In some ways, we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to being submissive. A great deal of the submissive mystique centers around the pleasure our dominant partner gets from subjugating us. In reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Dominance is a service. It takes work to support the power exchange. For example, Mrs. Lion has to go to considerable trouble to keep me locked in a chastity device.
Sexual activity is no longer organic. There is always hardware between her and my penis. That’s just the physical part. There is also the emotional burden of owning the responsibility of initiating sexual contact. On top of that, she works hard to make sure that she is fulfilling my submissive sexual fantasy.
You could argue that in a vanilla sexual relationship, I would be the one doing that work. After all, the man is expected to initiate sex. It’s not “natural” for the woman to do it. Never mind the fact that study after study shows that a healthy majority of men find it difficult, if not impossible, to be the sexual initiators.
Sometimes I think that my inability to initiate might be the root cause of Mrs. Lion’s loss of interest in sex. Early in our blog’s history she wrote of her extreme frustration with my expectation that she would initiate sexual contact. She wrote that if I would initiate, the more romantic, she would be interested in sex. I tried. I did the best I could. It didn’t work for either of us.
I’ve had secret fears that one day a supra-masculine guy would come along and sweep her off her feet. She would be overcome with sexual desire as he forcefully and romantically seduced her. Intellectually, I know that’s not true. Emotionally, I’m just waiting for that to happen.
And a deep, dark level I still believe that there something wrong with me that expresses itself in my need for me to be controlled by my mate. I know that I’m far from alone in this desire. Knowing that just doesn’t help. So much focus is placed nowadays on the way that our male -controlled society makes it difficult for women to succeed. I think that this stereotype makes it difficult for men like me to feel good about our desire for feminine control.
I spent most of my adult life in the BDSM community as a dominant male. I have firsthand knowledge of just how much work it is to top someone. Contrary to the fantasies, being the top is a service. The fantasy is that the submissive partner provides valuable, selfless service to the top. By and large that’s an illusion. The so-called services provided would be freely given in a vanilla relationship. I’ve written about that before.
My dominant partner, Mrs. Lion, puts in a great deal of effort to make me happy. I have no illusion that she can’t wait to get home in order to punish me. I know that all the sex she does with me is completely for my benefit. She isn’t interested in sex for herself. Being my disciplinary wife and keyholder is nothing but work for her. I’m pretty sure this is the case for most women in dominant roles.
That doesn’t mean they aren’t happy to do this extra work. I think Mrs. Lion is glad she has the power to make me happy. After all, she loves me. My point is that being my keyholder and disciplinary wife are acts of love. She’s accommodating needs that I have. I like to think of myself surrendering control to her; a profound gift. The fact of the matter is that the real gift is coming from her to me. She is letting me live out my submissive desires.
Put simply, she is selflessly giving me the gift of her dominance.