May 2015 (Page 13)

How do you keep the interest up in a chastity environment? Lion has written about males losing interest when left in their cages without attention for too long. I have written about how difficult it is to maintain excitement even with attention. Last night, during our nightly edging session, it seemed that Lion wasn’t very interested. Ultimately he became interested, but I was wondering if things had become boring for him again. Aside from actually teasing him, we haven’t really been doing anything else. I did give him a butt plug a few days ago, but that was the extent of it.

In the past Lion said he needs a little bit of a lead-up to things. He was looking for foreplay. Ironically, that’s the one thing many men don’t realize women need. So as I was massaging his balls last night at 10 pm, which is right back to the old routine, I wondered if he was bored with the nightly teasing. I did make dinner last night so our timing for the whole evening was thrown off. Tonight I have a work function that will get me home late again. But I need to do something to keep him interested. And it can’t only be on the weekends. I have to get out of the rut of just teasing him.

I hesitate to say it, but I think I need a schedule of events. Not that Tuesday will always be spanking night or Thursday is butt plug night. Just a guide to give me ideas for any given night. I know I have all these possibilities, but it’s sort of like figuring out dinner. Sure the freezer is full, but what can we have for dinner? Sure the toy chest is full, but what can I do to Lion? Didn’t we just have meatloaf? Didn’t I just put clothes pins on his balls?

This is a recurrence of an old theme. At one point I wondered how to decide when to schedule Lion’s orgasms. Now I need to figure out how to schedule play sessions. Or, more correctly, what to do in those play sessions. It’s that damn inertia again. So easy for me to fall back on not doing things. Lion deserves better than that.

I think that most of us think about enforced chastity in a monolithic way: lock up the penis and make him wait for orgasm. Of course, that’s true. It’s a little like saying all dancing is alike: people move their feet; also true, but clearly not a sufficient definition. Most conversations about this subject start and stop at locking up the penis, teasing, and eventual ejaculation. There are copious discussions about the security, fit, and comfort of various chastity devices. You can find millions of words describing edging, teasing, and orgasms written by people practicing enforced chastity. But there is almost nothing about the rest. What is that?

Enforced chastity generally begins very simply. A man learns about the practice and begins to have very hot fantasies about his penis being locked up so he can’t masturbate or have sex. In most cases, he can’t even get  an erection. Why it is hot to have a fantasy about not being able to have sex is one of the mysteries of testosterone. The fantasies lead to buying a device and convincing someone to be his keyholder. You can read lots about that process here and on other blogs.

The mechanics are simple: get a device, convince someone to hold your key, lock it on, and at some point after much frustration, get to ejaculate. I think it is fair to say that most of us start off with no more information than this. The game is fun for a while, but is unlikely to go on very long without something else. It’s the “something else” that is where the variations come in. Here are three of them:

The marathon man
This guy wants to see how long he can abstain. He wants his keyholder to force him to wait for longer and longer periods of time. The device is locked on and doesn’t come off until his release date. In the beginning it can be a week or a month. Over time, he wants longer and longer waits. Almost invariably, at some point he never wants another orgasm. The chastity device isn’t necessary. A lot of men who practice this don’t wear devices. Some do want teasing between orgasms to make things more frustrating. The keyholder isn’t very important. Her job is to let him know that she would like him to never come. She encourages longer and longer waits. In many cases, when he does get to ejaculate, he has to masturbate under her supervision. He usually provides his keyholder with oral and manual orgasms.

It’s all about her
In this scenario, the caged male is expected to provide almost continuous sexual service to his keyholder. His interest in satisfying her increases the longer he waits. She postpones his orgasms as long as she can since she gets real benefits from his frustration. This is the classic enforced chastity fantasy. Some people live this. Generally they are younger people whose sex drives are near their peaks. The keyholder in this case is intensely involved in the man’s chastity. She is using her partner as a sex toy. Anything she can do to improve his performance, like extended waits, is what she values.

This may appear very one sided, but in fact the male is living a submissive fantasy. He is being used without any chance of reciprocation. For a submissive this is perfect. Many times, couples who practice this also include some BDSM: bondage, spanking, and extensive teasing. They both love it when he suffers, particularly the acute frustration that constant sexual arousal without satisfaction provokes. Long waits are necessary to force even a stoic guy to beg piteously. She will require intercourse frequently, but will punish him if he orgasms without permission. He gets punished if he does.  I think that this particular arrangement is very rare. It requires both partners to possess a specific set of kinks as well as a woman with an insatiable sex drive.

The married man
This variation is the one that we practice. The guy has the same hot fantasies as the others. He asks his wife if she will be his keyholder. He tells her about his fantasies (as do the others). They start off with short lockups, some teasing, and then release. She has a normal-to-low sex drive. Providing her with sex is not tied to his chastity. She will release him if she desires intercourse. She doesn’t try to train him not to come while inside her. She may release him from the device for edging.

His waits are fairly short. Rarely does he have to wait more than a few weeks; usually only a week or two. Teasing sessions are very frequent. Over time she learns to enjoy his frustration, particularly when she repeatedly edges him. She may or may not enjoy the power he has given her. She does enjoy his frustration. It’s hot to see him so desperate to come,  yet have to go without.

The marriage may have drifted away from sex. Sexual, and sometimes any physical contact have tapered off, maybe stopped. The chastity device and his sexual helplessness force them to communicate about sex. Over time, they use enforced chastity as a tool that restores their sex life and physical contact. Power exchange beyond controlling his arousal and release is not necessary for this to work. Many couples consider themselves vanilla, except for the device between his legs. It becomes a second wedding ring symbolizing their sexual and physical closeness.

