Expanding My Comfort Zone

As Mrs. Lion wrote yesterday, I got an orgasm. I had absolutely no idea she would do that. Of course, that’s the way she likes it. My post last week about punishment created considerable discussion. One of the points raised in the comments is that disciplining a grown man is uncomfortable, at least in the beginning. I know that was true for us as well. However, long before she became 2.0, Mrs. Lion had largely gotten over that hurdle.

Being a grown man who is disciplined requires considerable changes too, as I’ve discovered. Spanking has always been part of my erotic fantasies. I imagined that disciplinary spanking would be erotic spanking on steroids. It isn’t. It hurts and is humiliating. Since I am not submissive by nature, I find myself getting angry when the spankings start hurting too much. Of course I don’t act on that feeling, but the very fact that I don’t acts to further amplify my lack of control.

I can hear you saying to yourself, “That’s good! It’s what he needs.”

Well, yes I suppose it is. I wonder if like Mrs. Lion original hesitation to hurt me, these feelings will fade for me and I will just accept the pain as retribution for a wrong I have committed. It’s hard for me to imagine a change like that. But then, I never imagined that I would be locked in a chastity device for the rest of my life.

Reading back over my old posts, I can see that I went from initial excitement to a kind of public acceptance, but underneath a lot of doubt. By the end of the first year, I was feeling confident that we made the right decision. A few months later we began a wider power exchange which we labeled FLR. I wanted this. I’ve given my reasons in the past. I still think it was a good decision.

Like many things in life, the incorporation of punishment has unanticipated consequences for us. Some are pretty major. For one, Mrs. Lion, who is a go-with-the-flow type of lioness, was thrust into a position of authority and expected to make decisions. It’s pretty challenging for her. She’s slowly moving forward in this role and is doing fine. She also had to become a disciplinarian and I had to learn to accept punishment.

I didn’t think this part would be so difficult for me. After all, it was my idea. But just as my lioness is challenged by the need to be in charge, I am struggling with being a follower. We’ve talked about this and our current decision is that we won’t force authority on Mrs. Lion. I will make the decisions I always have; subject, of course, to her approval. She will assume new authority as she sees fit. She can do this by imposing rules or just telling me that I need to ask before whatever she now rules. This is working well so far.

I wonder how long it will take for me to meekly accept my punishment. I know better than to whine or object, but inside my head I am whining loudly. Last night was punishment night. Yesterday morning I thought I was home free. There were no pennies in my bank and it looked like Monday night would not include a painful spanking. Then, Mrs. Lion announced that there were infractions over the weekend that were not duly punished. My bank got some late pennies in it. So, punishment night featured a painful spanking to account for the change in my lion bank. I wasn’t happy when I learned I would be spanked. Not surprisingly, I wasn’t happy about the punishment.

Both enforced chastity and FLR severely compromise my independence. It doesn’t matter that I asked for this. My independence is still taken in key areas of my life. Yes, I know I want this. It doesn’t mean I have to like it all the time. It also doesn’t mean that learning to live in this new space is easy. It isn’t; at least for me. I know, you’re asking, “Then why continue?”

The reason is that we have discovered real value in our power exchange. We both feel that our relationship has improved as a result of these changes. Does that make me feel better about being spanked. Sadly, no; I’m not that mature I guess. Mrs. Lion has made it clear we aren’t going back. I’m hoping that over time I will learn to accept my fate more gracefully. Graceful or not, I will be punished if I don’t do what I am told. I just hope it will become easier to accept.


  1. Author

    I don’t think being a natural submissive, and I definitely think I am one, helps. Ever since the chastity has taken every sexual pleasure out of it, the feelings are the same. Fear knowing I could get a spanking, frustration when I am told I will get one, panic when I try to talk and negotiate my way out of it, shock when the pain sets in that always seems so much worse that I could imagine it, anger towards my disciplinarian, frustration when trying to get him to stop, panic when he doesn’t and I know I can’t get out of it and finally when I break down I just submit to the pain and his dominance. That zone when I am sore and sorry for myself that extends into long periods of no slip ups and misbehavior and absolute submission to his authority is what I crave, but the way there and the reinforcement via a caning is just as hard and difficult, emotionally, physically and mentally draining every time. I spoke a lot about this with my disciplinarian, he does like spanking, was spanked a lot too as a younger adult but he never got any discipline as strict as I do and although he has given a lot harsher whippings to true masochists who could take a lot more than me. He did feel uncomfortable as he saw how hard it was for me to take those punishments, but the results is what makes it worthwhile. The “Safe, sane and consensual” rule needs to be stretched and sometimes broken when spanking is meant as discipline I think. Within limits of health and safety of course, but pain threshold need to be reached and left behind when it’s discipline. That is a tough thing to learn and accept for both the top and the bottom and for me it has not gotten much easier over time. But then, if it would get easier, would it still be as effective?

