April 2017 (Page 4)

My post yesterday was not meant to be an attack on Lion. I was trying to illustrate what we’ve been going through for the past weeks. I understand Lion can pull the plug at any time. He definitely has the right to not do something that has such an impact on his life. I know he’s scared. I know he wants to have every single duck in a row.

I was frustrated the other night. I thought we had figured out the transportation issue. I guess we had but it was not solidly locked down in Lion’s mind. The hardest part for me in all this planning is the yes-no part of it. We get all geared up for surgery and we’re jumping over every hurdle that comes our way. We got the new bed. We’re good to go. What about this issue? No. Apply the brakes. We’re not good to go. That issue is solved. We’re up to fourth gear. Another road block. Gear down. Okay. Past that road block and we’re in overdrive. Traffic ahead and we’re downshifting.

It’s an emotional roller coaster for both of us. The problem, from my point of view, is that I don’t know what he’s feeling and thinking. I can’t know exactly, even if he tells me. I’m not in his body. I don’t know how much pain he’s in at any given moment. I can’t feel if it’s a dull pain or a sharp pain. I don’t know if he can live with it the rest of his life. I can’t feel his stomach churning as he thinks about the what-ifs. I know his employer is bending over backwards to make sure he has the time off from work, the pay, and the accommodations he’ll need when he goes back to work. My employer is understanding, to a point, but they’re all about themselves in the end. That’s fine. We have to be all about ourselves too.

We’re just different personalities. I’d be scared, sure, but I tend to have the mindset that things will work out. Lion has his ducks that need to be in a row. Opposites may attract, but sometimes they can drive each other crazy. Obviously, this is temporary. There’s no doubt we’ll get through this together. It’s what we do.

Today is another day when there’s nothing to report. We went out to dinner, got home late, and didn’t even snuggle. We were both tired. And Lion had had a rough few hours worrying about the logistics of getting to and from surgery, and the post-op appointments. It seems that neither of our cars are suited for a wounded Lion. I think we’ll be fine. I think with a few adjustments, he can get in and out of at least one of our vehicles.

Lion is a planner. He needs to know the outcome of every situation before he starts. Our house is now, for the most part, set up for a three-legged Lion. I know we’ve missed some things. A few of them can be addressed before his surgery. Others will pop up later because we never thought of them. That’s just how it is. We’ll figure them out as we encounter them. There’s nothing else we can do.

There is one thing that stands out to me, though. When my parents needed help, they knew they needed it and were usually able to assist in some way. For example, if my mother needed help getting up from a chair, she needed your arm around her a certain way and as you lifted, she pushed. When someone else tried to help in a different way, it never went well.

I bring this up, not only because I have some idea of how to help people, but also because neither Lion nor I actually know what help he’ll need nor how to go about it. Between this unknown and fear, Lion has been in low-grade panic for a while. He’ll tell you he doesn’t panic, but it sure looks like he does. And I understand. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. I’ve never had surgery. I’ve only ever been in the hospital having my kids. The closest I’ve come is having my wisdom teeth yanked and having a breast biopsy. His surgery will be disruptive to his life and career. Everything is up in the air.

Last night, I was sitting on the fence between answering his questions as calmly as I could and yelling at him to put in his big boy panties. We’ve been over the which-vehicle-is-best argument before. We decided on my truck. No matter what answer I gave him last night, he shot it down. I know the underlying issue was fear so I did my best to offer options and suggestions. The bottom line was that there was nothing we could do about it at that exact point in time. We’ll practice getting him in and out of each vehicle and decide then. There is no need to cancel the surgery. If I have to wrap him in bubble wrap and throw him in the bed of the truck, we’ll get him home from surgery and back out to his post-op appointments.

I think that’s the difference between 1.0 and 2.0. Last night, 1.0 was calmly listening to Lion. Guess who had the bubble wrap idea. Yup.

I don’t know if Lion was particularly horny last night. I didn’t ask. I know he’s been missing intimacy and play, so I made sure we snuggled. And as we snuggled I tested the waters. He didn’t really show any signs of getting hard. But I decided I could give my balls a few swats to see what happened. Eureka!

Once I knew I was onto something, I decided maybe a visit from the Magic Wand would help the cause. I knew Lion wasn’t in much pain. The Tylenol was keeping the pain at bay for the moment. Lion loves the Magic Wand so he wasn’t complaining. Well, he did complain a little because I was still swatting my balls on and off. I’d get him a little ways along with the vibrator and then swat him. A little more vibrator. A few more swats.

I haven’t really been making him wait in the true sense of the word. It’s not like I tease him and he’s just chomping at the bit to come. He’s been fairly non-horny since the pain is usually on his mind more than sex. By default, his waits are somewhere around a week or so. I could probably have made him wait longer, but what would be the real purpose of that? If I’ve got him all riled up, I might as well take him all the way. It’s not like it’s happening every night. He’s not getting away with anything. At this point, anything I can do to make him feel better, I will do.

The orgasm certainly didn’t make him sleep any better. I’d like to think that for a few minutes, the rest of the world just faded away.