I had a fun Saturday night. Maybe Mrs. Lion did too. She began by using her hand on my penis. It felt very good. She did this for a little while. I stayed hard and was very interested. Oh yeah! Then she said, “I miss sucking you.”

Being a generous guy, I said, “You can do that anytime you want.”

“We’re doing the handjob experiment.”

“I’m fine with you doing something else.” See, I told you I’m generous.

Mrs. Lion got up and moved to the other side of the bed. I didn’t need an engraved invitation to turn around so that my body was across the bed. Then, she began sucking my cock.

It felt very good. Lately, I can’t tell if my excitement will peak or if it will stay at a pleasant plateau. After a while, I felt myself winding up for the pitch. Oh yeah, the volcano was getting ready to erupt. Mrs. Lion knew too. Just when I felt ready to explode, Mrs. Lion stopped. She waited a few seconds and sucked some more. She got me to the edge several times.  Then, she said, “Are you broken?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

I stayed hard but didn’t feel an eruption brewing. I guess she broke me. I told her that I wasn’t going to get anywhere. She stopped. It was the most fun I had in ages. I want to say that I am back and that it will be easy to edge me going forward. Experience has taught me that I am unpredictable. If she tries again tonight (Sunday), I may be “stuck” again. On the other hand, maybe I won’t. It’s a crapshoot.

Recently, Mrs. Lion has explained that she hasn’t teased or tortured me because I fell asleep. I suppose that sometimes I do take a cat nap after dinner. My naps rarely last more than half an hour. I don’t know why Mrs. Lion sees this as a signal that we can’t have sexual fun. The logical explanation is that she isn’t very interested and uses my cat nap to signal that I’m not interested either.

The problem for me is that I have no control over these naps. Most of the time, I’m not even aware that I slept. The only immediate clue I get is that the TV show that was on when I fell asleep had ended. It’s like a slice of time has disappeared from my life. When I wake up, I am no different than I was before I fell asleep. My libido is just as active or inactive. I’ve discussed this with Mrs. Lion. Each time we talk about it, she ignores my naps for a while. Then, she goes back to blaming them for no action.

I think the real story is that she isn’t all that interested. It’s a purely altruistic act on her part. There is absolutely nothing in it for her. On Friday night, I had imposed on her by asking her to drive me 25 miles to pick up my glasses. We didn’t get home until 8:30. By the time we ate the takeout we got, it was after 9. About an hour after we ate, I fell asleep for 20 minutes. By then, I was sure Mrs. Lion wasn’t in the mood.

Of course, she’s never in the mood. Sex is over for her. I’m lucky she makes an effort to provide a release for me. Beggars can’t be choosers. Lately, it feels like there is a wall between our beds. I know she loves me. I don’t think she likes physical contact with me very much. I’ve noticed that I initiate any touching we do outside of sex. This makes me sad.

Maybe it is time to stop expecting contact, sexual or otherwise. Perhaps I have to either give up sex or find release another way.

[Mrs. Lion — I should have made it clear that I was tired after picking up Lion’s glasses. We both snoozed for a bit in the afternoon. And he didn’t impose on me to drive him. I’ll drive him anywhere he wants to go, anytime he wants to go. As far as the wall between our beds is concerned, sure the napping comes into play, but I’ve also been feeling like Lion just lays there. When I move over to snuggle and play with my weenie, he does nothing. Just lays there. It feels like the old stereotype of the woman laying there while the husband “does his business” and gets off her. I’m not sure what I want him to do, but turning off the TV or acknowledging me other than the obvious erection would go a long way.]

Maybe I’ll ask Mrs. Lion to ride me on my birthday. It’s been 1,293 days since the last time I was ridden. I’m not sure how well it will work out if she decides to try. Since she doesn’t get any sexual pleasure from it, as I recall, the experience isn’t the same as when she wanted an orgasm. Part of the problem is the amount of lube she used last time. Less may be more in this situation.

Fucking was never my number one sexual activity. I always liked oral sex better–both giving and getting. I haven’t felt deprived these last 1,293 days. If that sounds like a long time, the last time I jerked off was 2,427 days ago. (Don’t you love Google? Just type in a date and ask how long ago it was.) I don’t miss jerking off. It was never very entertaining. I do miss giving my lioness orgasms by riding me (cowgirl style). After she had her orgasm, she would turn around (reverse cowgirl) and ride me until I came. It’s nearly impossible for me to come when Mrs. Lion fucks me in the cowgirl position.

It may be that I’m past being ridden. I’m not sure that I wouldn’t exhaust Mrs. Lion before I finished. In the old days, much of the time, she would ride me cowgirl style until she came. Then she would dismount and finish me with her hand. That was big fun too. This was before sex stopped meaning regular orgasms for me.

I still worry that I broke my lioness. She wanted me to initiate sex, and I failed miserably at that. She took the lead because I didn’t. Later, after we began male chastity, she wrote about how important it was for me to initiate. I can’t help but wonder if my inability to do this didn’t turn her off to sex.

Male chastity was made for me. I’ve always found it nearly impossible to take the lead sexually. I don’t know why. I haven’t been rejected much in my life. It’s just how I’m wired. Anyway, Mrs. Lion always complains that it’s hard to get me presents. Maybe this gift suggestion will help.

After almost three decades of BDSM, I thought I understood something as basic as spanking. Before being with Mrs. Lion, I must have spanked 100 women and had been spanked by ten. None of the spankings were punishment. They were part of the BDSM play. Based on my experience as a bottom, spankings affected me in a predictable pattern.

First, each swat would sting sharply. I wanted to escape. After a while, the pain would dull. At some point, it would become tolerable, even enjoyable in an odd way. Most spankings started with a hand and progressed to a leather or wood paddle. I rarely felt any lasting effects.

Spanking changed when Mrs. Lion began punishing me. She used paddles. They were selected from my collection for their ability to inflict the most pain. Over time, she learned which paddles stung and made my bottom red and which ones would bruise me and hurt for days. She discovered tender spots inside my crack and on my perineum. She didn’t worry about drawing blood. I bleed as well as get blisters when beaten.

She learned to make the experience miserable for me. I can hear her saying, “You wanted it. You got it.”

Yup, I did. (note the past tense). Predictably, when the pain became horrible and the sexual thrill was gone, I questioned why I subjected myself to this suffering. Of course, the answer is simple: It isn’t my choice. I may have started the ball rolling, even encouraged Mrs. Lion from time to time, but I don’t control how often or how vigorously I get spanked. Spanking is punishment.

Now that the punishment is meaningful (translation: I hate every second of it), I’m forced to come to terms that I am subject to punishment, not some BDSM role play. This realization has come slowly. It’s very similar to Mrs. Lion learning to punish me for annoying her.

It turns out that a light doesn’t just come on, and I realize that I am actually subject to real discipline. It’s a gradual process. As long as Mrs. Lion consistently punishes me, I think that realization will grow until I fully understand my role. Both of us have been learning. It turns out Mrs. Lion’s role is active. She learns to observe and punish. Mine is passive. I have to learn to unconditionally accept her will and retribution when I displease her. The better she gets, the more challenging it is for me.