Rare And Exotic Creatures
Enforced chastity is a very rare kink. If it weren’t for the Internet, we would never find anyone else interested in it. I’ve been thinking about why this is so. The answer turns out to be obvious. Enforced chastity is a power exchange that is full time. Most BDSM (I hate that abbreviation, but people online understand it) is practiced in sessions. A top and bottom negotiate at a party or elsewhere, then for a period of time, generally an hour or two, engage in the power exchange. When it ends, both go back to their normal, vanilla lives.
This is generally easy for people to manage. The problems start to multiply when the activity goes full time. When that happens, the power exchange has to be integrated with all the other stuff in day-to-day living. That can be tricky. Enforced chastity is one kink that is fairly easy to integrate. As long as the device is undetectable and reasonably comfortable, all other normal activity can go on while the male is unable to enjoy sexual stimulation. Simple, right?
Well, no. I don’t know of any guy who just wants his cock locked up and then at some point released to ejaculate. It just doesn’t make sense for most of us. The chastity device is a symbol of our sexual submission; it isn’t the submission itself. If it were, there would be no need for keyholders. Guys with this inclination could lock up their cocks and at some interval unlock to jerk off. People do that. But it isn’t what most want. What we want is an active keyholder who will keep us acutely feeling our sexual submission. We want a power exchange, not a piece of steel jewelry.
It’s like the difference between marriage and a one-night hookup. Both generally include sex, but the marriage involves emotional investment that goes far beyond sex. The same is true for enforced chastity. It can be practiced alone or with a distant or disinterested keyholder. But it isn’t what we want. I’m lucky. Mrs. Lion is a very active keyholder who almost daily unlocks and frustrates me. She does things to keep me constantly aware of my submission and willing to do most anything for a chance to ejaculate. What a woman!
This is the ideal I think. Single men who want to experience enforced chastity can be an extremely vulnerable group who can be easily exploited. Their desire to experience the power exchange can become desperate. They will pay for a short e-books purported to be written by a “mistress” who will teach their nonexistent keyholder how to dominate them. The books feed the fantasy at a cost. Another way this group is parted with money is remote keyholders. These people (they say they are female, but who can tell on the Internet) charge a fee to receive the key to the chastity device. They also may get chastity “homework” from the remote keyholder. There is usually a charge for this. I don’t think that it is unfair to charge for these services. After all, they represent work that is being done to help people realize a fantasy. It’s a needed sexual service that is being filled thanks to these people.
A lot of people do part time enforced chastity. Lockup is restricted to a weekend here and there or some other schedule that meets the needs of the people involved. This is the enforced chastity equivalent of “scenes” in the BDSM world. This is much easier to do than the 24/7 variety. It isn’t that people who practice full time enforced chastity are better or more special than others. It’s just that we are few and far between. Many have this fantasy but few are ready to truly live it.
That’s why there are so few of us. Committing to a power exchange isn’t easy to do. It requires a lot of trust and even more communication. Over time these full-time power exchanges evolve to match the particular wants and needs of the people in them. That’s why when you read blogs written by people who have been doing this for a while, you will find very different perspectives. On this blog you can keep up with the way Mrs. Lion and I are growing in our power exchange. Thanks for reading.
Poor Lion Butt
As Lion said, as I’ve said more than once, I’m not a very social person. It takes me forever to get comfortable with people. I’m not a girly girl. I’m not rough and tumble enough anymore to be a tomboy. I don’t care about fashion. I don’t care about drinking. I don’t fit in. I am extremely uncomfortable in social situations. Lion is not all that social either but he can fake it better than I can, especially when he’s interested in a specific topic. When he says it would be fun to have a weekend of parties and workshops, the first thing I think of is where I can hide. The second thing is that I’ll help set up and then I’ll stay right over here in the corner. But I know I’d be right there beside Lion, doing my best to fit in.
So all that pretty much leaves me out on my own when it comes to figuring things out. I can ask questions, but ultimately it all boils down to doing what works best for us. Trial and error I can do. Brute force is sort of my middle name. Try and try again and again and again. We’ve been fairly successful as long as we give things enough of a chance to work or make a change when we realize it’s not working a particular way. Then it just falls to me to be consistent. Another of my shortcomings. (Why does Lion put up with me?)
I see no problem trying things Lion wants to try. He’s not topping from the bottom if I decide we can try it. He obviously gives this a lot more thought than I do. I have my random bursts of ideas like Velcro and the tiny clothes pins, but for the most part, it’s all him. And I’m fine with that. I’m not sure he’s fine with that. He always worries he’s pushing me into things. If it’s something I really don’t want to do, we don’t do it. It’s not like I can’t say no.
Last night we were talking about the old days, when I was first learning to top him. As I was lightly swatting his balls I told him in the past he said I could hit harder than I was last night. He said he was younger then. I said he was just out of practice and I’d get those old balls back into shape. I was only hitting him as hard as I did the first time I spanked him, which was pathetic. I’m surprised he felt it at all. It’s a wonder he wanted to continue seeing me. He said he was grateful I even tried and look at me now. I guess you can teach an old lioness new tricks. I bet sometimes now he’s sorry he encouraged me to hit so hard. Poor Lion butt. [Lion – I am still grateful and very happy to have found Mrs. Lion]
The Community Of Keyholders And Disciplining Wives
Both Mrs. Lion and I are tired too much of the time. We are both sleeping poorly. I’m not sure why, but it does make things a little harder. I’ve noticed that the vast majority of writing about enforced chastity and FLM (Female Led Marriage – I hate when acronyms are used without reference) is either about the submissive partner regardless of whether the post is written by the guy or his dominant partner.
