Not Looking Forward To Tonight

Friday has arrived all too soon. I won’t go on whining about spending the weekend in diapers. I will say that I am absolutely not happy about it. Mrs. Lion pointed out in her post yesterday that I hate most of the painful and humiliating things she does to me while I am getting them. She went on to say that I am even unhappier if these things aren’t done to me.

I can understand my unhappiness when the activity causes me more pain than I want to take. Lioness 2.0 makes a point of assuring the pain goes well past what I want. It makes perfect sense that I am unhappy when this happens. Wearing a diaper — wet or dry — doesn’t hurt. It’s uncomfortable. I can’t claim that I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone. But I hate it anyway. I dislike inconvenience. There! I’ve said it.

Mrs. Lion also said that I am very unhappy if she stops doing all these things to me. Apparently, I need to suffer and be humiliated. A masochist gets off on his own suffering. I don’t. But yet, when we didn’t play, I wasn’t a happy camper.

When I was a top, I needed to bottom sometimes. The need was visceral. If too much time went by with me only topping, I became unhappy. A nice bottoming scene restored my good humor. I get that. It’s Yin/Yang of BDSM. Very few of the tops I’ve known would live happily without regular opportunities to be on the receiving end.

Fair enough.

I’ve been exclusively a bottom as long as I’ve been with Mrs. Lion. I like that. Of course, I know how to top. I’ve taught hundreds of workshop on topping technique. l don’t want to do it. This is a different “don’t want to do it” than not wanting to wear a wet diaper or get my butt blistered. In the case of my reluctance to look forward to being tortured, I know I need to suffer. It’s a deep need I don’t really understand.

The power dynamic we have confuses both of us. Mrs. Lion never had the desire to be a disciplining wife. Now that she is, she still says she doesn’t really enjoy hurting me. But she also says that our power exchange has deepened and improved our relationship. I agree and I also have no clue why this is true.

I’m just very grateful it works.