lion tied spread-eagle to the bed

In our first two conversations, we’ve talked about what it means when someone asks to be topped and how to adopt a dominant role. The idea is to provide wish fulfillment. Your partner wants to give up control to you. We agreed that this could be done in a controlled way. This domination would be strictly defined and time-bounded.

We also established that you aren’t expected to change your personality. You are agreeing to play a role to top your partner. In Part 1 we suggested an exercise that allowed you both to experience how it feels to take/give-up control. It established that the process is sexually arousing to the male half of the equation. We also made it clear that many women are not turned on by topping their husbands. For the record, I was never turned on when I was the top. Topping is a service for the bottom.

OK, that catches us up. It’s time to consider how to construct scenes that he will like. Most bottoms want to experience some pain as part of their scenes. It’s not that they like being hurt–though some love it. It’s that being helpless while someone hurts you is a powerful expression of a power exchange. Also, when done right, the pain turns into pleasure.

The first step is bondage. There’s no getting around it; nothing turns on a bottom like being tied down. Being naked and helpless, tied to the bed, is a powerful aphrodisiac. Don’t believe me? Look at his penis when you tie him down. It’s at attention. No matter. Ignore it. Besides, you will be tying him face down on the bed. He’ll be disappointed. Too bad.

leather paddle
Leather fraternity paddle. Meaner looking than it feels.

Spanking is the safest form of sensation play. As long as you confine your attention to the area south of his tailbone and north of his knees, you are in safe territory. A leather paddle is an excellent beginner’s toy. The ability to handle pain is very subjective and changes as a scene progresses. In the beginning, fairly soft swats will elicit yelps of pain. No, he isn’t faking. The swats are a shock to his system. You should always start with relatively soft swats, but not too soft. You want him to react.

He will hate those first painful little swats. Take advantage of his discomfort and remind him that he wants you to top him. Ask him if he wants you to stop. Remind him that he has a safeword (mine is “red”). He’ll ask you to continue. In your sweetest voice, tell him that it’s going to hurt a lot more. Ask him if he’s ready.

The point of this dialogue is to add the extra humiliation of having him admit that he wants you to hurt him. You are underlining his desire to submit. Then, continue the beating. Keep swatting harder and faster as he gets used to the spanking. His hormones are flowing and make him numb. Ideally, you want to push just past the numbness and make him feel your swats. It won’t take long before he will seem to enjoy your spanking.

That’s good. You aren’t punishing him. Keep going at the level that seems to be what he likes. His bottom will turn bright red. Of course, you don’t want to injure him, but a leather paddle is more likely to sting than bruise. When you are done, rub his bottom and tell him he is a good boy. If he is one of the lucky guys who have a strong “sub space” hormonal reaction, he will be sleepy and relaxed. If he is, put a blanket over him and let him slowly return to earth. Otherwise, untie him and tie him up on his back. He will probably be soft.

If you are both new to BDSM, this is a good time to end the pain portion of the program. He should be reminded to thank you for spanking him. Make sure that he always does. If you feel like it, you can reward him for being a good boy and masturbate him. It’s always extra exciting to be jerked off when tied down. Since you are his top, you could feed him the semen that he produces. It’s a nice BDSM touch.

This is just one possibility. It’s a reliable way to run a scene, and very useful for beginning tops. You may have noticed that I didn’t suggest that you make him do something sexual for you. It isn’t a good idea to do that. The scene is for him. At a later time, he can show you his gratitude. In the context of the scene, jerking him off was a show of your power and control, not sex. Get it?

OK, Have fun. Here are links to the previous two posts on dominating your husband:

How To Dominate Your Husband: Part 1 — Getting Started

How To Dominate Your Husband — Part 2: Acting Class

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