Monday June 2 2014) A comment to a post by Mrs. Lion wondered why the chastity device is needed at all. The writer observed that obedience, chastity, discipline were all just as possible without locking up the male’s penis. It’s a fair observation. Prior to being locked up I didn’t have a problem running around and having sex with random women. My cage isn’t required to keep me from having sex with others. It isn’t really needed to prevent me from masturbating. As Mrs. Lion pointed out, my wedding ring isn’t what keeps me married. If I take it off, nothing changes.
At least for me, being locked into my cage makes a big difference. It doesn’t change my behavior directly, but it changes things profoundly. Without the cage, I won‘t masturbate or have sex with other women. With the cage, I can’t. Before, I chose to be faithful. Now I have no choice. From a pure behavioral perspective, nothing is different. But for me it is a big change. For example, prior to being caged I enjoyed seeing a nice female butt. I felt no impulse to act but I admit it was nice to admire. Now that I am caged, I may look out of habit but don’t get that warm feeling. I think it is because before I knew it was possible to do more than look; not that I would do more than that, but it was possible. Now I know it is impossible. Sorta takes the fun out of it.
This is all irrational. But as Mrs. Lion pointed out, so is wearing a wedding ring. The cage is just more emphatic. I think the cage changes Mrs. Lion too. She knows that I have no chance to use my penis for more than peeing. She has learned that she has total control over my sex life. In fact, she did before, but that was because I chose to give that to her. Now, she has taken it. Over the months of my lockup she has also realized that the cage is hers. I have given up the choice of when I will and won’t wear it. We are both settling in to our roles.
So, if I no longer wear my cage would all this change? It might not, but neither of us want me to stop wearing it. Just like our wedding rings, the cage is a symbol of our power exchange. Unlike the wedding ring, I can’t take it off and as long as the cage is locked around my penis, I can’t use it for any sexual purpose. As Mrs. Lion said, I am trusting her with my favorite toy. There is nothing symbolic about the fact that she has complete control over my ability to enjoy sex. I can’t use my cock for anything except peeing. That is a big change.
I can kind of relate to what your saying. Before I was locked up, when I would look at porn I would just about instantly become turned on and physically hard. Since I’ve been wearing my cage I still look at porn. In the beginning I would still try to get hard, only to have my cage restrict it. Then about after about a month I started to notice I wasn’t getting erect at all while looking at porn. Then I also noticed like you, I was starting to not really look at other women on the street the same way I used to. It used to be that I would see a woman with a nice behind and think “Damn, what I’d do to that ass”. Then I might become physically excited. Now it’s become more of a “She’s got a nice butt.” Then that’s the end of it. It’s kind of a mind blowing transformation when you think about it. As a male your genetically programed to procreate with as many females as possible. As a married man, or a man in a committed relationship, you fight those urges because you love your partner and want to stay faithful. As a caged man however, it almost seems as if those genetic urges disappear. It seriously blew my mind when I first started to notice. Glad to know it’s not just me.
What I think conflates this all is the reality vs the fantasy vs the practicalities. It reminds me a little of thoughts I had after Mrs. Lion mused on where she’d keep the keys for the cage while you were on the trip and if it was a Bad Thing ™ to have the key to the cage “accessible” to you while you were out and about travelling. (aside: I think her worries were much ado about nothing given that she didn’t strong arm nor blackmail you into the cage, ergo you want to be in said cage and having accessible keys won’t change that).
But that also plays into some level of non-consent fantasy that goes along with what I’m seeing as a trend among Male Chastity participants. It was touched on in your post about the solid but swapping you received last (or the previous) night. (aside: I’m sure you’ve thought of this but if you haven’t be aware of where you are traveling and your volumes. It won’t take much for a concerned hotel guest to think someone is being abused and call the police. Likewise, it’s my understanding, that some state laws have been interpreted such that consensual assault is not possible. That is to say all BDSM impact play must be held out-of-state to avoid legal problems, or that is my understanding for the otherwise quite liberal state of Massachusetts.)
But asides aside, I think that the cage itself is just a stronger tool towards the commitment you already have with the wedding band in that removing it is significantly harder to do without notice and thus potential consequence. If you really wanted the cage off, there is little Mrs. Lion could do (legally or ethically) to stop you. You could, really at any time, say “I want this off” and by doing so she is obligated to respect your removal of consent. Legally speaking refusing to do so, or using her buzzer button to convince you to stop asking, would be a crime (or at least I’m 90% sure it would be). Granted there are “rules” to when the bottom/ sub tries to end a Power Exchange relationship, but at the end of all of those rules there is (I assume) always a total escape clause. If someone really doesn’t want to do something, then I think we can agree it’s wrong to make them.