There are many other variations. All enforced chastity shares the basic reality that the male loses sexual control of his penis. What happens once he is locked up can vary widely.

It seems our roles have been reversed in the Lion’s den lately. Lion is doing more of the household chores and I am the bread winner. We have separate checking accounts for a variety of reasons. When Lion is working he makes about three times what I make, so he usually pays for most things. I give him a portion of my paycheck and I pay for my own bills, gas, etc. Now I have the steady paycheck and many bills are in a holding pattern.

The other day I mentioned how weird it feels to be the one paying for things. Lion immediately said he would pay me back. But it isn’t that I mind paying for things. Our money, while held separately, is shared. Spending the money wasn’t the weird part. I’m just not normally the one who swipes the debit card at the grocery store. Similarly, Lion mentioned last night that he feels like Cinderella since he is doing the laundry, changing the bed, and cooking. I know I’m not the evil stepmother. Maybe I’m the fairy godmother. I grant his chastity and FLM wishes. The difference is that his chariot will not turn into a pumpkin at midnight. We’re not stopping either chastity or FLM. But CinderLion will scale back on his housework once he gets a job.

We had another maintenance spanking last night. Six somewhat hard swats and Lion was able to stay still for them. He said they stung and he felt them for a while afterwards, but nothing like the punishment swats from the other night. I’d hope not. Those swats aren’t meant to correct behavior. They are meant to condition behavior. I’m sure he wished I had forgotten to do them. He did remind me earlier in the day, like a good boy. But after that, it’s up to me to remember. He’s under no obligation to make sure I don’t forget later on.

We’ve also continued with our edging every night. I keep teasing him that he has to wait till the end of the month for an orgasm. We both know that isn’t very likely. It would be his longest wait by far. Neither of us cares to wait that long. We both have fun with the edging, but we’d both have more fun if he had an orgasm. For now, Lion is a frustrated, horny boy. I like that.

It’s always bothered me when chastity fantasies include housework or dressing in female clothing. It bothers me more when women impose this on their submissive males. The reason this gives me so much trouble is what these actions imply. You see, if housework is considered part of the overhead of living rather than a menial task performed by inferior people, there would be no sexual rush in being forced to do it. Similarly, wearing women’s clothing is seen as demeaning, even humiliating for a man. That’s why some guys want to wear panties and other female apparel. It’s humiliating to dress like a girl. Consider why this is the case. If a woman wears men’s clothes, it’s considered cute or sexy. There is nothing humiliating about a woman wearing men’s underwear or other items. The only reason for this difference is that at some level being a woman is considered inferior to being a man. So, a man in a woman’s clothing is seen as humiliated by wearing the garb of an inferior being.

Some men wear women’s clothing because they like how it feels and looks. I’m not including that choice in this discussion. I am referring to the male, submissive fantasies that feature panties, dresses, bras, etc. I have to admit that it is embarrassing for me to think about being made to wear panties. I realize that the only reason I feel that, is my feeling I would be laughed out or ridiculed if seen in them. That’s completely wrong. If Mrs. Lion wore my underwear and was seen, no one would laugh. I see this as a problem I have. I shouldn’t be hypocritical.

The issue with housework is much more serious, I think. Along the line, pretty much everyone buys into the idea that housework is menial duty, or worse, women’s work. That’s why so many males who ask for enforced chastity or FLM describe fantasies where they are made to do all of the housework. Based on my reading, a shockingly large number of keyholders and disciplinary wives also subscribe to this stereotype. The archetypical fantasy has the man surrender sexual control by wearing a chastity device. His keyholder requires his sexual service (what guy doesn’t fantasize about that!), and he is required to cook, clean, and do the laundry. How many blogs can you find where the keyholder requires this of her male?

I do like an element of humiliation in my role as surrendered, chaste male. That’s why I initially suggested diapers and to a much lesser extent, panties to Mrs. Lion. I never considered housework in that respect. The reason for that is that we have always handled cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. as necessary overhead and we share it based on available time and energy. I would have been incredibly upset if Mrs. Lion demanded I do it all. Partly, it’s because I would feel it is unfair, but more importantly it would make something I consider an important part of our partnership and turn it into a menial, servant function I would perform. Besides, lions are horrible at cleaning.

If all this seems puzzling, consider cooking. Cooking used to be considered women’s work. Men didn’t do that. But now that’s not even close to reality. Thanks, I think, to wider use of restaurants, cooking shows on TV, and increased status of professional chefs, guys consider cooking a very worthy pursuit in and out of the home. I’ve loved to cook for decades. I am not in the least feminine. I’m also a very good cook. Mrs. Lion says I cook better than her. See? you weren’t shocked that I like to cook? What if I said I love ironing? You probably would roll your eyes, or maybe even snicker. For the record, we both hate to iron.

I think that buying into the idea that any domestic activity other than childbirth belongs to one sex or the other is a terrible mistake. When a keyholder treats making her male do housework as a submissive act, she is making the feminine mistake. This is one fantasy not to feed. I would suggest a new keyholder consider using her power to equitably divide household chores. She can, of course, demand personal services like drawing baths, pedicures, massages, breakfast in bed. Personal services don’t feed the stereotype. This, of course, is up to the people involved. Mrs. Lion isn’t into primping. She is a bit of a tomboy. So, at least up to this point, doesn’t require these services of me. Just as well; she’d be taking her life into her hands asking me to do delicate things for her.