Sometimes I have no idea what I’m doing. Sometimes I have no idea what Lion wants. When those two things overlap, I’m in trouble. I was thinking about this last night when things didn’t go as planned, again.
For some reason, Lion didn’t put the football game on right away. We had plans to eat our leftover Olive Garden food. I stopped on the way home to get salad stuff. I made the salad, heated the leftovers, and he didn’t turn the game on until I asked. Apparently, we got our signals crossed. Ridiculous, I know. We’re always on the same page, especially lately. (She says sarcastically.)
It was late when the game was done. I told Lion I’d wait till we were done playing to take a shower. At halftime, I’d tried to insert the nJoy butt plug. It hurt too much to go in. We haven’t done butt stuff for a while, so that seemed reasonable. When I started snuggling, he said he didn’t think we were going to get very far. It was late. Okay. We just watched our team lose a game they could have won, so I understood. I went off to do the dishes and take a shower.
I started thinking about Lion’s post for this morning. He says I don’t give him attention because I don’t want attention for myself. That may be part of it. Another part of it is that he doesn’t seem to participate when I do give him attention. Huh? He gets an erection. He (sometimes) gets to the edge. He has orgasms. What more do I want? How is he not participating? Sheesh!
I’ve said before how his reactions to me are similar to the wife who just lays there and lets the husband do his thing and get it over with. I mean, I know he’s aroused. It’s difficult to hide an erection. But unless I ask if he likes a certain thing, I don’t know. Occasionally I get a purr or an “oh.” Generally, it’s radio silence. I’m not sure I was ever all that vocal either, but I did try to touch him to let him know I was alive and well. If he were licking me, I’d run my hands through his hair or grab his arm.
Even when we snuggle, I don’t get much. Aside from the fact that I’m leaning against him, he doesn’t do anything to touch me. I know he wouldn’t try to turn me on, but some encouragement would be nice. He never was good at initiating, and now that I don’t want sex, coupled with the fact that I’m in charge and he doesn’t feel like he should initiate, it’s all left up to me.
As I’m thinking about last night, I realize that maybe he wasn’t putting the game on because he wanted to play before we watched. Maybe he thought we’d pause the game at some point. How would I know what he was thinking? Yes, he’s said we could pause the TV any time I want. But at that moment, last night, how would I know that’s what he was thinking? He says he doesn’t initiate because he doesn’t want to be turned down. He’s turned me down from time to time. How is that different? Even back when I still wanted sex, he’d turn me down sometimes. You can’t always expect to be on the same page. We don’t even seem to be in the same chapter. Sometimes, not even the same book.