Over the years, I’ve watched hundreds of people looking for and often finding partners who have complementary preferences. For example dominant men seek out submissive women, etc. Very few of the people I know who formed relationships this way managed to make them last. Apparently, kinky preferences aren’t sufficient to glue two people together for life.
I think people will focus on what seems to them their most urgent needs when they look for partners. If those needs are sexual, they can be satisfied in a relatively small amount of time. How long does it take to get off? That leaves the vast majority of the time together open and undefined.
If these preferences, especially kink, can be acquired, wouldn’t it make more sense to do one’s partner hunting around more durable common interests? I’m no one to talk. Mrs. Lion and I were drawn together by the need to have sex; no, not kinky sex. Over time, we were lucky enough to discover that we had much more in common. We built a much deeper connection.
Before I met her for the first time, I resolved to put BDSM on the back burner. I’ve been burned enough times prioritizing my kinky needs to realize that a peaceful, loving relationship was far more valuable than a hot one full of bondage and other kinky play. I wasn’t disappointed making vanilla love to my lioness. Let’s face it, a nice orgasm feels terrific.
I was a little surprised at myself when I asked her to consider spanking me. This happened sometime after we had established our sexual relationship. I don’t remember exactly how long I waited. It wasn’t planned. I just felt a growing need for that sort of play. I also didn’t want to look outside of my connection to Mrs. Lion to get it.
I was very lucky that she didn’t reject my request out of hand. If she had, I’m not sure what would’ve happened. I would like to think that we would’ve continued on our vanilla way. I kept feeling my need growing. It wasn’t the volcanic sensation of increasing horniness. It was more like there was a gap I needed to fill.
Happily, Mrs. Lion was willing to try swatting my butt. It took a very long time before her spankings were strong enough to make me yelp. It didn’t matter that her spankings were, shall we say, anemic. She was swatting my naked bottom. Even though the swats were just gentle pats, they satisfied my inner need. It didn’t hurt that each time she got me, her swats were a little bit harder. Her progress was a very big turn on for me.
As you know, she’s been open to lots of other kinky things I’ve asked for. Some of them have proven fun for her. We’ve evolved into a full-fledged kinky couple. More importantly, the deep connection we discovered long before we started seriously pursuing kink, has grown and has glued us together for life.
Long before I met Mrs. Lion, I observed other couples who were not only kinky but also strongly devoted to one another and in long-term relationships. Most of the relationships I’ve observed based on kinky desires, seemed to fall apart within two years of forming. These other couples were together a decade or more. I asked them about the secret of their success. Nobody had a profound magic pill to offer. However, every single successful couple I talked to started out as a classic, vanilla relationship. BDSM was never part of their initial transactions. Without exception, they became kinky some time after getting together.
I don’t think it matters whether the person needing the kinky activity is principally dominant or submissive. I think that the key is that after a bond is formed, the partner who doesn’t feel the need for this, recognizes how important these unusual activities are to the one they love. I don’t think that Mrs. Lion found my idea of being spanked exciting or fun when I proposed it. In fact, I don’t think she feels that way now. She does understand how important it is to me. She’s discovered that she can comfortably use her paddle to bruise my bottom.
She’s said that she doesn’t mind doing it. According to her, that’s because she knows how much I like it. She likes to do things she knows will make me happy. Of course the word “happy” has a slightly different meaning in this context. She knows that beating me makes me very unhappy at the time. But she also knows that it fills an inner need that I have.
For a long time I wanted her to have fun spanking me and doing other BDSM activities. I hoped she would find putting clothespins on my balls entertaining and amusing. Heaven only knows where I got that idea. I wanted her to like spanking me. I let her know that was something I wanted. Fortunately for me, she patiently explained that she doesn’t enjoy those things in the sense I described them. She told me that she does enjoy doing things I want and need.
When I thought back to my many years as a top, I realized she made a very good point. I can’t say that I was terribly amused topping my victims. I liked that I could get them turned on and give them something they wanted and needed. I liked the feeling of the power exchange. I wondered why it took me so long to figure out Mrs. Lion probably feels the same way about doing things to me.
I think there are a couple of lessons in this for other people getting started in various kinky pursuits. The most important is that trying to build a relationship based on BDSM, enforced male chastity, and other power exchanges rarely works. The classical love that forms when two people make that magic connection, cannot be replaced by mutual and complementary desires to do sexual things.
The second is that with patience, love, understanding, and honesty it’s possible to bend a straight vanilla relationship into a kinky one. As many of us have learned when trying to introduce enforced chastity to our partners, an honest, simple approach to the mechanical process succeeds far more often than trying to set up fantasy-based scenarios.
When I asked Mrs. Lion to spank me, all I said was, “I like to be spanked. Will you spank me?”
That was very difficult for me to say. I felt vulnerable and exposed with that simple request. For the record, when I asked her, she gave me a funny little look and then said, “I’ll try it if you want.”
I didn’t realize at the time how important it was to limit my request to the specific physical activity. In my mind I had fantasies of being spanked for doing things I shouldn’t. If I had tried presenting that, I’m sure we would never have started. The reason I didn’t was that I realized there was way too much context needed to begin considering a disciplinary relationship. I also realized that being spanked turned me on. I knew that I would be happy if she would juat paddle my butt.
My years of topping taught me that BDSM scenes don’t require role-play. In fact, as a top I disliked taking on a role. I preferred providing the physical sensations I negotiated with the bottom. That experience allowed me to realize that what I really wanted was for Mrs. Lion to spank me. I didn’t care if she had a reason or not.
Now, years later, we have the context of punishment and discipline. I also get spanked sometimes just “because”. We developed the disciplinary context together. Punishments are very limited in terms of variety. At this point almost all feature spanking, painful spanking. Sometimes I will get mouth-soaping. That’s what happened to me Monday night. I think that this addition was very positive. For reasons I can’t explain, it’s difficult to make the spanking hurt more than a few minutes after it’s done. It just seems to be the way my bottom is built. However, spending time with soap in my mouth remains with me for an hour or more if I’m not permitted to eat anything when the punishment is done. I like this lasting effect.
I’m very sure that Mrs. Lion has no investment in making me feel the effects of her punishment any particular amount of time. I’m also pretty sure that, like spanking, mouth-soaping is just another thing I’ve asked her to do. That’s the point. It’s as simple as that. What we do is a combination of things I’ve asked for and things she’s decided she wants to do. The combination helps make us happier and closer to one another.