March 2015 (Page 2)

As Mrs. Lion mentioned, yesterday we got new floggers. I took a chance ordering them online directly from China. It turns out they are quite nice. Mrs. Lion enjoyed trying them out. They felt good to me, though the little PVC tails stung my cock and balls. It was fun. After our test drive, she edged me quite a few times. She wanted some pre-cum. I was unable to provide her with any. I wonder why that is. She brought me fairly close to orgasm over and over. Yet, no result. On Friday night, she got me within an inch of a ruined orgasm. I produced a stream of pre-cum. We both thought it was another ruined orgasm.

I’m reacting differently to edging. Both Friday and last night, after my lioness brought me close, I thought I was getting soft. There has been a little reduction in intensity. I’m not sure what is happening. It could just be a function of my normal rhythms. I might be the length of my wait. I just feel a somewhat general loss of sensitivity. It isn’t that Mrs. Lion is not doing her job. She is. She is amazing. So the issue, if there is one, is all about me.

It bothered me on Friday. I was sure that I got soft after that unusual stream of pre-cum. But Mrs. Lion said I stayed hard. I seemed to react the expected way and with the expected duration of stimulation. It wasn’t the same to me. It’s only been a week. That’s actually pretty long for me. For months I have had shorter waits. Well, the waits may have been longer, but ruined orgasms restart my sexual clock. Is this something we should expect? I have to admit that I’m feeling a little upset. I should be instantly hard and dying for an orgasm from every touch.

This wait just isn’t that long or unusual. It could be that the stress of being out of work is causing my problem. It doesn’t feel that way, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the cause. My inclination is to stay quietly in my cage and not risk the lack of arousal I seem to be experiencing. It’s way too easy for Mrs. Lion to blame herself. This is absolutely not her doing. Does it have anything to do with being locked up and not allowed to come? I just don’t think so. It is just me. But the fact remains that I am experiencing a sexual low at a time when I should be rattling the bars of my cage.

Well, I’m not. Since Mrs. Lion has been doing more than her share of teasing me, I shouldn’t be dropping due to the neglect being locked up can cause. I get more sex than I did before being caged. I just don’t get more orgasms. I’m stumped. I have no idea what, if anything, can be done to restore my interest. So, I’ll wait and see what happens next.

It’s not usual for me to write so much about my sexual reactions. I figure that you are way more interested in yours than mine. It also has nothing at all to do with enforced chastity. The cage isn’t coming off because I don’t like sex so much right now. My level of sexual interest has no bearing on anything regarding enforced chastity or FLR. My arrangement doesn’t require me to like it, or for that matter, to like myself. Right now I’m not all that fond of me. I feel like I failed in an important area of my life. Objectively, I do realize that bad things have to happen, but the little kid inside me just doesn’t understand.

Mrs. Lion has been great. She has been giving me a lot of extra hugs and keeps reminding me how important I am to her. But I have a lot of empty hours to fill with old TV shows, reading, and so-far-futile attempts to find work. This is a pretty desolate emotional landscape. Would being unlocked and allowed as much sex as I want, help? I’m sure it wouldn’t. Locked or not, my interest in sex is very low. Ironically, the fact that I am locked and that Mrs. Lion has a commitment to herself that she will tease me at least every other day, keeps sex in my life, even now.

I don’t often write about writing. My posts are a window into me. I’ve never tried to make them a sanitized version of my life. I know some people read them. You do and I am grateful for your indulgence. I’ve observed that my posts receive less feedback than many on other people writing blogs get. I wonder if I am somehow unapproachable. Is there something in my writing that is unworthy of discussion? Am I aloof and unreachable? I suppose all writers sometimes feel disconnected from their readers. But the numbers I am so fond of checking don’t lie: I get less than one comment per post (like the veritable 2.75 children the average couple has). We bloggers read one another’s work. I’m jealous of the great discussions going on in other blogs. This isn’t a shameless attempt to get more comments here. I’m truly puzzled by my inability to generate discussion.

All this is way less interesting to you than the state of my caged penis, I am sure. It isn’t why you stopped by. But the reason I write every day is to share at least one part of my life. This may be like our recent expansion of Mrs. Lion’s power. For some reason I want to share more of me than my sexual adventures. Even if I’m not the cool kid, I want you to know me a little better. I think that my state of mind may shed some light on the sexual stuff. We are complex critters; one part of our lives inevitably bleeds into another.

Here I am very early on Monday morning (3 AM) rewriting my Monday post. It’s silent and I am in my home office surrounded by a thick darkness. There’s just the small light from my desk lamp and the glow of the monitor. I live far from traffic noise and other human habitation. It’s easy to feel isolated here. Mrs. Lion is snoring softly in the bedroom. Our dog is sleeping under my side of our bed. This is the loneliest time of day. I know the company of my dear lioness is just a hug away. She’ll gladly stay up with me if I want.

