It’s no surprise that I’d rather watch movies at home. No crowds. Pause for pee breaks. I can ignore the movie and do something else while Lion watches. So giving Lion a reward of seeing a movie I know he really wants to see was a big deal. Over the years, going to the movies has become somewhat of a battle. He’ll say he wants to see a movie. Each time he sees the commercial he’ll say he wants to see the movie. After it’s out of the theaters, he’ll say he really wanted to see the movie. Eventually I realized that he’d never see the movie unless I looked up show times and wrote them down for him. Then he had the information he needed to see the movie. Nine times out of ten we’d go see the movie. So what’s the problem?

Either I don’t want to see the movie or don’t care if I see the movie. I’ll go with him. But usually I couldn’t care less if we go or not. So why am I the one looking up the information? That may seem like a small point, but given the fact that Lion, pre-unemployment, buys what he wants when he wants it including opera tickets, symphony tickets, theater tickets, etc., why is going to see a movie any different? Why am I the one who has to make that decision? And I know you’ll say it’s because I don’t really want to go and he doesn’t want to make me do something I don’t want to do. Hello? Opera. Symphony. Theater.

So a while ago I made the rule (and this was even before FLM) that if he wanted to go to the movies he had to look up the show time and decide when he wants to go. He will do it very rarely and I have still done it for him a few times for movies I know he really, really wants to see, even though it annoys me every time. His reward movie was no different. It’s his reward. Why am I doing the work? And yes, I had forgotten about it. I thought of it the other day, wondered if it was still playing, and promptly forgot about it again. I’m glad he remembered. I am. The movie was ok. It was just like the TV show. But I’m glad he remembered because it was a reward and he earned it. If he had forgotten I probably would have transferred the reward to a different movie he wanted to see. I’m not evil. I wouldn’t rescind a reward just because he forgot. How many times do I forget things? Don’t answer that.

All of this leads me, in a roundabout way, to Lion’s post today. Here’s my quandary: I don’t like to be in charge. He wants me to be in charge. When I think about being in charge I worry I will hurt him somehow. How could I hurt him by being in charge? When he’s down from being out of work I could tell him to snap out of it. Suck it up, Buttercup. I’m tired of hearing your whining. There are so many things wrong with those statements. There’s no switch to make yourself feel better when you’re down. I hate when people tell me to just get over it already. And I’m not tired of hearing Lion whine (even though he doesn’t really even whine). I’m more of a we’re-in-this-together kind of person. I could tell him he’s not allowed to spend any money even on lunch when all he really wanted was something from the McDonald’s $1 menu. Just because I decide not to go out for lunch to save money doesn’t mean he can’t have lunch out occasionally. Demanding he stay home and not spend money at all would be unfair. He hates being cooped up in the house all day, every day. As much as I love being home, I got stir crazy after a few days when I was unemployed and home all day, every day.

As I see it, my job is to manage things. Yesterday, I wanted nothing more than a day at home. I knew we were going to the movies in the evening. The day was mine. Lion was stir crazy. He needs to be out and about at least once a day and we had to get our mail from the post office anyway, so off we went. Did it kill me? Nope. Would it have killed Lion to stay in till the movie? Nope. But there are times when I need to give him a longer lead than others. He wants to make me happy. I want to make him happy. Give and take. That’s how it works.

I’m trying hard to manage work and home and money and Lion. I can’t make all the decisions all the time. I’m just not wired that way. I’m trying to make more decisions. Baby steps. It would be too difficult for me to flip a switch to make myself an extreme dominant. I would burn out in a minute. And I’m sure Lion would hate it too. Just like you can’t lose 50 pounds in a week, I can’t become super dominatrix overnight. Besides, if we don’t figure it out on our own, it won’t have much chance of succeeding.

The classic enforced chastity / FLM fantasy portrays the keyholder / disciplining wife as a strict dominant who makes her will known using withering looks and stern tones. Punishment is swift and strong. Orders are given and opinions are never solicited. That might be how some relationships work, but not ours. Mrs. Lion isn’t assertive. She never lets me know when she wants something. She doesn’t like to tell me what to do.  Her personality doesn’t lend itself to the dictatorial dominatrix archetype. I know she has wrestled with this since I asked her to lock me up. At times we have both been frustrated. But I married a very smart lioness and she is developing her own style.

