BDSM spanking provides.

The difference between a disciplinary spanking and a BDSM spanking can be the slow buildup of the BDSM scene. That isn’t always true. BDSM scenes can be just as unpleasant as disciplinary spankings. When Mrs. Lion spanks me, she does “warms” me up with gentle swats. Her goal is to get me sufficiently used to being spanked so that I will remain willing to accept what she is giving me. It doesn’t take long before the swats hurt and hurt a lot. When she sees that I am near my limit, she will back off just a little, then push harder again. She makes sure that I am hating every moment of my punishment.

If her only goal were to punish me, she wouldn’t be concerned about my ability to take the pain. After all, I’m strapped down on the spanking bench, and I am unable to escape. She wants to punish me but also wants to be sure that I leave the spanking bench feeling that she didn’t abuse me. If domestic discipline were just about discipline, there would be little or no concern about my perception of my punishment.

Obviously, Mrs. Lion loves me and doesn’t like hurting me. She knows that I want and need the discipline and the spanking. I am sexually attracted to spanking. That doesn’t mean that I like being spanked. I don’t. But I like that she spanks me. See the difference? Without exception, every man I know about who is in a domestic discipline relationship gives full and continuing consent to his partner. This is a power exchange, willingly offered and accepted. Permission can be revoked at any time.

When you go beneath the “I need discipline” rationalizations, there is almost always a sexual attraction to being spanked and submitting in some way to the disciplinary partner. Women seem way more willing to admit the sexual connection than men. I’m not sure why. It could be the male ego and the unwillingness to admit the attraction to this maternal authority and the childish punishment that goes with it.

I’m pretty sure that our disciplinary wives get it. They understand our attraction to spanking and authority. Mrs. Lion accepts the role and does a great job as my disciplinary wife. I recognize the voluntary nature of what we do. I know that I’m sexually attracted to her female authority and being spanked.  It’s how I’m wired. I’m not unusual.

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