This focus is a bit concerning to me. There is a ton of “how-to” information but little how-to-be out there. For most keyholders and disciplining wives, the authoritive role isn’t something taught since childhood. In most cases, the male suggests initiating the power exchange. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it does leave the dominant partner without a community of similar women and very little information on how to assume this role.
In many cases, most of the information on how to be a keyholder or disciplining wife comes from the male asking for this control. His view is likely to be colored by his fantasies about what he requested. Chances are very good he has no real life experience to draw upon. Some people hit Google and try to research enforced chastity or FLM/FLR. There is a lot of stuff out there. How much of it represents useful information for the dominant partner? I’m not in the best position to judge, but based on my reading, there isn’t a lot out there.
Successful keyholders and disciplining wives, if they write at all, tend to discuss current events in their homes. The narratives are very interesting and fun to read, but do they address the fundamental questions a woman new to all this wants to ask? I’ve seen one or two efforts to set up “courses” for new keyholders and dominant women. What I’ve seen so far doesn’t really address what I’m talking about.
In the BDSM world, there are a lot of very good books that offer sensible advice for new tops and bottoms. The Topping Book by Janet Hardy is a light, informative guide to being a top. It isn’t directly relevant to the lifestyle power exchanges I’m talking about, but it is a time-tested resource that might be helpful.
There are a few “books” by various “mistresses” claiming to instruct keyholders on how to run an enforced-chastity relationship. I haven’t read them all of course. The ones I have tend to be very prescriptive about the “right” way to do things. Compare these to the Topping Book and you will see why I am not fond of them.
I don’t think a new keyholder or disciplining wife needs a how-to. Her partner is more than able to get her started on that. What I think she needs is help on how to think about this power exchange; how to process not what her partner wants, but what he needs. I know that Mrs. Lion gets frustrated by this difference. She generally starts by giving me what I say I want. In the beginning, when I discovered it is not as much fun as I thought it would be, she used to stop doing it. After all, according to her, she is doing all this stuff because I want it.
That makes sense in the context of enforced chastity as something to make me happy. The problem for her was that when she stopped doing something I didn’t like, I was unhappy about that too. This seems completely irrational. Perhaps it is. But if she had the benefit of better information coming from other women in a similar situation, she might have gotten a different perspective. I’ve come to realize that what works best for me is when I feel that I have no control at all.
For example, on Sunday Mrs. Lion put two, very painful, small clothespins on the head of my penis. That hurt terribly. I begged her to remove them. Eventually she did. She might conclude that this activity is something I would rather not experience very often. I’m not a masochist; at least I don’t think I am. But when I thought about it, I realized that this is something that makes me painfully aware I am not in control. It’s something that I think I should “learn” to take for her. So, I asked her to continue and help me get used to have two and then more there as long as she wishes. Is this something she “should” do? From my perspective it is. Since it is “play” I don’t think that a request like this impinges on her authority.
But, how do we know? More importantly, who can Mrs. Lion ask if she has questions about our power exchange? I know there are people out there who would be willing to help, but I am pretty sure Mrs. Lion would feel uncomfortable trusting them. I don’t know if she would be comfortable confiding with anyone online. She is a very private lioness. She may need to discover her path on her own. I’m fine with that. I just wish it were easier to develop a real community around our interests. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a weekend with parties and workshops?
Ideas
As you’ve read, Lion’s weenie had nasty clothes pins on it yesterday. I know he hates those. They are evil. We played with them a long time ago then stopped. Occasionally I threaten him with them, like the Icy Hot, but I haven’t used them. I don’t know what made me bring them out again. Maybe it’s because, despite all my talk of playing with Lion, I really didn’t have a plan. The only thing I was sure of was the butt plug. I wanted to see if the vibrator had any effect when I applied it directly to the plug. It didn’t seem to, but we’ll try again.
Lion did ask for another shot at the tiny clothes pins. When we first started playing, and my spanking was so anemic he hardly felt it, he assured me that smacking his balls was perfectly fine. He was able to take a hit fairly well and, of course, I was always careful not to hit too hard. Lately, any ball smacks are very painful to him. I tell him he has wimpy balls now and vow to bring them back to their fighting shape. I guess I have to do the same with the tiny clothes pins. He never was able to take many of them, but now he seems to want a ring around the head of his cock. If you’re silly enough to ask for that, Lion, then I’m silly enough to try it. They really are evil little things. They may not look like much, but they do hurt.
Lion also wants to be trained to get aroused when he has a butt plug inserted. Ultimately he’d like to get aroused by a play spanking too. I have to admit I had one of my what-do-I-have-to-do-to-make-him-happy moments when I read that. The answer to that question is that he is happy, but he’s always looking for the next thing. Maybe it will work. Maybe it won’t. But he needs to try. So we’ll try. And we’ll try the next thing he comes up with. And the next. And so on. We’ll also try the next thing I come up with. I’d like to know if vibrating the butt plug does anything for him. He’s not the only one who can come up with ways to torture him.
