What Is Too Much?

When are things going too far? This is a question that is very difficult to answer. When a couple decides to pursue a full time power exchange like enforced chastity and FLM, they often don’t build in the basic safety valves that more classic BDSM activities include. It’s not that the keyholder or disciplinary wife wants to go to an extreme that will put her male in danger or suffer excessively. More likely he pushes her to do more until things go from exciting to depressing.

It isn’t that she becomes a maniacal sadist who wants her man to suffer all the time. Generally she is trying to be his wish granter and make his fantasies come true. The fault is ignorance on both parts. I think it is fair to say that many male submissive fantasies are too extreme to work in the context of a 24/7 lifestyle. The vast majority of the women who are thrust into a dominant role have no experience in BDSM and haven’t had the benefit of the training many leather organizations offer. It’s fair to assume that most people who start one of these long-term power exchanges aren’t necessarily well equipped to manage them.

Many women who end up as keyholders or disciplinary wives self identify as dominant. In many cases they have been the functional head of the household before their husbands suggested a power exchange. They are comfortable with the role of keyholder or disciplinary wives because they have been running things anyway. What they may not realize when they start is that the sort of leadership they have been providing isn’t preparation for enforced chastity or FLM.

Here’s where I get controversial. The basis for enforced chastity and FLM is sexual. If you don’t believe me, read the web. The vast majority of the male-written blogs and forum posts are all about sexual domination. The fantasies are about prolonged sexual frustration, humiliation, punishment, and of course, providing endless sexual pleasure to the dominant female. There isn’t much out there about the day-to-day life of a caged or disciplined male. For that matter, there is even less about daily life for the dominant woman. It’s all about the exciting stuff.

That’s fair enough. Most of us can work out the less exciting aspects of our roles. But the exciting stuff is where trouble can come in. Over the years as a dungeon master and BDSM educator I have observed that people new to these activities never err on the side of excess. People care about each other. A baby top (new dominant) isn’t going to hit too hard, tie too tight, or tease too long. I support this built-in conservatism. Left on their own devices, new keyholders and disciplinary wives will gradually work their way into the roles. The problem is the submissive partner.

As we’ve discussed many times in the past, a newly submissive male is highly charged with years of fantasies. Over all this time he has had time to build up the severity and humiliation of these fantasies. What do you think happens when he finally finds someone who will let him live this role? He will push as hard as he can for much more than he can really take. When his obliging partner attempts to meet these extreme wishes, he quickly discovers that some things are much more fun as fantasies. But out of ego or fear of losing his new dominant, he endures. She takes his acceptance as a signal that she can enhance the activities if she wants. He doesn’t want to quit.

You can see how this vicious circle builds. Sexually motivated activities are rarely rational. BDSM as well as FLM and enforced chastity has to be very rational. The dominant partner has to continuously assess how her bottom is doing. She has to resist his pleas for more. She has to reject his fantasies in favor of a planned program that will end up with a happy submissive and a truly dominant woman.

You, the woman in this relationship, has to take instant charge of how much or how little you are going to permit inside this power exchange. You have to stay above the roles you are assuming. In our relationship we have been working for a long time on converting kink and role play into our reality. It doesn’t mean that from day one I wasn’t submitting. I was. But Mrs. Lion understands the need for each of us to learn and internalize our roles. She keeps us on an even keel. After all, she’s in charge.


  1. Author

    That was a really nice piece to read. My wife and I have just started chastity at my request. I feel as though things aren’t progressing he way I’d hoped but I have to remember this is more new to her than me. So I just wanted to thank you for that little bit of perspective. Great blog by the way, I’ve been casually following it for the last 3 weeks, it’s been a real help. Thanks!

  2. Author

    Caged Lion it is more than obvious that you have loads of experience with BDSM/Chastity and this is why you see what is important and how people react on this subject. I could not agree more with you that fantasy does not go hand in hand always with reality. The main problem I see with fresh starters in BDSM/Chastity is lack of communication from both sides.

    Me and my girlfriend started harsh and we both found out that you need to adopt to fresh lifestyle and just talk honestly if you are really devoted for things to work out.

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