Mrs. Lion and I appear to have a failure to communicate. In her post yesterday, she wrote about why we didn’t do anything sexual the night before, more accurately, why she didn’t do anything sexually for me.  She wrote:

“I think Lion was snoozing after dinner, so we didn’t do a warm-up. He seemed more interested in the TV show we were watching than anything else, and even then, he snoozed too.”

These are pretty typical of the reasons she gives. I fell asleep for a short time right after dinner. Mrs. Lion was relaxing and digesting her food. The tray was still on the bed. She wanted to rest before doing the dishes. Sex wouldn’t be possible even if I were awake. She said I seemed more interested in the TV show than anything else. How did she know? I was watching TV while she played on her iPad and watched TV with me. I don’t think I made any sounds that signified I was too engrossed in watching boobs trying to find gold to forego sex. I was watching TV because I had nothing else to do. I could just as easily say that Mrs. Lion was too engrossed in her iPad to want to give me sex.

That brings me to a very touchy subject. Sex is for me, not for her. She’s made it clear that she gets nothing from it. She said in her post:

“I know it’s hard for Lion to initiate. The thing is, how do I know if he’s even interested when he’s cocooned in the blankets? Yes, I could ask. But couldn’t he ask me? “

Initiate? Initiate what? When I ask, I’m not initiating sex; I’m begging for attention. It would be one thing if my “initiation” ended up giving us both orgasms, but it doesn’t. It’s me asking her to play with my cock and maybe suck it. If I ask if she feels up to “something,” I refer to sex for me. I really hate doing it.

She will generally oblige by playing with my cock under the covers–that doesn’t work well for either of us. Then she will say, “Want to come out?” That’s her signal that she is ready to give me oral attention. You have to agree that these exchanges are clinical at best. Sure, I’m happy when she wants to suck me. She’s very, very good at it. It doesn’t turn me on to be asked if I want to come out. I resolved not to ask anymore. What we are doing doesn’t feel very good to me. That may be a big reason I’m not very responsive until a couple of weeks have passed, and I’m more desperate for sex. That’s not great.

Mrs. Lion said that she resolved to do more BDSM. She thinks that lack of it might be the problem. I don’t think so. I believe she has no real incentive to want to do sexual things. Mrs. Lion has denied this in the past but has yet to explain why she should. Also, if you believe actions speak louder than words, read back over her posts. She proposes all sorts of potentially fun sexual ideas but doesn’t follow through with them. Most recently, it’s been Lion O’Clock. I’m not clear on exactly that is, but whatever it is, it hasn’t happened.

I don’t want to be a chore. I absolutely don’t want Mrs. Lion pushing herself to give me sex when she is tired or not feeling well. That’s not my point. Maybe what I want is no longer possible. I want at least some of my sex to be fun for her. I don’t think she realizes that I sense how she feels even though she delivers world-class oral. That’s why my interest isn’t as high as it might be.

I think Lion was snoozing after dinner, so we didn’t do a warm-up. He seemed more interested in the TV show we were watching than anything else, and even then, he snoozed too. I was sweating but too lazy to get up to turn on the fan. Lion was cocooned in the blankets, so I figured he’d be too cold for the fan to be on. I didn’t ask. He didn’t ask. Eventually, around ten, I guess, he asked if I was feeling okay. I said I was hot and, at that point, my stomach was doing flips. More correctly, I suppose, was the fact that I was wondering why I was the one who should always initiate.

[Lion — Generally, I ask Mrs. Lion if she wants to do “anything.” I was feeling guilty about that because I think she feels pressure if I mention it. I only asked later because she didn’t say anything either way. I decided not to ask for that reason.]

I know it’s hard for Lion to initiate. The thing is, how do I know if he’s even interested when he’s cocooned in the blankets? Yes, I could ask. But couldn’t he ask me? Sure. He seems to sometimes. He’ll say he guesses I’m too tired for anything. That’s my cue that he’s looking for love. Then he’ll say he doesn’t want me to if I don’t want to. And around and around we go. There’s nothing spontaneous about it. Maybe I shouldn’t argue with his attempts to initiate if that’s what they are. If I give him grief about it, it will reinforce his thoughts that I say no all the time, and he won’t try anymore.

We have some errands to run today, and I’m not sure how long they’ll take. We may not have time for Lion o’clock, but we’ll certainly have time for a warm-up. We’ve only tried warm-up once, and it didn’t go so well. I’m wondering if it shouldn’t be closer to sex. You know, more like foreplay. Of course, that’s what it would be. I’m not sure why warm-up would be preferable to foreplay. Anything that helps is certainly welcome.

When reading and writing sex blogs, it’s way too easy to compartmentalize our various kinks. Sex and the various ways we play with it are considered in isolation. Maybe it is the only way to discuss the subject sensibly. For example, we write about spanking. We discuss how to spank a husband. We write about how I earn punishment. You see the visible results of my spankings. I know this is arousing and perhaps useful. It isn’t close to the whole story.

If I went to a professional dominant to be spanked, we would have a simple transaction: I pay her, and she spanks my bottom. She would satisfy a sexual need. There is nothing beyond the act itself. Yes, we might act out a fantasy. I could be a naughty schoolboy or an errant husband. But, in the end, it is a very simple transaction.

There is nothing simple about Mrs. Lion spanking me. It could be a BDSM scene, which wouldn’t be much different from the pay-to-play experience. Lots of couples do that. Since our arrangement is consensual, you could argue that we are also doing BDSM scenes. In a sense, we are. I break a rule and get spanked. The trigger is the rule. Yup that could be BDSM. It isn’t, at least not entirely.

It all has to do with motive. Spanking has sexual value to me. Even disciplinary spanking is arousing to think about. If my need was sexual, I would intentionally break the rules to trigger a spanking. I don’t. First of all, if Mrs. Lion thought I was getting in trouble to provoke a spanking, I’m sure she would find a more unpleasant way to punish me. Except for her “just because” spankings, I’m being punished as part of an effort to help me change my behavior.

In a sense, the “just because” spankings are BDSM to meet a sexual need. Actually, the reason we need them is much more complex. We’ve learned that our disciplinary relationship has to be a habit. If I don’t receive regular spankings, Mrs. Lion tends to overlook infractions of her rules. She gets out of the habit of observing and punishing my offenses. Regular spankings help to keep us both on our toes.

“Just because” spankings remind me how unpleasant it is to be punished. If too much time goes by between punishments, I tend to forget the pain and only remember the sexual feelings. That’s why all of my spankings have to severe. They have to overcome my sexual attraction to spanking and make me sorry I earned them. My sexual attraction to being spanked motivates me to get into position for my beating. Mrs. Lion’s severe, ten-minute long spanking makes me very sorry I needed her disciplinary attention.

I’m not unique. This complex set of motives and responses seems to be true of most couples practicing domestic discipline. The disciplined spouse wants to be held accountable and be punished as needed. The disciplinary spouse agrees to do this primarily because her husband asks. That’s how it started with us. Over time, it became more of a habit, and Mrs. Lion found value in being able to help improve my behavior. It started with my request. Over time domestic discipline has taken on a life of its own. I’m very happy it is part of our lives.