By:
In: Femdom, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity
woman spanking naked man
One consequence of being a bottom is that yours can become pink for breaking a rule.

While I have been active in the leather community for decades, it was generally as a top. My forays into bottoming were two or three hour play sessions. Non of that prepared me for my current situation. Now that I have been caged, I find myself as a full-time bottom. I’ve written about this before, but not so personally. In my fantasies my keyholder made rules for me to follow, spanked me if I didn’t do as I should, and generally acted as my erotic goddess. I knew full well that if I asked to embark on forced male chastity that it would never be like that.

The reality has been much more difficult than I imagined. First of all, Mrs. Lion had no real idea what forced chastity was about. You could argue that I had no idea either when we started. I had worn devices for a few days at a time, so I at least understood the mechanics. I had my fantasies and I had my years of experience as a top. So, I was ahead of the game in that sense. I did know how it should be played.

There is a lot of difference between knowing and doing. The hardest lesson for me so far is for me to stop telling Mrs. Lion what I want. This is commonly called topping from the bottom. It can range from the obvious, “I like it better when you spank me this way.” to  subtle requests for attention. I was saying, “I’m horny.” way more often than I should. After realizing that I may be topping from the bottom, I figured the best move was to stop asking at all. That way, at least, I wouldn’t be topping.

This phase lasted a week or so. I mentioned to Mrs. Lion that I was avoiding signalling that I was horny. Her response surprised me. She said, “Why?”

I told her that I thought it was a form of topping. She pointed out that just because I said I wanted sex didn’t mean she would give it to me. She left me with the impression that as long as I didn’t make a pest of myself, she liked hearing if my sexual temperature was rising. Lesson learned. Don’t assume you are a good boy just because you shut up.

If you’ve been reading here, you know that I have some practical knowledge about effective physical topping. At the same time I stopped giving my sexual weather report, I also stopped making suggestions. Again, I was reminded that just because I have a bright idea doesn’t mean that Mrs. Lion will adopt it. Some of my ideas are getting adopted. One of them: a remote controlled doggy shock collar was really intriguing.

I talked about it with Mrs.Lion. We discussed what she could do with it. Then the subject dropped. On Sunday she said that she had been thinking. She hates when I interrupt her. She thought that the shocks would be a good way to train me not to do it. I agreed and ordered a shock collar for us. The collar arrives today. Since I ordered it Sunday,  I’ve had some time to consider the folly of my suggestions. This training tool has the potential to actually change my behavior. It won’t be pleasant for me and it will require me to change as my keyholder wishes.

That is a sobering thought. It’s what brought me to write on this topic. It’s one thing to be a good boy and get a nice spanking when naughty. The spanking takes preparation and work on the part of my keyholder. The shock collar just requires a press of a button to correct me. No erotic undressing, no assuming the position, no lengthy discipline ritual; just Zap no matter where I am and what I am wearing. Discipline is instant and unpleasant. As I think about it, that is exactly what discipline should be.  That doesn’t mean that I am looking forward to this new form of lion control. Well, maybe I am. It is exciting to contemplate. I have a feeling that my next post on this subject might have a different tone. It may turn into one of those things I hate while they happen, but get hard thinking about it afterward.

By:
In: Male Chastity
lion and lioness being loving
Sometimes the chastity has to be put aside and just love one another.

In a way it’s ironic that when you finally get what you want, it can turn out to take away something you need. This is the theme of the “deal with the devil” stories. The hero makes a deal with the devil for wealth or women (or men for that matter), and then gets sick or loses other precious parts of his life. The moral, of course, is that we have so much more than we realize that when we replace it with something we think want more. I suspect that something similar can happen with forced male chastity.

It makes sense to me. Being locked up and feeling my keyholder’s control has been something I have wanted for a long time. It hasn’t been that Mrs. Lion has been unwilling and finally relented. It has been something inside me that stopped me from trying. I can’t explain why I decided finally to try chastity for real, but some switch inside me flipped and I did. Now I have been locked up a few months and have settled in to my new role. My lioness has become more and more actively using her authority. It should be perfect, right?

I have to admit that in many ways it is. I am getting what I wanted. I am also learning that it’s not as easy to surrender as I thought. I’m not making it as easy as I should for my keyholder. In some  ways forced chastity has improved our relationship. It has forced us to talk about needs we both have. Communication has improved. So, in that respect this is certainly not a deal with the devil.

