Who’s In Charge Of This, Anyway

Probably the biggest misconception in the world of kinky sex is who is in charge. The general public assumes the so-called dominant partner calls the shots. After all, he or she — she in our case — makes the rules and holds the paddle. After all, it’s my bottom that gets spanked. Similarly, folks wonder how the poor man ended up with his penis locked in a cage. What horrible woman did this to him? Even some people who practice these things believe this. Well, not exactly; they convince themselves that the dominant partner is in charge.

Think about it for a minute, can that possibly be true? These oppressed creatures hold responsible jobs, travel freely in public, have bank accounts, and even vote, though some of them probably shouldn’t. That’s a different post. Obviously, unless their children are being held hostage, they aren’t compelled to live in degrading servitude. They want it.

Who do you think buys most of the paddles, whips, belts, restraints, and gags? Right, the people who they are used on. Men buy almost all male chastity devices, not the women who hold the keys. This all makes perfect sense. BDSM, male chastity and domestic discipline are all consensual activities. That means the lioness who bruises my poor, tender bottom does it with my permission. If I revoke that permission, it won’t hurt to sit down anymore.

Am I saying that Mrs. Lion has to ask me before she beats me? No, I’m not. Those of us who engage in these power exchanges aren’t that hypocritical. I am disciplined when I break a rule. I don’t want to be spanked when I do something wrong. Sometimes I want to be spanked when we are playing. After I break a rule, I promise you I don’t want to experience the retribution I have coming.

Didn’t you say it is consensual? If you don’t want a spanking, then Mrs. Lion doesn’t have your permission, right?

Ah-ha! It looks like you found a fallacy. If she needs my permission and I don’t want to be spanked, doesn’t that mean I didn’t agree? Nope. I don’t get to consent to each punishment. That’s not our agreement. I consented to let Mrs. Lion punish me when she thinks it is appropriate. I don’t even have to break a rule. She can also create any rule she wants me to follow and I have to obey or suffer the consequences.

What’s to prevent you from revoking your consent if you don’t like how you are being treated?

If I revoke my consent, the game stops. Mrs. Lion won’t be in charge. That’s no good. I asked her to take charge and punish me as needed. I may hate how much a spanking hurts. I may feel some of my rules are unfair. That’s too bad. If I want her to be in charge, I have to take the good with the bad. I can’t fine-tune my consent. This is true of most power exchanges. That’s where the true power of the dominant partner lies. It is all or nothing. Yes, I can withdraw my consent. If I do, the game is over.


  1. In a nutshell, I think that’s what happened to us. My ego got in the way. I withdrew consent. Game ended.

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