My Side Of The Story

Things are never as simple as they sound. Yesterday, Mrs. Lion wrote, “All You Gotta Do….” in which she complained about the sense of urgency I apparently put on things I want to be done. Reading her post, you’d think that all I do is nag her to do things for me. Maybe that’s how it feels to her. It isn’t how I see it.

The first thing is that I can’t do a lot of stuff for myself. I can’t see well enough to install the new USB hub I needed to allow me to connect my radio stuff. Mrs. Lion was kind enough to do this for me when it arrived. If she didn’t do it, I couldn’t work with the software that runs with my radio. No crisis for sure, but it is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

She isn’t good at finishing things. She’ll order stuff and have it delivered. It usually sits on the stove or kitchen table until we have a visitor or I growl. That’s why our pantry has stuff thrown into it, and the waxing table is covered with stuff. Our house is generally cluttered with received-but-not-put-away things. If I upset Mrs. Lion by asking her to do things, she upsets me by leaving things everywhere. It’s scary for me to have to thread my way through piles of stuff to get around the house.

Every so often Mrs. Lion complains about lack of “me” time. That confuses me. She works from 8 to 4:30 every weekday. After work, she usually takes about two hours to spend in bed with her iPad. Then she makes dinner. That doesn’t take long since we are eating Nutrisystem food. Then it’s back to the iPad. I watch TV while she does her thing. I’ve suggested that if she put in an hour a day on putting things away and sorting through piles, the house would be in good order and she wouldn’t feel so stressed. This doesn’t appeal to her.

I get it. She works at a demanding job, even if it is from home. She isn’t good at letting stress out. I think that’s why she gets so upset and feels pressured when I ask for something. My problem is that I have to ask. I can’t do things for myself. I would have loved to do all the antenna work myself. It’s fun for me. Sadly, I can’t see well enough to do it.

If I don’t ask, things don’t get done. They just don’t. I suppose I should just keep quiet. By and large I do. Mrs. Lion doesn’t know how upsetting it is to me when the house is so cluttered.  I only feel safe in my office or the bedroom. I don’t think she realizes how small that makes my world. The ham radio stuff is supposed to give me a way to expand my world a little. I’m hoping it does.

I’ve never been in a position to be so dependent. I don’t like it a bit. I know it pisses Mrs. Lion off when I ask her to do things. I try not to ask until I have no choice. There is a pretty long list of things that I would like done. I haven’t suggested that Mrs. Lion do any of them. I’m not a demanding bad guy. I am dependent. I can’t help that. I’m legally blind and have a hard time with balance. This causes me a lot of stress.

I don’t think she understands what it feels like for me. For example, I can’t see well enough to try to find food in our refrigerator. I would be able to if it were organized a little better. She does so many thoughtful things for me. She found some cherries at a local market. I had a few and the rest went into the fridge. I can’t find them myself. I don’t want to ask Mrs. Lion to get them. I’m overloading her now with my demands.

It isn’t that either of us is trying to be difficult. Our situation calls for changes that we haven’t made yet. Mrs. Lion and I are very different people. She doesn’t need order and organization. I do. Before I lost my vision and balance, I could do what I needed to get done and Mrs. Lion would help. Now, it is all up to her, and it stresses her. I get it. There’s nothing I can do about the lawn needing mowing or the garbage taken out. I can’t clean out and organize the fridge. All I can do is pretend that the situation doesn’t bother me until it reaches a point I have to become demanding and ask for things to get done.

I don’t usually say I want things now. I do ask when Mrs. Lion would be able to do them. She generally interprets that question as a demand to get to work now. All I really want is a scheduled time in the future. I also need to get the clutter out and for things to be put away where they belong. That isn’t my compulsive need. The sad fact is that I can’t see well enough to find things that are left, for example, in the dish rack or on the kitchen table. I depend on my memory of where things belong to manage day-to-day activities. I hate that, but it’s my life now.

I know that Mrs. Lion would do anything for me. I will do anything for her. It’s just that sometimes it feels overwhelming for her. Unfortunately, my alternative is to sit here at my disk or lie in bed watching TV. “Me” time for me is a chance to get out of these two rooms. It’s the ability to find the cherries that Mrs. Lion bought me. It’s being able to sit on our deck (the path to the back door is almost completely blocked). I realize that fixing these things will require Mrs. Lion to give up her “Me” time. I don’t want to do that. So, for the foreseeable future,  you can find me at my desk or in bed.