A few years ago, my knee was infected. I had fallen and just scraped it, but a staph infection moved in. Weeks later my knee blew up like a balloon. A trip to the ER turned into being admitted to the hospital. I was in a fog of pain meds for over a week there. Mrs. Lion was with me every waking hour. She sat silently in my hospital room with me. Day after day, she was there. I felt safe because I knew she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. No one, not even my parents had ever cared enough about me to so something like that. I am telling you this because I want you to know that I may be sad but I am not alone or lonely. I am truly loved.

This is something I want you to know. My lioness has learned to do all the stuff a good keyholder and FLR wife should do. She is becoming increasingly strict (in a very loving way) with me. Tonight I will get a very painful spanking for my transgressions the last few days. Is it right to spank someone who is already hurting? She has wondered that. I told her that it is even more important now. That pain is not only teaching me to be more careful about executing my chores. It is also an unmistakable reminder that I am loved. I suspect that those of us who want to be in a Female Led Relationship (FLR) do so because it makes us feel loved.

Even at 3am with much going on that brings me down, I am fortunate enough to have someone in the next room who loves me enough to lose sleep just to help me feel better. I am also fortunate that you have taken the time to read about something completely off topic. Even now when I am having all these 3am thoughts, I have to smile at my good fortune. I think about the last line in the Gene Wilder version of Willie Wonka:

Wonka (to Charlie while riding up in the “Wonkavator”): Do you know what happened to the little boy who got everything he ever wanted?

Charlie: What?

Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

I feel better. I’m going to try to get a little sleep. Don’t forget to write.

Yesterday, I presented some of the statistics about our relationship. Mrs. Lion reviewed my post before I scheduled it for release. After she gave her approval, I asked her if she thought I would be wearing a chastity device after all this time. She admitted that she didn’t. I didn’t either. It seemed out of character for Mrs. Lion to consistently keep me in enforced chastity. She isn’t wired that way. Throughout our life together she has always taken a very laid-back approach to life. Things like mess don’t bother her. Enforcing anything was not a pattern she ever displayed.

In the past, when I expressed my interest in being tied up, spanked and teased, Mrs. Lion would do it a few times and then stop. If I reminded her, she would do it. But if I was silent, we didn’t play. She was always willing to do things I asked, but she very rarely initiated. I tend to be more driven. I have always taken the lead. There was one big hole in that leadership: sex. I just couldn’t initiate sexual activity. I did it once in a while, but I was very uncomfortable doing it. Over the years this resulted in sex disappearing from our marriage. To make matters more difficult, Mrs. Lion lost her interest in sex for herself. She still isn’t interested.

I’m sure she thought that enforced chastity would stop after I grew tired of it. In the beginning, I was driving the entire experience. Mrs. Lion was taking direction from me. After all, as she said, she was doing this because it made me happy. Many of her posts here clearly state that she prefers to give me orgasms and not withhold them. I wondered if we would continue for long. After all, if I am controlling the experience, it loses the point. Almost at the same time we started enforced chastity, I started this blog. My intention was to share my long experience in power exchange and to chronicle our enforced chastity experiences.

For the first few months I became frustrated with this self-directed chastity. I noted that guys who wrote other blogs about this subject also seemed to be providing the ground rules that their keyholders more or less followed. Some were at the extreme where only the men put on and took off the device and their keyholders directed them to jerk off when an orgasm was due. There was virtually no interaction. I knew I didn’t want that. Others had keyholders who were fully engaged and controlled everything including daily teases and keyholder orgasms.

We fit somewhere in the middle. Our biggest challenge is that I am the only one who actually wants sex. Mrs. Lion’s libido has not returned. I suspect that she just isn’t turned on by me. Maybe someone she considers sexier would turn her on. No, I am not interested in her finding that man. It would break my heart. But I am concerned that I am the problem.

Anyway, right up to the present, all of our sexual activities are aimed at me. Mrs. Lion has been working hard to become more consistent. She teases (and denies) me every other day without fail. I get orgasms when she decides it is time. I am locked in my Bird Cage at all times. It only comes off for sexual activity with her, or if circumstances require it off. That almost never happens. She has steadily taken more control. At this point, the only way I can get any sexual activity is if she decides I should have it, or if I use a coupon she has given me.

Even more surprising than our continuing enforced chastity is that Mrs. Lion has agreed to FLR (Female Led Relationship). We are starting off slowly, but not as slowly as with enforced chastity. Mrs. Lion now has a system to add things to our lives. She is following it for FLR. She started by daily spankings to help her learn to be able to actually hurt me with a spanking and to be able to continue no matter how I feel about it: Domestic Discipline 101. Now, she has added more reasons that I will be punished. She is much more observant of my behavior and is ready to correct my errors on our twice-weekly (Monday and Thursday) punishment days.

All of this can sound contrived. To some extent it is. But if we are to truly add enforced chastity and FLR to our lives, we need these contrived tools to allow us to build the patterns that will end up as parts of our daily lives. I think that is the secret to successful integration of power exchange into daily life. It starts out with specific, scheduled activities and rules. After months, perhaps years, of gradually increasing the intensity of these planned activities, they become ingrained and a natural part of our lives. I think it is a good way to make the changes enforced chastity and FLR demand of both of us. If we didn’t stumble on this technique, I think we would have quit after the first few weeks.