Chastity aside, power exchange can do funny things to your mind. When I first started playing, I ended up as a bottom. At the time, it wasn’t so much my choice. My partner and I tried both roles. She was miserable the morning after bottoming. I liked it. So, I became the bottom. However, the role did some funny things to me. After a few days of our new, more intense relationship I found myself easily upset. I came close to tantrums over small things. I was constantly unhappy that I wasn’t getting enough attention, spankings, etc. I was sinking into depression. The play itself was great fun. My partner was a wonderful top. Her IQ was over 180 and she applied her intelligence to her role. We both read everything we could find and tried a wide variety of activities. Sounds perfect, right?
From the top/bottom perspective it was. But it was seriously affecting my mental health. After a few months we parted (we had been living together). While I really missed the play, I was no longer depressed. My next top/bottom relationship was with two women. One topped me and the other bottomed to me. This is the ultimate switch sccenario. I loved it. Who wouldn’t? It was my first chance to top consistently. My bottoming was limited to sessions we would arrange. The rest of the time the three of us were equals.
After that, I realized that my mental health was much better when I topped. Since I didn’t want to give up BDSM, I elected to be a top. I became active in the New York leather community and evolved into a teacher and leader, and for a decade owned a 24/7 submissive/slave. All in all, I topped for over twenty years. During that time I had a few opportunities to bottom at various events. A famous BDSM author and I switched at alternate events. It was great fun.
The 24/7 dominant role was wearing on me. It became a huge emotional drain. I became less and less interested in providing the master role. We parted after 10 years. I missed her terribly, but was also relieved. I met Mrs. Lion about this time. I was convinced I wanted to bottom again. The need was very strong. I worried about the emotional consequences but decided that in one way or another I needed the play. So, I introduced poor, vanilla Mrs. Lion to the world of spanking, dildos, bondage, and cock and ball torture.
She was great. Over a very short time she learned to play at a very advanced level. I loved every second of it. Our relationship, however, evolved with me providing much of the leadership. I paid the bills and made (with consultation) most of the major decisions. This seemed to suit us both quite well. I’ve written about my difficulty with initiating sex. This created distance that eventually ended our play and most of our sexual contact.
I realized that I really needed the play we once had. I need to feel the physical/sexual control that we enjoyed early on. Mrs. Lion admitted that she really missed the sex we had and her libido had effectively shut down (she’s written about that here). We still loved each other most of all. We do everything together and our care for each other has just grown. The sexual issues did no damage to our relationship. That in itself is pretty amazing, but it’s true. That’s what made it safe for me to introduce the idea of forced male chastity.
Even while functioning as a full-time master, I felt a strong attraction to chastity devices. I started a web site to review these devices. Manufacturers provided me with samples of products. My slave rolled her eyes at my two or three day “test” periods, but she accepted them with good nature. Had I found one that I could truly wear full time without making major life changes, I might have needed to find a new relationship.
So, in January 2014 I discovered that amazon.com sold inexpensive Chinese chastity devices. This renewed my interest and I ordered a few. Most were surprisingly wearable. So, in early February I asked Mrs. Lion how she felt about being my keyholder. She agreed and you can read the resulting adventures here.
Early on I realized that I wanted some degree of control and discipline. I also worried that the old depression could accompany this change. I decided that with three decades of topping and occasionally bottoming under my belt, I should be better equipped to deal with any emotional issues that come up. I didn’t discuss this concern with Mrs. Lion. In fact, I didn’t even think about it consciously until this week.
What started me on this trip down emotional memory lane was what Mrs. Lion calls my “grumbly” attitude. After about four days of denial, I get grumbly and whine a bit about my condition. Today is my fifth day and last night I was grumbly. I felt neglected. It’s true that since my last orgasm (Friday, June 13) she hasn’t really teased me or paid any sexual attention to me. My whining was slightly justified. She told me that she was just feeling a bit overwhelmed with household and work duties. I also think she hasn’t been sleeping too well and that affected her too. I wondered if I was falling back into my former bottoming depression.
I don’t think I am. Mrs. Lion informed me that she planned to end my grumbles tonight. I asked her not to. She has other attention planned for me. She said she will “manscape” me; remove any pubic hair that has grown in and spank me. She isn’t promising to keep hands off my penis. I’m glad. I would love some teasing, well lots of teasing. I just want to wait to see what I feel.
The biggest difference between then and now is that I don’t feel the irrational urgency that swept over me regardless of how much we played. Now, I am happy that we do play and any grumbliness that creeps into my personality is limited to attention to my penis. From a practical perspective, I do hope we can do our anal play more regularly. I would like to be pegged, but that requires me to relearn how to accept what Mrs. Lion chooses to penetrate me. I would also love to try a double dildo we have (see photo). It is anatomically designed to stimulate the woman while she has the other end deep inside me. I would love to make Mrs. Lion come by pegging me. Am I still greedy for more play? Oh yes! Does that greed take over my life and depress me? Nope, not so far; and I hope never. Stay tuned.