It wasn’t Mrs. Lion’s fault that I didn’t want to be tied to the bed on Sunday night. When she started taking out the restraints, I didn’t feel particularly interested in sex. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t. Maybe I’m losing interest in sex. The way we do it, sex feels like an afterthought. At best, it’s just another activity in the day’s schedule. At worst, it’s forced and uncomfortable.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel this way. I think it’s because I represent 100 percent of sexual feelings and interests. When we were both interested, verbal and nonverbal currents would circulate when sex was in the air. You know, a few sexy words, a touch in a sensitive spot, a random kiss. Lots of these messages would pass between us in a single day. It was fun even when it didn’t result in sex. The desire to mate was the constant background music to our lives.
Now there is silence. We still kiss, but not nearly as often. There are no more little sexy touches or words. It isn’t that we love each other less. Our love is as strong as ever. The physical part has faded. Are we becoming that old couple sitting across at the kitchen table? We may be.
The lack of that background music may be why I find it so difficult to get aroused. It’s probably why I write so much about wanting BDSM or some other drawn-out foreplay. I miss all those little touches and kisses, the interest in me as a man. It’s true that Mrs. Lion and I are both rather reserved physically. We were never “touchy-feely” critters, but we did communicate nonverbally.
Mrs. Lion works from home, and we are together all of the time. The only time we kiss is when Mrs. Lion puts in my morning eye drops–we started that when she said she wanted to be “paid” for putting them in–and when she brings me a mid-morning cup of coffee. We talk throughout the day but not to express affection. There’s no touching either.
It’s fair to say that I should initiate it if I want it. I have a huge problem with that. Also, if it’s only about sex for me, and I am the one doing the touching and kissing, how does that help with this problem? Another way to look at all this is to say that my expectations don’t make sense given Mrs. Lion’s change. OK, that’s fair. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.
I used to get frustrated and grumpy about this. Now, I feel sad. There’s a very good chance that all of this, including her lack of interest in sex, is my fault. My shyness in initiating may be responsible for all of this. I can accept that. It doesn’t help me feel better. I still feel like one more chore on Mrs. Lion’s to-do list. [Mrs. Lion — The only chore is getting Lion to understand he isn’t a chore.]