One benefit that some keyholders get from having a caged male is amusement. I have to admit it is funny to see me jump a bit. especially in public, when lioness zaps me (low setting) with my collar. I was checking out at Home Depot, happily scanning our purchases, when all of a sudden ZAP! It didn’t really hurt but it was startling. I glared at her, then I realized it was kind of funny. I had to smile too. A bit later, over lunch, she said that she liked my reaction a lot, even my glare. I have to admit it is exactly what I wanted to experience.
Being amusing is another aspect of lost control that I hadn’t really considered three months ago when we started. I don’t think either of us did. But when something like my zap at Home Depot happens and she laughs at my expense, it doesn’t feel like I am being humiliated or embarrassed. Partly, this is because I know that she was the only one who noticed and partly because it gently reminded me that I had no choice. As I mentioned yesterday, the loss of control is a double edged sword. In this case I was amusing, not because I wanted to make her laugh, but because she could make me do things that amuse her.
This may sound like a small thing. Maybe it is, but it sent a strong message to me; one that I had never received before. That remote control moves things out of the bedroom and totally out of my control. I know I keep talking about that. The reason is that I have come to understand that a big reason I wanted to be caged was that I wanted to surrender sexual control. I wanted to experience that. I thought I did from the beginning. I haven’t been able to masturbate in three months now. That’s the longest I’ve gone in my life. I know, big deal!
It’s taken this long to have some of the reality sink in. That reality is what I wanted all this time, but didn’t know it. I think that is the epiphany that marks the end of my third month in the cage. I am starting to understand what surrendering control really is. It’s taken this long because my keyholder and I had to find our voices. For me it was surrender; allowing things to just happen because I have no control. I have no control, sexually that is. What a powerful sentence. Of course for me to have no sexual control, my keyholder must accept that she has that control.
Even though a lot of guys lock themselves up and play games to get this sense of lost control, the real game is played by two. After all, you can’t surrender to yourself. You can’t surrender to someone who won’t accept that surrender, and you shouldn’t surrender to someone who will use your vulnerability against you. My keyholder would never do that. I may be an amusing lion, but I am also a lucky one.