But there is a hidden loss.  It’s the very necessary man/woman relating as lovers and friends that can disappear into the forced chastity power exchange. While chastity power exchange is by definition, intimate, it isn’t the same intimacy as lying in each others arms and just feeling the love you share. Years ago I was in a power exchange relationship as a full time top. I loved my bottom. That was the problem. If we were to have a full time top/bottom relationship, where was the room for love as equals?

It’s obvious then that all we have to do is make some time for this important expression of our love. Obvious but not easy. Some couples, when they come to this conclusion, actually schedule time for this. That goes against what most of us like to believe about love. We like to think it is spontaneous and need no planning. This is where the deal with the devil takes its bite out of us. In a relationship where we have added a power exchange, we have effectively removed the bottom’s ability to spontaneously initiate affectionate lovemaking.

Ok, that possibility does exist now, but not in the minds of many caged men. We are learning that sex (and in most men’s minds that also equates to affection) should be under the control of our keyholders. On the other hand, our keyholders value spontaneous affection more than planned encounters. There’s the rub. Many women consider affection initiated by their partners to be more meaningful than affection they initiate. Caged males believe that initiating affection breaks the rules of their chastity. So we get our beloved power exchange but apparently have to trade it for a loss to our relationships. The classic deal with the devil.

If this loss isn’t dealt with, one of two things will happen: the chastity will end due to the loss of emotional connection, or the relationship will end for the same reason. I don’t want either outcome. What it means to me is that I have to talk about this with my keyholder. I have to work with her to find a way to take breaks from our chastity lifestyle and return for a few hours to our vanilla relationship. We need to do this regularly. I, particularly, have to realize that my keyholder is paying a price for my chastity and I have to make sure that I give back what she needs to be happy with me, us, and forced male chastity.

By:
In: Lion's Journal

There are still times when I feel like I’m doing things because Lion wants them. And then there are times when I’m doing them because I want to. Hence the title.

The biggest thing that has come out of Lion’s caging is communication. Many of our problems were the result of my saying the sky is blue, for example, but not specifying the shade of blue. And poor Lion is doing his best to guess but never quite hitting the mark. Once we figured this out, I’ve been trying harder to tell him that I mean cerulean rather than teal. He’s not a mind reader and I was getting mad at him because of it. Stupid Mrs. Lion.

I’ve been trying to reintroduce old rules, along with modifying some of them, and to introduce new rules. For example, Lion has a habit of dropping ice cubes when he fills his glass from the ice maker. Under the old rule he received swats when he dropped ice. He also has a habit of dropping food either on the table or on himself. So the modified rule is that he gets swats when he drops any kind of food. Last night he dropped some rice on the table and two ice cubes. Three swats for Lion. However, he brought home Krispy Kreme donuts so I deducted a swat for his thoughtfulness. Lion also has a habit of interrupting me. I hate that. It’s like he’s telling me that what he has to say is more important. So a new rule is that he gets swats for interrupting. Soon he will get a shock, thanks to our new shock collar.

Several years ago, I decided that I couldn’t really understand what it was like to be a top if I didn’t understand what it was like to be a bottom. Lion was very nervous. He was afraid I would like being a bottom and never want to top him. He needn’t have worried. I don’t understand being a bottom any more than I understand being a top. But I know I don’t want to have my nipples pinched (even if he only did it in his sleep once). And I don’t mind a little love tap on my behind but I am not interested in anything more than that. So I guess understanding what he wants is not a prerequisite to doing what he wants. Knowing that he will do almost anything I ask (eating raisins is a definite deal breaker) because he loves me is all I need because I love him.

By:
In: Keyholder101, Lion's Journal
high heel boots
Topping is all about power exchange. The keyholder demonstrates to the caged male that she is the boss.

Very often your caged male wants much more than simple sex deprivation. He also wants discipline and control. I have written about this before, but one area seems to cause confusion for new keyholders: discipline for what? Occasionally there is real behavior modification that a keyholder wants to make in her caged male’s behavior. It can range from inattention to argumentativeness. Normally, a primarily sexual activity like forced chastity is the wrong place to correct these issues, but in some cases it will work. In the  majority of cases there isn’t a problem that needs correction, yet your male wants you to demonstrate your control over him. He might suggest rules, making him wait to orgasm, etc. But it probably isn’t particularly helpful and may create more anxiety for you.

