So Lion has been grumpy lately because I’m making him wait again. It’s true. He gets to about the fourth day and then he starts to whine. And because I haven’t actually touched him since I wrestled him into the Chinese cage, he told me that if I don’t even touch him he will lose interest. Ha! That certainly doesn’t seem to be the case. I reminded him that it was his own fault. If he hadn’t asked to be caged he would be free to do whatever he wanted. Grumble, grumble. Then he said maybe the whole thing had been a mistake. He does have a knack for making me feel guilty.
But two things he said made a lot of sense to me and started me thinking that maybe a lot of what applies to him also applies to me. I think a big part of the reason I lost interest in sex was because he couldn’t initiate. I’m not blaming it all on him. I could have explained myself better at the time. I guess I didn’t really understand it myself. In a post the other day, he said he was unable to get hard, in part, because I don’t talk to him or spank him beforehand to get him turned on. I completely understand that. When he does initiate, he sort of dives in and goes for gold without any preliminaries.
Some weeks ago I gave Lion a homework assignment. The question: If I said I wanted you to make love to me, what would you do? The only hint I gave him was that it didn’t have to start with dinner or flowers. I meant the actual act. There was no right or wrong answer. I was just looking to see how his idea compared with my idea. It turns out we weren’t too far off. The thing is, when I think of sex, that’s what I’m looking for. I think what he’s looking for is playtime ending in orgasm, or a denied orgasm now that he’s caged. Two different goals.
And what I realized last night as he was fingering me, is that it may be possible for me to have a ruined orgasm and continue to have them. It was weird. There was the build-up and the start and then something happened that just stopped it. Then another build-up, another start and another stop. And so on. It’s never happened before. I don’t know why it happened last night. He didn’t seem to do anything differently. I don’t know what I could have told him to do that would have taken it all the way. Maybe it was because he hasn’t touched me in a few days. Maybe it was stress. I don’t know. It did feel good but not as good as it usually does. Probably better than his ruined orgasms.
We’ll just have to keep experimenting and see if it happens again. I’m up for it!
I never meant for you to feel guilty. I was just grumbling. It’s my fourth day blues. I want you to be happy and satisfied and enjoy frustrating me.
I will always feel guilty when you don’t get what you want, even if it really is what you want.
We need to work on that. I want you to deny me, control me, and discipline me. I really want it to be fun for you. A recent post you wrote talked about how you find my grumbling funny. I was so glad. Did that change? Denying me (up to a point – LOL) is what I really want. Being able to whine and grumble just makes it more interesting.
One key thing about power exchange is that if you do what I want, I have the power. Sometimes it’s fine to oblige, but in general you are the boss. I love that you allow me input, but I don’t want to decide. Make sense?
It makes perfect sense. So I’ll decide if you have an orgasm tonight whether you want to wait or not.
Yes, Ma’am! Thank you.
You folks are so real, a far cry from most of the stuff around, as Lion mentioned in his earlier post. I love reading y’all’s stuff!!
Thank you so much! I figured it might be dull compared to all the hot sex stuff on other sites.
This post reminded me of a question I wanted to ask the Lioness as an outside observer and commenter.
I see every so often a Key Holder lament that she’s not sure she’s going the right thing when she pushes towards a limit, recieves a lot of push back from her caged male, or is just unsure that what she’s doing is “Right” because how it seems to make the man feel. Really this question is more generic than just to Female Lead Relationships, or Chastity and I suppose I could just as easily ask Lion as a Dominant. But at the moment I’m more curious what you, Lady Lioness, thinks.
The pushback usually comes from, say, the suggestion of Pegging for the first time. He’s caged, she wants to try it, and he says “Please no.” Now he could be just saying that as part of the game, and he might be quite earnest in that even though pegging wasn’t set as a limit, he sees it as one in that moment.
Which do you feel is better to hear from a third party? Is it more helpful to be encouraged with “You know him best” and “You’re in charge, you must follow your instinct” or to be cautioned such as “are you sure?” and “It’s best to take it slow and not do too much too quickly?” Now I assume that if someone is posting about their thoughts on Tumblr, a blog, or a forum that they’re opening themselves to comments, suggestions and such.
And I’m always very conflicted on this. I’ve been active on forums where the ONLY acceptable answer was “You are the Man and she is your wife and so you MUST do what you feel is best.” It was usually coupled with a “spank her until she remembers that she agreed to this and there is no going back unless you say so”. I believe I also read “if she tells you she’s done with spankings, hold her down and read for something sturdy. She’ll eventually learn that she’s not allowed to be done.” That experience left me very prone to caution.
But I also know how challenging it can be as a Dominant to not second guess yourself. I know the surge of energy when in charge of the moment, and I know that doubt that the choices I’m making are the right choices for everyone involved. It helps to have someone encourage you to remind me, for example, that I actually have a pretty good sense of fairness and balance and that usually things work out pretty well.
I’m curious as to your thoughts as to which is more helpful to receive.
Lion is more likely to come up with suggestions of things he wants done to him than I am to come up with suggestions of things to do to him. My ideas are usually extensions of what we already do (i.e. the nasty velcro on his cock rather than a boring old rope). If it is something new we usually discuss it beforehand. I think, since playing is not essential to me, if Lion said he didn’t want to be spanked anymore, we just wouldn’t do it. There’s no way I would force him. As he’s said, he doesn’t willfully misbehave. I only have the power because he has given it to me.
I doubt that answers your question. I just don’t see myself as a top the way others see themselves as tops. Maybe Lion can give a better answer.
I think it all comes down to consent. Mrs. Lion is often too concerned about what I want. As she has said in the past, she does the topping because I want to be topped, not because she necessarily wants to do it. In that context, it makes sense to top me the way I want to be topped. This is complicated by the fact that I don’t feel topped if I am controlling what my top does.
This paradox is what causes us the most difficulty in our play. I prefer one-time consent. If Mrs. Lion wants to know if I want a kind of play, say velcro on my penis and I agree, then that agreement is irrevocable. I don’t want the ability to change my mind. That way, Mrs. Lion gets to confirm a practice and I lose control.
Eventually, I hope that Mrs. Lion will just decide to do things to me on her own without explicit consent. She knows my limits and she also uses good sense. I trust her to take the control I want her to have. I think she needs the time to build her confidence.
She doesn’t see herself the way others see themselves as tops because she is what we used to call a “baby top”. She is still learning what works for her and for me and has yet to build the confidence to be a secure top. Take it from me, she is well on her way.
Oh from what I’ve read I totally agree she is. It’s a slow process but a few times she’s hinted at that “… so I did what I thought he wanted and WOW it was kinda fun!”
I appreciate the thoughtful responses, if they’re still tangential to my own internal question and debate. I’m trying to think about a specific but it is hard to nail down specifically because you two are going slow and the Lioness is taking her cues directly from you rather than blazing ahead with a “I’ve got his KEY! mUAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAAAAA ~cough~” attitude.
I tend to default into a cautious tone mostly because I fear the age of the internet has also ushered in the era of the echo chamber, where it’s far too easy to be surrounded with confirming opinions when what we could sometimes use is a challenge or two.
Not that you two need it, generally, though I do love the chance to advocate for the devil….
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