I should say that every time I write about how I see her wielding power, she lets me know that I have it wrong. So, take this post with a grain of salt until she confirms what I am saying. One of the best benefits of this blog for she and I is that it allows us to express what we think is going on and then get correction and confirmation as needed. With that in mind, here goes.

Mrs. Lion does not like being in charge. At work she avoids supervisory roles if possible. Here at home she would much rather I say what we will watch on TV, eat for dinner, go on vacation, even what movie we should see. Even though we have agreed to a FLM, that hasn’t changed. I think that’s fine. The pattern works for us. But then how can we have FLM (Female Led Marriage)? Over time I think that Mrs. Lion will use her veto power more, maybe much more. It’s difficult for her to say no. Her challenge is to assert her will over mine.  It makes no sense to either of us for her to do it in an arbitrary way just to show she has the power. Goodbye fantasy dominatrix. However, as her self confidence grows, I hope she will assert herself more. This will happen in two ways: First, she will say no when my suggestion isn’t what she wants. That will be a very big step. The second, even bigger step will be when she actually tells me what she wants. Both of these actions will be hard for some time, but she will do it.

The reason I am sure she will is that in the sexual area she has done precisely that. She teases me and gives me orgasms without any input from me. I truly don’t have a vote about my sexual activities. It took a long time to get to this point, but we got there. In yesterday’s post, she asserted this very point. Good job my lioness! I’m sure she will continue to exercise her power in other areas as well.

She also knows me very well. I’m not fundamentally submissive. I am comfortable being in charge. I’m very comfortable as a top. You would never pick me as a great candidate for enforced chastity and FLM. But I asked for both. Maybe one day I will understand why I want this, but I do. That doesn’t mean my nature is going to suddenly do a 180 and magically turn me into a submissive. It means that I need to submit, not that I will be good at it.

As I said, Mrs. Lion is very smart. She knows that I need to feel successful relinquishing control. Head-on challenges might be fun in a play sense, but would almost certainly make me insecure and rebellious.  So Mrs. Lion’s iron fist is covered with a velvet glove. Take the movie we went to last night. In our current difficult circumstances, a trip to the movies is a big event. Mrs. Lion gave me a reward for my work around the house. She told me we could go see Entourage. I loved the TV show and she knew I really wanted to see the movie. She didn’t say when or even make a move to remind me. She knew I would think of it and ask her if we could go. Friday night I looked on the web and saw it was playing nearby at a theater that also serves food. It’s fun to go. The movie doesn’t cost more than other theaters though you do end up buying a burger and a drink. She agreed it was a good idea. I got the tickets and we went. She bought me a burger and a diet coke. We had a good time and I loved the movie.

This power exercise required my help. I did decide when we would go. But that’s fine. I knew it was a reward. Would it have been better if she made the arrangements? Perhaps, but it worked just fine this way too. I would just hope that if I forgot I had it coming that she would have reminded me. As it was, I remembered. I tend to be better at remembering things.

What I find particularly instructive is that we can still capitalize on our strengths while maintaining our particular flavor of FLM. From the outside it may look like I call the shots, but the truth is that I asked Mrs. Lion if we could go before getting tickets. She said yes and remembered it was my reward. I think that too many guys make the mistake of confusing stern behavior with authority. Mrs. Lion has a firm grip on my leash. I can only go as far as she wants. She is in charge and I know it.

Well I didn’t really lie. I had every intention of just edging Lion last night. His scheduled date wasn’t until next weekend sometime. I was all set to edge him nightly until then. After I edged him three times, I was encouraged by the pre-cum to continue on with a full orgasm. I told myself if I could edge him four times then I deserved to give him an orgasm. And it was yummy.

Lion told me it would cure his grumbliness. I hadn’t noticed any grumbling. He seemed fine all day. He said he wasn’t going to go around mumbling about being frustrated because he didn’t want to get in trouble. I had no idea he was so horny. He hasn’t been lately. I’m glad he is. I like a horny Lion.