In a way, this problem goes to the heart of being a top. So instead of considering what he wants, let’s look at how topping can work. I come to this knowledge honestly. I was a top for thirty  years before I decided I wanted to switch. For the record, this happens a lot in the leather community. People migrate from one role to the other from time to time. Anyway, whether it’s forced chastity or BDSM, topping is one side of a power exchange. Your caged male is the bottom. He has given you power over him: overtly sexual power. The trouble is that power exchange doesn’t happen unless it is exercised. Simply locking him up is one act, but you haven’t demonstrated any control. Chances are very good that even if he doesn’t mention it, he wants you to show him you are in charge. He wants rules and discipline!

So how do you do this to a male who you love and who already treats you really well? Let’s explore our options. You want to pick things that don’t force you to micromanage his life. Take it from me, it gets old fast if your bottom is constantly pestering you with requests for permission. You will probably get tired of constantly inspecting the outcome of his chores. So what to do? Consider easy stuff. Does he always put dirty clothes in the hamper? Does he put down the toilet seat? Make those punishable offenses. Spank him and/or extend his lock up time for offenses. You are now satisfying his need to bottom. You can also enforce sexual rules. Do you want him inside you so you can orgasm but not to come himself? If he has an “accident” punish him with a sound spanking. Put him in a rubber penis sleeve next time to discourage his bad behavior.

I’m sure you see the theme. You may have seen some posts about humiliation. There is an  aspect to the caged male’s psyche that defies most women’s comprehension: we like some humiliation. Making a man accept a spanking on his bare bottom appears humiliating to some keyholders, but it turns on pretty much every man. Making him perform tricks for you, dance for you, account for why he forgot to do something can feel belittling to the top. Yet, it is a graphic demonstration of your control of him.

Most new tops feel that they are doing all this because their males want it. It’s true, but it certainly not what we want to believe. We want to believe that our tops are making us wait to come, spanking us, making us do things because it what they want. It isn’t much fun if we think you are spanking us or making us wait to come because you know we want it. We want it to appear that you own it. At some point you probably will own it and learn to love the power and even the gentle humiliation. In the meantime for this to work, we need to believe you do. One good way to exercise power and still basically fulfill your bottom’s needs is to almost give him what he wants. Since my keyholder reads this, I should be careful what I say next. Oh well, here goes.

In my case I never wanted to have to wait for a long time between orgasms. I want the control and discipline. However, I have given my keyholder an easy opportunity to make me feel her control. If we settle on a regular pattern of releases, say two or three a week (I know that is a lot to many, but that has been our pattern), varying that arbitrarily shows my keyholder’s power. Making me wait just because she wants me to is a very strong demonstration. As Mrs. Lion has been showing me, also doing it very frequently whether or not I am in the mood is also equally effective.

The point to topping is the regular demonstration of control. It’s about modifying the bottom’s behavior to suit your wishes; or more realistically, changing his behavior in a way that makes him believe you are doing it because you want him to change. The last thing I want to talk about is conditioning. As people who have studied behavioral psychology will tell you, conditioning is a very powerful way to change behavior. It can be amusing for you and not harmful for him to use conditioning in your repertoire of topping tools.

One area is evolving his behavior so he ends up doing something that he would have never believed he would do. This conditioning is gradual. For example, you decide you want him to do a sexy striptease any time you tell him. He finds that too embarrassing to consider and refuses. At that point, you would just spank him till he does it. That would satisfy the discipline area, but not quite what we want here. Instead, you sneak up on him. Maybe start by telling him that when he gets home from work he has to undress completely while you watch. Take your time and let him make this a habit. It could take a week or two. When he is completely comfortable giving you this show, add some music and ask him to move with the music while he does it. It will be a disaster at first, but praise him when he does a good move. He will be stripping happily to music in no time. The key is to never give up on what you decide he should do. Just pick which direction to approach making the change. Do  you discipline if he doesn’t or do you appear to agree not to make him do it and then work out a gradual approach that will end up with  him doing just what you wanted.

Sound like fun? I hope so. Even if it isn’t at first, this is the essence of a sexual power exchange. You could end up loving it. You won’t know until you give it a fair chance.