A week has gone by since my last orgasm and the last time I got hard. That’s not Mrs. Lion’s fault. We snuggled the last couple of nights, and she fooled around with my penis. Most of that activity was rubbing her thumb over the head. I don’t like that. I guess she does. It didn’t matter. I just wasn’t in the mood for sex. She’s taken to asking me if I want her to set up the massage table. I can’t see myself saying yes. I know she is tired and not all that interested in using her energy that way.
Maybe that’s the real issue. I’m depressed about affection. We don’t kiss unless it’s part of a ritual. A long time ago, she joked that I had to “pay” when she put in my eye drops. The toll was two kisses. Of course, I agreed. I love kissing her. Aside from those kisses, all we do is hold hands. Snuggling is code for sex. That’s purely for my benefit. I can’t remember the last time there was a spontaneous hug or kiss.
She only comes into my office to bring me a 10 AM cup of coffee. We kiss then. This is true even on weekends. We are almost never in the same room. Part of it may be the way she feels about her body. Mrs. Lion has gained quite a bit of weight. It’s enough to interfere with sex, but not prevent it. The weight gain may be due to her depression and the drugs she takes for it.
I get it. If she can’t feel good about herself, she can’t feel that good about us. I’m no help. My vision continues to deteriorate. She has to do almost everything around the house. The only times she laughs is when she finds something funny on Facebook. These changes have been very gradual. Of course, I notice them.
They even show up in her posts. Everything she writes about me are descriptions of what she did to me or will do to me. Or, she writes about how difficult things are for her. I’m the object of her writing, not the subject of her affection. This is getting to me. I have lots of other examples of deterioration in our relationship. No good is served by listing them.
I’m pretty sure that on some level, she feels it too. I think that she feels the same way. Maybe giving me sex is her way of compensating. I’ve long thought it is. Don’t get me wrong. I love the attention. It also makes me sad. I don’t think there are two people in the world who love each other more than we do. That’s what makes it so much harder for me.
This isn’t what you expect to read from a sex blogger. I hesitated to write about such deep feelings here. Maybe it’s a mistake. Thank you for listening.