I’ve decided that the frequency of his orgasms benefits us both. He loves getting them and I love giving them. It’s sort of a reward for getting through another day with all the issues we’re facing. Of course, he won’t get them every day, but for the time being more is better. As long as I am able to successfully edge him, that is. If I go through another period of ruined orgasms I may change my mind.

Our current version of male chastity probably isn’t anyone else’s idea of the perfect version. Too bad. It works for us and that’s all that matters. If I’m the one making the decisions then what I say goes. More orgasms. Fewer orgasms. I run the show. Lion will never argue with more orgasms unless I decide to do them nightly for more than two days in a row. And he wouldn’t necessarily be against trying. It just probably wouldn’t work. So for the time being, I will make no promises about the length of Lion’s wait. Schedule be damned! I’ll give him an orgasm when I think one of us deserves it. The lioness has spoken.

We are back on the “Give the lion less orgasms” regime. I don’t get a vote, but if I did I would vote for the more frequent ejaculations; at least for a while. As I wrote yesterday, sex for me doesn’t include ejaculation anymore. When I actually get to come it is always a very welcome surprise. Because Mrs. Lion has no interest in orgasms, we haven’t had a chance to consider the logical next step in male sexual retraining: post-ejaculate sex.

Most caged males regularly provide orgasms to their keyholders (and perhaps others the keyholder authorizes) without ejaculating themselves. Providing sex is an activity that doesn’t require reciprocation. That is the conditioning I discussed yesterday. Stimulating my penis doesn’t set up an expectation that I will be allowed to ejaculate. Of course, I want to, but I truly don’t expect it. That in and of itself is a major change in male focus.

The next step — yes there is a next step — is post ejaculation sex. It’s difficult to learn to no longer expect an orgasm, but when we finally get one, our orgasm is the end of the festivities. This is no different than it is for most other males. Once we come we are done. But should we? After all, we’ve learned to separate our ejaculation from penile stimulation as well as providing others with multiple orgasms. Very few of us, if any, have had post-ejaculation sexual activities. If we have truly separated our own pleasure from sex we give, then it shouldn’t matter what state of arousal or satiation we are in when we are told to provide sexual pleasure for others.

For example, let’s say the keyholder decides to edge the caged male and then finally let him have a full orgasm. She finds this very arousing and is now ready for some orgasms herself. He should be ready, willing and able to do anything sexual she requires. I think that would be difficult for most guys, at least in the beginning. I know keyholders who “use” their males without any direct teasing or other stimulation. That’s different. At that point he is capable of orgasm if allowed, so he will be aroused providing pleasure even without anything for him. Just stimulating his keyholder is exciting and satisfying. I wonder if that would be equally true if immediately after he ejaculates, she has him go to work giving her orgasms.

I think this kind of sexual service is completely for her pleasure. He isn’t ready to be aroused again unless he is very young. He wants to bask in the afterglow of his orgasm but can’t. He has to get to work giving his keyholder orgasms since she found making him come was arousing. I know I would be willing to do this for Mrs. Lion but it would be challenging. Just as I have been conditioned to expect an orgasm every time I am stimulated, I am conditioned to expect sexual activity to stop, at least for a while, after I come. I’ve been broken of the expectation that I get to come every time I am stimulated. The next step is to learn to separate providing sexual pleasure from my interest or arousal.

Once a male has been trained to completely separate giving orgasms from his own arousal, he is truly trained to give without any sexual pleasure for him at all. I know I am willing to do this, but it isn’t automatic once I come to immediately look for opportunities to provide (more) sexual pleasure to Mrs. Lion. This, of course, requires conditioning for the keyholder too. Most, like Mrs. Lion, are fully able to tease and enjoy sex without reciprocation. But how many have considered giving the caged male an orgasm as foreplay for her own orgasms? I know that Mrs. Lion and others have said that they love giving their males orgasms. I wonder if part of that enjoyment isn’t a feeling of sexual power that is also arousing? If it is, what better way to enhance the pleasure than teasing him and finally giving him an orgasm, they lying back for extended oral stimulation. Sound like fun? Maybe the new male orgasm routine should include post-ejaculation orgasms for the keyholder.