Mrs. Lion’s post yesterday predicted my punishment for interrupting her Saturday night. That prediction was realized yesterday. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about how my kitchen spanking and the promise of another spanking yesterday affected me.
The kitchen spanking on Saturday was painful and not particularly welcomed. I wasn’t hard and I didn’t expect the swatting in this setting. That, of course, is perfectly OK. The spanking wasn’t for my amusement. It was punishment for carelessly getting food on my sweatshirt at lunch. I didn’t feel any sexual twinges on Saturday as a result of being punished. Again, that’s fine.
Here’s where it gets weird. I got aroused reading about my planned punishment for last night. Yes, it’s true that the idea of being spanked is erotic to me. But on Saturday, I knew I was going to be paddled. I wasn’t in the least bit aroused. When I interrupted on Saturday night and was told I would be spanked, no arousal.
That’s two occasions in that many days when the promise of a spanking wasn’t a turn on. I’m not claiming it should be; don’t get me wrong. But then on Sunday, when reading about my upcoming punishment I did get aroused, I was surprised.
In the past, when Mrs. Lion has been active disciplining me, my interest in sex always increases. I know there is a connection between her control and my sexual desire. The connection isn’t as simple as me getting hard when I’m about to be punished, though that happens now and then. There’s no doubt that erection or not, her consistent application of strict discipline is something I need.
This is rooted deeply in my psyche. I’m sure that some would say it comes from my childhood and lack of parental supervision. Maybe. But I suspect this is much more deeply rooted in who I am. I can’t deny this need. I’ve known about it for most of my life. Though, until my thirties, I had no idea how to articulate it. Sometimes, I imagined being spanked. That was hot. But I had no language for what was boiling under the surface.
Only when I had a chance to experience it for the first time, did I realize this was like food, even air to me. It wasn’t that extreme. I was able to live without it for many years both before and after experiencing it. Now, with Mrs. Lion, I clearly see how important it is to me. The importance is articulated in my level of sexual interest. I think it is for most guys who share my need. It’s troubling to me that this sexual interest isn’t consistent. Promise of a spanking or other exercise of wifely power may or may not turn me on consciously. But I can’t deny its powerful effect on me beneath my consciousness.
I can’t help but wonder why I am inconsistent in terms of physically reacting to the disciplinary process. I’ve read of examples where the male gets hard before each and every spanking. The erection disappears fast enough after the spanking starts, but it is there like the overture to a Broadway show, before the curtain goes up.
It’s difficult for me to acknowledge how much I need this. I can’t label it as being submissive. That’s not my personality. It’s not masochism. I don’t like pain enough. But it is something. If nothing else, it’s part of who I am. I have to embrace it and openly acknowledge it. I don’t want to change. I may be embarrassed by being this way, but it’s who I am. I’m grateful Mrs. Lion accepts this part of me.