Unless you’re 6 and there is pasta casserole on your plate. Then you’re eating it because it’s what Dad made, dangit, and NO you can’t just have a hot-dog instead.
So I think you do yourself a disservice. You totally ~can~ have your cage off and you totally ~can~ masturbate at will. But you continue to ~choose~ not to. You continue to choose to deny yourself. And as such the act of not lusting after another woman is really a matter of “Will Not” rather that “Can Not”. The only difference I see is that you’ve added a layer of complexity to your choice.
And as always, apologies for overly rambling. If nothing else I severely lack fresh places to visit with other kinky people and happy kinky couples are some of my favorite peoples (given that my beloved wife is a bit tragic in her vanilla-ness).
In absolute terms, I can always ask to have my cage off and under normal circumstances that would be that. However, we have a consensual top/bottom relationship which includes my agreement that I surrender the right to make the decision to uncage myself. I can ask and Mrs. Lion can agree or not. That is within our agreement. This sort of agreement is pretty standard in power exchange relationships. It’s there because at times I can be cranky or petulant or just pissed and want the cage off. Had I been calmer and more rational, I wouldn’t really want that. So, we agreed that once I surrender control over something to her, she keeps it and I can’t simply opt out. Since she loves me, I know she will always take my needs and wishes into account, but she does really have the power.
Is that legal? As far as I know it is untested in any court. Even in states where consensual violence is illegal, I don’t think there have been any tests of this. The use of these statutes are generally to give the law another weapon against domestic violence, not to police consensual S/M.
I suggest that you read my posts in the context I created them. Put very simply, I can’t get unlocked at will. Mrs. Lion can shock me for demanding it. Why? Because we agreed to conduct our power exchange that way. Interpreting my post in a different context doesn’t make a lot of sense. Consensual has a special meaning in the world of top/bottom. Consent is given once and then can only be revoked by agreement. This approach exists to make the power exchange real. If Mrs. Lion could only make me do things or do things to me when I want, then I would have the control; not her.
Please don’t misunderstand. I’ve studied PE relationships and BDSM quite a bit and had the honor (and horror) of interacting with a variety of couples in a variety of variations of dynamics. And not to be too much of a buzzkill I’ve corresponded with a few submissives who were, sadly, literally beat into submission. In some of the cases, sadly, the group actively encouraged the use of punishment to counter earnest requests to end a relationship or to establish limits.
In short, the submissive says “I do not wish to do X because I feel it too degrading, too humiliating and I do not consent.” And the answer from the Dominant was to punish until the limit was removed. It’s always been my understanding that in a healthy PE relationship the submissive sets the limits and the Dominant freely moves within them.
I completely and totally respect that you and Mrs. Lion have entered into a true PE relationship and that she has complete control and power. That is the ideal.
But, and this was my point, it still remains consensual. You say it requires agreement to end it. I think we’re splitting hairs because, being honest, if you were to look at Mrs. Lion and say “no, I cannot do this any more, this needs to end and it needs to end now” would she really say no? And if she were to refuse, what does that say in her trust of your honesty? Would you ever, really, make such a request, point blank, with a clear head?
Again, please don’t misunderstand, I’m not talking about the cranky, petulant, I don’t want to be spanked tonight, kind of “no”. I’m talking about the foot down, I’m serious, the game is over, I want out and I freaking mean it, kind of no.
As to the aside to the legality? I’ll politely counter that I also know of no cases where “She didn’t use her safeword” was a successful defense of domestic abuse.
And on the hotel thing: Pre-911 I was detained by local law enforcement with the rest of my ROTC Drill Team for over an hour because we were practicing our Drill and Ceremonies drill in the parking lot of our hotel the night before a competition. A “helpful” desk clerk called them in and it was decidedly unfun. I’d hate to see you guys end up in the same cuffs. Those cuffs hurt.
Back on point I think you and I are splitting hairs, though, on the consent issue which does play to my point about the power of the Will vs the Can.
Yes it would be difficult to get out of the cage. It would change the nature of your relationship to pull a Safeword-Level-Hard-Stop. It would have significant consequences. That’s just how it is. But you still choose to not use your safeword, you still choose to endure, and you still choose to wear the cage.
Is it that I’m shining too much of a light back-stage on it all?
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