I planned on writing about how kinks like ours can fade away and leave a sad void. Our bed (and spanking bench) hasn’t had any activity for the last couple of weeks. I have been feeling down and not too interested in BDSM or sex. Mrs. Lion was more than willing to follow my lead. On Sunday, she decided to get out the butt plug. She picked up the lube and plug and walked to my side of the bed. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was a businesslike request to present my rear end. I told her that I would rather not. She walked away. [Mrs. Lion — I walked away because Lion said the dog’s nails needed to be cut and that pissed me off because it was like he was nagging me.]
This is pretty much how things have been going. I tried to talk about it with her later that evening. I explained that BDSM and one-way sex wasn’t fun unless she had a good time too. I’ve learned that even one-way sex requires both people to want it. Mrs. Lion may not want sex for herself, but getting me off just because I want sex loses its luster after a while. Sure, she gives amazing head. I love how it feels. But I don’t like being on her list of chores.
For example, on Sunday, when I demurred from the butt plug, Mrs. Lion said, “OK, I’ll go trim the dog’s nails.”
Yup, cross lion sex play off the list and move to the next item. That doesn’t feel good to me. Worse yet, after her shower, she said, “I had an idea in the shower. You should consider sex the ‘bonus round.’ You know, like on TV, it’s when the contestant goes for the big prize.”
I get it. Being last on the chore list means it’s the best chore. Maybe I’m too sensitive, but that hurt. [Mrs. Lion — I thought he’d like being considered the big prize of the night. I would.]
I suppose it’s natural for things to devolve this way. Mrs. Lion just doesn’t get aroused. Sex for me isn’t sex for her. If I give her an orgasm, she doesn’t like it. Yes, she can have orgasms. She doesn’t want them. The point is that there is a giant disconnect. She’s my wife and the love of my life. Sex without joy feels bad to me. Since she lost interest in sex, she’s never kissed me when she decides to get me off. She kisses me when she puts drops in my eyes. We agreed that would be a nice thing to do. She kisses me when she is leaving (I kiss her too, of course). We kiss at odd moments. Our lips don’t touch before, during, or after sex for me. [Mrs. Lion — I reminded Lion that we never really kissed a lot during sex, but I do caress him and kiss my weenie, if he’s available, when I do his eye drops.]
That sends a message that sex and, for that matter, BDSM aren’t expressions of love. Affection is missing. Impersonally plugging my ass isn’t an act of love. I suppose I could pretend we are doing role play, and she is the impersonal mistress. That only works if she is actively playing that role. Sticking a butt plug up my ass as the chore to do before grooming the dog doesn’t turn me on.
It’s 100% true that Mrs. Lion does these things because she loves me. I understand that. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make them fun for me. She is a quiet person. I recognize that gets in her way. The thing is that I have reached the point when I would rather have nothing than impersonal sex.
This brings up a difficult question. What does Mrs. Lion need to do if she wants to change this? I’ve given this a lot of thought. When we were new to domestic discipline, she let me know when I broke a rule. She smiled and told me what I had done and what I had come. Sure, that was how we trained ourselves when we started. It was fun too. The rules weren’t for serious problems. Her reaction to my slip-ups let me know she liked what we were doing. The spankings certainly hurt just as much, but still…
Sex was fun too. She didn’t want anything for herself, but she wanted sex with me. She talked with me about it before, during, and after. She laughed and showed amusement when I humped air or grunted in exasperation when she edged me. We were both doing it. It was hot, and it was fun. She appeared to enjoy locking me in a male chastity device and would make comments about my locked state between sessions. And she kissed me. She kissed my lips and the head of my cock. Affection was always there, even during spankings. I got lots of “Poor Lion’s” and, “I wouldn’t have to do this if you behaved.” It was both humiliating and affectionate. She wasn’t just a spanking machine. She seemed to be having fun.
On Sunday, I stopped updating our whiteboard with days since my last orgasm. Mrs. Lion asked me why I stopped. I told her that I saw no point. This morning I noticed that she had posted the number of days. She didn’t comment until I mentioned it in an email to her. It was a great move, but why do it without a word to me. It ruined the value to me. [Mrs. Lion — I thought he’d like knowing his wait time is still important to me.]
I’ve learned that there is a lot more to all this than teasing and spanking. Well, actually I knew that all along. I figured Mrs. Lion did too. We’ve discussed this subject endlessly. She always says she will do better. I know she wants to. I don’t think she’s found her voice. There has to be some pleasure in this for her. She wouldn’t have kept it up all these years. She’s inconsistent about other chores but usually remembers dealing with me. I am always spanked if I miss setting up the coffee pot. Always. That’s something significant. Too bad she never says a word when I forget. She silently gets the spanking bench out and tells me to get on it. No words other than that. [Mrs. Lion — I tell him when he forgets the coffee pot. I usually tell him if he didn’t misbehave he wouldn’t be getting spanked. I’ve explained to Lion that I need to remain distant when I spank him (or any other mean task) because I can’t do it if I let myself feel anything. It wouldn’t be a very effective spanking if I allowed his yelps to sway me.]
I don’t mean to be ungrateful. Mrs. Lion works very hard to make my life better. I appreciate all of her efforts. This post isn’t meant as a complaint. It’s my explanation of why I gave up. Mrs. Lion, you don’t have to do any of this to keep me loving you more than anything. I’m yours for life.