I’m filling in for Mrs. Lion this afternoon. She’s swamped ferrying boxes from our old house to our new one. It’s the home stretch in terms of making the transfer. I don’t know whether she’ll get a post in any day this week. She’s just too busy.
All too frequently I read posts by allegedly female writers who perpetuate a myth about men and orgasm denial. The party line, as stated by these people, is that men don’t necessarily crave ejaculation, instead they just want sexual activity.
It’s true that our male instincts keep us in constant heat. We want sex. Most men associate sexual activity with orgasm and ejaculation. The story goes that if his female partner lets him have sex but doesn’t let him finish, it will increase his interest in sex and decreases interest in ejaculating.
This is a rehash of the myth that if you lock up a man’s penis, he will want to give his partner more sex than he would if left in his wild state. It goes on to claim that because of this, his partner will want to keep him locked up.
The first premise that claims a man will have increased interest in sex if he is not allowed to ejaculate has a reasonable basis in fact. Most of us do want more sex if we are allowed sexual activity, but not allowed to ejaculate. That’s certainly true of me. However, that doesn’t mean he will transfer his sexual desire into giving altruistic sexual pleasure to his partner.
It is possible to train him to use his frustration as a way to provide more sexual pleasure to his partner. It’s a simple form of conditioning. Most guys who are willing to surrender orgasm control, probably enjoy sexual games. Even if they’ve never played one, they are almost certainly going to enjoy learning one and then playing it.
The game is very simple. He can earn an orgasm for himself if he provides excellent service to his partner. I know that the myth claims that this is unnecessary. Male sexual frustration is supposed to be instantly transferable to providing sex for his partner. I don’t believe that. But if you play the game, he will become a happy contestant trying to win a chance to ejaculate.
A lot of women won’t like this idea. They consider sex an emotional experience, not a transaction. I can’t argue with that, I agree. However, the objective is to convert his frustration into the constructive sexual outlet of providing you, his partner, with additional sexual fun. The “Win an Orgasm” game is excellent training.
Here’s how it goes: First, give him a goal, say 10 orgasms for you. When he reaches this goal, you allow him to ejaculate. The goal should be relatively easy to attain. He’ll love it. You probably need to establish some ground rules that prevent him from trying to give you all 10 orgasms in a single session. The obvious way to prevent this is to only count each session when you have one or more orgasms as a single point. You also retain the right to refuse to let him please you if you’re not in the mood.
This way things don’t get out of hand and he is not incentivized to push you too far in terms of multiple orgasms. Obviously, this isn’t the optimum way to have sex. Hopefully, within a relatively short time, the game will be unnecessary. Your orgasms will not be counted and he will unselfishly provide you with pleasure without expecting his reward.
The key value of this is that you are teaching him that sex and ejaculation are not tightly bound together. He will learn that sex is an activity you can both enjoy. Most often each session will end with you having one or more orgasms. They will not end with him ejaculating.
Sessions when he gets come are special. For the sake of his learning, it might be a good idea let him know at the start that this time he may have a chance to have his own orgasm. This doesn’t mean he will, but unlike the other sessions, he has a chance.
Turning sex into a game is an excellent way to make changes in the way both of you approach it. In this case, he wants you to control his orgasms. He wants to wait and feel the delicious frustration of arousal without ejaculation.
The reason that I am unhappy with the idea that all this should be automatic is that the assumption implies that somehow it’s a problem if he’s allowed to ejaculate during sex. After all, it implies that he needs the incentive of postponed orgasm in order to most enthusiastically supply you with pleasure.
By using the game, there is no suggestion that there was anything wrong with sex in the past. The game just changes the rules because it’s something he wants.