    1. Author

      I would think so. I mean, I think in a sense of acceptance, possibly, but easier? At the end of the day it’s still pain. And not a good pain. Not a pain that you would associate with positivity. To me it seems an acceptance in the respect of, ‘Ok, I broke the rules and this is the consequence’- would possibly be easier. I don’t know. I’m the top considering the bottom feeling. If I were the bottom, I would avoid it like the plague! That s#!$ HURTS.

    2. Author

      I think that 1.5 made some good points in her reply. Safe, sane, and consensual (SS&C) applies to everything we do. However, SS&C does not mean painless or necessarily the pain is desired at the time. Safe and sane applies to the possibility of real injury. Consensual means that the bottom agreed to give the top the power to do what she is doing. I agreed to give Mrs. Lion control and the right to punish me as she sees fit. I don’t have to agree with a particular punishment. I don’t have the right to revoke consent when it hurts more than I want.

      The same is true with enforced chastity. I agreed to give her the power. I can’t revoke it because I am angry or horny. In our case, consent is a contract; not a paper one, but a verbal one with full force. It doesn’t matter how I feel about punishment or sexual control. I gave my unconditional consent. I have to trust that 2.0 in particular, will not permanently injure me. She won’t.

  2. Author

    Ahhh…acceptance. My poor boy had a similar situation last night as well. There was punishment. This time though I amped up the strikes. It was two-fold. 1. I wanted to see his limit and 2. I wanted a lasting impression. Afterwards, he seemed different than the other loads of times he’s been disciplined. I think that one hurt. I felt bad, but at the same time I didn’t. Kind of forced myself to not feel bad. He deserved it. He broke the rule. I think it was a reality check in a sense that I can actually make it hurt and that I choose when enough is enough. (I know he reads these posts so I am curious of his opinion about this.) I can imagine the feelings of anger that come up in the process. I’m not totally convinced I could handle what I delivered. But that’s not the reality. Do the crime, do the time. I do think, however, that it is incredibly important to remind him that I love him and love on him after. I could never just punish him and leave him to his thoughts after. I think that would brew resentment instead of power exchange.

    1. Author

      You’ve mentioned several times that you want to make sure he knows you love him and he doesn’t feel abandoned or unloved. Trust me, he doesn’t. Your punishment is fulfilling his wish. Based on my experience as a top, I would suggest that you, not he, needs the reassurance. I like Mrs. Lion’s rule that I thank her after punishing me. I know that it isn’t easy for her to intentionally hurt me. It’s my job to let her know that I appreciate what she has done and I love her for doing it.

      1. Author

        I never thought of it like that. Since you put it THAT way…I think that may have been what I needed last night after the spanking. I needed that reassurance and he probably did to, but maybe not that kind of reassurance. Maybe he needs to assure himself of his position in that way. Maximum impact – physically AND emotionally. I was more concerned about his feelings about it. Is that the top bottoming from – the top!? We may have to try this.

        1. Author

          I suggest you consider that he asked you to take on your role. The pain he is getting is probably not something he enjoys at the moment. It does hurt, after all. But it is what he wants. If you make him cry, you would probably feel horrible, at least the first time it happens. He will need comforting first, but you will absolutely need affirmation and big hugs to let you know you did the right thing. It is the bottom’s job to assure the top that she is loved and what she did is what she should do. That’s not weakness. It’s just fair.

          When I get a very painful spanking I feel quite sorry for myself and angry at that mean lioness who hurt me. That feeling doesn’t last long. Wisely, Mrs. Lion gently reminds me that this was all my idea. That often makes me growl, but I get the message. Once I am feeling a bit better I do reflect that often in the beginning it hurt her more than it hurts me. Now it just hurts me.

          You need to feel loved and appreciated. That is called aftercare for the top. It is absolutely required if you are to learn to feel empowered.

          1. Author

            That’s GOLD right there. Thank you. I do, quite frequently actually, remind him that this is what he asked for. As the saying goes…be careful what you ask for. I like your theory. Let’s see what he thinks.

  3. Author

    Last night was the most painful yet. 1.5 did exactly what we agreed and I am very grateful. I did ask for this and I accept it wholeheartedly. I think lioness’ rule of thanking her is a good one. I, like lion, am not submissive by nature. It has been difficult for me. It’s very different than the fantasy of it. Especially since we decided it to be a life change instead of the more playful, fantasy type exchange. I love seeing the changes in 1.5 and am enjoying the changes for me too. The punishment hurts and I am not fond of it when it happens, but she only does it because I asked for this and when it is necessary. Whatever she decides is what I do, like it or not. My submission has been in baby steps, if you will. So her taking that forcful position is what I need and I love her that much more for accepting her power.

    1. Author

      We have a lot in common. I know I have a slow, painful path to follow. We are both prepared for the long haul. Thanks for your comment.

Comments are closed.