Doesn’t good sex require both (or more) partners to have a good time? Sooner or later, WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) cuts in. It has nothing to do with selfishness. As animals, we are programmed to seek pleasurable activities. As humans, we balance that with more complex transactions. Money is a good example of a way to introduce multiple steps between giving and eventually receiving. Sex workers trade pleasure for money. The rest of us use a more subtle currency.
I’m not claiming that everything we do for someone else is part of a crass transaction. We will do things we don’t like just because we know it will make someone else happy. This is why Mrs. Lion does sexual things for me. My problem with this arrangement is that it’s like a rubber band. Each selfless act stretches it a bit more. At some point, it will get too difficult to stretch it further. Eventually, it will probably snap.
It’s been quite a few years since Mrs. Lion stopped wanting sex for herself. She continues to get me off. There are subtle signs that this particular rubber band is getting much harder to stretch. For some time now, activities involving me are the last things Mrs. Lion will do in a day. Sex, for me, is almost always her last chore before watching TV and playing on her iPad. Even punishing me is put off as late as possible.
It isn’t that she waits until I am naked and available. I am naked almost all the time. By the time she gets home from work, I am showered and ready. On weekends, I am always available. So, my readiness isn’t the issue. In fairness, Mrs. Lion wants to unwind from work, make dinner, and have her shower. I get that. But on weekends it doesn’t change. She can be home all day and spend her time playing games on her computer. She will wait until after dinner before any activity. Some nights, I snooze after dinner for a half hour or so. On those nights, there is seldom any sex later. I’m not complaining. Beggars can’t be choosers. Mrs. Lion tries hard to give me sexual fun with a little CBT before giving me oral sex.
I’m not saying all this to complain. The point I am making is that the pattern would be very different if Mrs. Lion wanted sex too. If she let me know she was horny, I could get her off. Before she lost interest, she rarely let me know. This is a communication issue we are still working on. I was not great at initiating. It’s probably my fault she lost interest. If she did let me know and she had great orgasms, there would be a strong incentive to keep me turned on and sexually interested.
That incentive wouldn’t turn her into a sex machine ready to jump my bones straight from the office. It would motivate her for more spontaneous sexual fun. WIIFM. The hornier I am, the more likely I will want to have sex. Duh! Now, if I am horny, it just means she will feel guilty for not satisfying me.
This isn’t her problem. It’s mine. I can’t initiate sex that might result in fun for me. It probably wouldn’t because I am only allowed to come when Mrs. Lion decides it’s time. But I would have fun satisfying her. It would be OK to ask for sex since it would result in something she wants. If I try now, I am pressuring her to expend energy on me solely for my pleasure. That’s selfish and greedy.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I believe it’s one reason I’m not as responsive as I have been in the past. Wanting sex and then feeling like a chore when I get it is difficult to overcome. I’ve stopped asking. I still change the numbers on our whiteboard, indicating how much time has gone by since my last orgasm. I wonder if that doesn’t put pressure on her too. Orgasm control is a game she plays because I want it. There is nothing at all in it for her. I’m starting to think that maybe it would be better to stop wanting her to give me orgasms. Maybe I should just do it myself when the pressure builds up too much. I don’t want that rubber band to snap.