I ended up spending most of Sunday in bed. I couldn’t seem to keep myself up and running. I got up long enough to help Mrs. Lion bake a blueberry pie. I had to go back to bed before I could help with the second one (we froze it). Mrs. Lion was tired too. She did a bunch of chores around the house. I didn’t get spanked.
It seems to me that there may be a strong psychological component to my loss of libido. When I wrote about spanking and its value in our marriage, I started to get turned on. It could be that my problem is rooted in a need that isn’t being met. There’s no blame to assign here. It’s probably just life getting in the way. I’m trying to figure out what I need.
When I wrote about Mrs. Lion becoming more interested in disciplining me, I found myself getting a little hard. The obvious observation is that I want/need to be spanked. Well, not exactly. It isn’t that simple. Mrs. Lion doesn’t find spanking me fun. She doesn’t mind doing it, but it isn’t fun for her. It’s certainly not fun for me. But that’s not the point. What is?
The answer is deceptively simple. At least, I think it is. It’s the combination of control, rules, and consequences. Just as Spankardy is fun for us, more serious domestic discipline and the resulting punishments create a sort of sexual tension. It’s an extension of me being turned on by spanking. If I think about it, the turn-on isn’t feeling my bottom being beaten. It’s realizing that Mrs. Lion is in charge and is demonstrating her control with her paddles. That’s exciting.
For example, on Sunday, she wrote (“Patience“):
” I’ll give him another spanking today. Yes, I know I promised to spank him more often. I’m falling down on the job. Of course, I could argue that any spanking I give him is “more often” than no spanking at all, which is what he was getting before. And he probably deserves a punishment spanking because he’s been annoying me lately. What has he done? Nothing specific, really. It’s little things here and there that add up. We’ve been fairly snarky with each other lately.”
Reading that excited me a little. Part of that excitement came from knowing that a spanking was impending. Most of it was because Mrs. Lion was going to punish me for annoying her. Discipline! There’s an inherent drama in domestic discipline that comes from the combination of the power exchange and the physical punishments that result from correction. That’s exciting to think and write about; not so exciting to experience.
But wait, that’s not true. It’s the reality of a butt-bruising spanking that make this a high-stakes game. Sure, the offenses and punishments are real, but the game is part of it. Mrs. Lion has commented many times that she likes catching me breaking the rules. She doesn’t particularly like meting out the consequences, but accepts spanking me as part of the game.
BDSM was a fun thing we did
Since we started domestic discipline, we’ve pretty much abandoned BDSM play. Mrs. Lion never did much in that department anyway. Her activities as a top are generally limited to some CBT and, of course, spanking. She almost never uses our bondage equipment.
When I was locked in a male chastity device, Mrs. Lion teased me and got me off by masturbating me. After a while (about four years), handjobs stopped working. Mrs. Lion turned to oral sex. I’ve always loved that. That worked perfectly for a long time. Now, it doesn’t work. Nothing does. It isn’t her fault. It may be that I’m losing my ability to have an orgasm. Maybe my mind hasn’t caught up with my body.
I’m thinking that maybe I’m looking at all this the wrong way. We were both having a good time when Mrs. Lion enforced rules that I managed to break frequently. We both assumed that, aside from correcting my behavior, I was getting sexual value from being spanked. That’s probably true, but it may not be the greater benefit.
Perhaps the main benefit came from the disciplinary process itself. Sure, the most obvious aspect was my spankings. The reason I got spanked was because I did something wrong. It was a very active power exchange. I think that’s the missing link. There was something very exciting in a scary way when Mrs. Lion informed me that I was in “trouble.” That meant a punishment was forthcoming.
Earlier in our disciplinary marriage, punishments varied a little. Mrs. Lion either substituted or augmented spankings with mouth-soaping and corner time. She would often write about her plans in posts or emails to me. That worked for us.
it’s not all about me
I’ve been talking about what I need and what works for me. That’s unfair. Mrs. Lion is feeling a lot of stress. She wrote about it in the same post (Patience):
“My patience has been non-existent. I think it’s all part of not knowing how to offload stress.”
This is much more important than my libido. Her stress level is probably what keeps her from being more physical with me. Mrs. Lion tends to withdraw into herself when she is stressed or unhappy. One of my biggest reasons for wanting domestic discipline was to help her externalize and deal with things I do that bother her. I didn’t want her to withdraw or look elsewhere for what she needed.
I think I’m a big part of the stress she is feeling. She’s never been very good about putting things away and dealing with household stuff. Since I’ve become disabled, all of that falls on her shoulders. She has a problem with going at a problem in steps until it’s solved. So she sees the messy house and undone chores as a monstrous problem she has to solve now. At least, that’s how it looks to me.
The result is that she withdraws, and things get even worse. I get it. I feel the same way. The difference for me is that I feel helpless. I know that I can’t do most of what I need done. More stress for Mrs. Lion. Now, giving me sex is another stressor for her. I feel horrible enough about needing her to drive me places and do chores that should be mine. Adding sex to her burden seems very unfair. I’m sure that’s also part of my inability to orgasm.
We will find a way to solve these problems. I know that I will never give up trying to make her life better. She works very hard to keep me happy. We may be in a little trouble, but we love each other with all of our hearts.