As we discussed in Part 1, dominating or topping your husband is about providing a service, wish fulfillment. He is turned on by the idea of your dominating him sexually. This is a very common wish that has nothing to do with his masculinity. He thinks it would be hot if you take charge during a scene.
We talked about the scene being a time-limited session where you act as his “dom” or “mistress.” We suggested a simple exercise to begin exploring your power exchange. You didn’t assume any fantasy role. You took charge being yourself. Since you are reading this second step, I assume that he had fun.
Before we go any further, please understand that all of this is aimed at satisfying your partner’s desire. It isn’t about mutual enjoyment. Topping (the word I prefer for the activities a “dom ” does) is a gift or a service that you perform for his pleasure. If you have fun, too, that’s a bonus, but it isn’t what this is about. Now you see why women charge money to do this.
playing a role
We’ve established that topping doesn’t require you to change your personality. It’s about providing a service during a “scene” that has a beginning and an end. During the scene, you are acting, playing a role. Exactly what role that turns out to be is up to both of you.
Have you ever acted in a play? If you have, you know that you assume the persona of a character and perform lines written by the playwright. Topping is like that. You are assuming the persona of a dominant woman. You are performing for an audience of one. Your job is to move your audience; make him feel your character and his relationship to her.
How you do this depends on what feels right for you, and, more importantly, what gets his motor running. You want to make him believe that the character you are playing is real and has replaced you, his loving partner.
Who is this new woman? What does she say and do? It takes time and experimentation to find out. Bottoms, the word I prefer for “subs” are often difficult sources of information about who they want to top them. Top personas fit into a small group of categories:
- Heartless Bitch She objectifies her bottom. She treats him like a disposable object. She likes to see him suffer. Humiliating him is fun for her. If she is spanking him, she pretends not to care how much she is hurting him. She says things like, “Let me see you cry like the baby you are.” She laughs when she watches him jerk off for her.
- Mommy This is a very popular fantasy role. She wants her “boy” to be well-behaved. She sadly punishes him when he is naughty. Depending on his particular needs, she can put him in diapers or make him wear little boy clothes. She might soap his mouth for swearing. After she punishes him, she will cuddle him and tell him that he was a good boy. In a mommy scene, sex is usually supervised masturbation.
- Demanding Wife She is you with a healthy dose of testosterone. She is the boss and demands obedience at all times. She expects her husband to do anything to please her. She punishes him to assure he is subservient and submissive. Demanding wives give harsh spankings followed by sessions of hubandly appreciation for her efforts to correct him. Demanding wives get a lot of oral attention from their husbands. His sex, if he gets any, is by supervised masturbation or handjobs. If the demanding wife wants a penis, he will wear a strap-on to satisfy her. Demanding wives sometimes require their husbands to wear women’s underwear.
Those three roles broadly satisfy most male submission fantasies. There are variations, of course. A man may have a babysitter or big sister fantasy. That’s just another version of the mommy persona. The key takeaway is that you are playing a role for an audience of one. The more completely you throw yourself into the role, the more fun he will have.
a new definition of fun
A good actor can move her audience to tears or laughter. People love to cry during sad movies or plays. They are having fun. The same is true of your role with your partner. You are bringing a fantasy to life. A spanking with a hairbrush or paddle is supposed to hurt. It might even make him cry. He could end up with a bruised bottom that hurts for days. Five stars to you for that performance. He had fun. If you don’t believe me, ask him the day after a scene. Ask him if he wants you to do it again. If he says yes, then you know he had fun.
We have been trained our entire lives that it is wrong to hurt someone. We are also taught that people who want to be hurt are sick. Those lessons are correct in most cases. Nonconsensual hurting is wrong and illegal. People who want to be injured need help. Consensual pain play is not wrong; it’s a service to the person who wants to experience it. A bruised bottom isn’t an injury to worry about.
It takes effort to be a good actor. In a scene, you have to assume the role you have chosen. You also have to remember that what you are doing is fun for your partner. He wants to feel the scene you are performing. He knows it’s going to hurt, be embarrassing, and frustrating. He signed up for that. You are providing a loving service.
Next time, we’ll talk about how you can be creatively mean.