We Need Structure

As you probably know, Mrs. Lion and I are fledgeling practitioners of Female Led Marriage (FLM) which in our case includes Domestic Discipline (DD). I’ve been confused by the difference between FLM and DD as it applies to me. DD talks about one partner being disciplined (not BDSM) by the dominant partner. A DD relationship can have the male as dominant. FLM always has the woman in charge. I think that the ability to enforce authority is required in FLM. Logically, that means rewards and punishments. The punishment part is, by definition, domestic discipline.

Some FLM relationships rarely if ever need punishment. These relationships allocate major decision making to the female partner. Her partner recognizes and accepts this. There is no behavioral modification or sexual control required. I guess those are vanilla FLM. Mrs. Lion and I practice enforced chastity (orgasm control) as part of FLM. She also uses punishment to enforce her wishes. Her punishment of choice is spanking. Rewards for me are often sexual attention.

FLM isn’t natural for either of us. Mrs. Lion traditionally goes along with things and doesn’t express her wishes, much less enforcing her will. I have generally been in charge of everything professionally and at home. Why we decided on this role switch is another conversation. The fact is we have.  In order to bring this switch to life requires structure to force the changes we need to make. Without the structure we both agree we would lapse into prior, less-happy behaviors.

We started with enforced chastity. With me wearing a chastity device 24/7, there was no way to mistake Mrs. Lion’s role in my sex life. If she doesn’t provide it, I don’t get release. If she forgets this, rest assured I will remind her. I have to if I want to come. Our sexual power exchange has worked very well. We’ve both agreed I will be locked in a device permanently. I do get out, of course, for sexual teasing and the occasional orgasm. I also get out when we travel in our RV. But the device is locked on within four hours of arriving home. Even when not in the device, Mrs. Lion is still the only one who can provide me with sexual attention. I am not permitted to play with myself. I don’t. If I did, I know that I would be locked up with no orgasms for an extended time and I would get a long and painful spanking. Mrs. lion practices orgasm control over me. That never changes. She hasn’t let me masturbate in more than a year and a half.

We both feel that enforced chastity has done a lot for our marriage. We are much more physically intimate even if I don’t get to come very often. We both touch all the time. Mrs. Lion sexually teases me almost every night. I’m starting to forget that sex was ever different for me. I’m very happy with it.

The very structured format of our enforced chastity has assured we stuck with it and committed to continue forever. That is not something I take lightly. I’ve given up any sexual control for the rest of my life. For her part, Mrs. Lion owns it permanently.

FLM is more difficult for us to establish. There is no device that will prevent me from exercising control. Similarly, there is no physical way to “force” Mrs. Lion to take charge and enforce my submission to her. We aren’t too consistent yet. To help us, we have established two “Punishment” days (Monday and Thursday) and two “Maintenance Spanking” days (Tuesday and Friday) every week. The idea is that when Mrs. Lion observes an infraction, she can note it or tell me. Then, on the next punishment day, I get spanked for each offense. Maintenance spanking days require Mrs. Lion to spank me for no particular reason, just to “train” us to make spanking routine.

That’s more important than you might think. It is anything but natural for Mrs. Lion to take a paddle and spank hard enough to make each swat really hurt. She is fine with “play” spankings that build up and are designed to provide me with the erotic submission of BDSM. She sees that  I really like these. I don’t “like” them while she spanks me, but she sees how aroused she can get me a very short time after she finishes. Disciplinary spankings are supposed to turn me off and really hurt me. I need to fear them enough to unquestioningly obey her and religiously follow all her rules.

All this seems pretty simple and straightforward. But it is anything but that for us. Mrs. Lion struggles to make and enforce rules. If I do something to upset her, she is much more likely to deferentially talk to me about what upset her, or most often, simply let it go. Since, unlike enforced chastity, there is no device forcing me to remind her when she forgets, we easily revert to our pre-FLM behavior.

I’m not saying that we aren’t making any progress, but my butt should be a lot redder. That isn’t because I want more spanking. It’s because I can see Mrs. Lion letting a lot go. She doesn’t like to make waves, but our agreement to practice FLM has to encourage her to be much more assertive. Even when spanking me I can see she is more concerned with how much she is hurting me than how much I need to take to learn. If I upset her, she should certainly talk to me, but she should always use her paddle to let me know how she feels. Just like the chastity device keeps us on track with enforced chastity, her paddle can serve the same role for FLM.

Let’s face it, I don’t have a lot of behavioral issues that need correcting. I’m a pretty well adjusted male. But like enforced chastity, I had no sexual problems that required my penis to be locked up. However, the device forces us to sexually communicate in ways we stopped doing on our own. Much as I hate to say it, I think spanking is the chastity device of our FLM. Each time I am spanked without regard for how much it hurts, but for what is needed to teach me, FLM moves ahead. The more often these spankings occur, especially immediately after the offense, the more Mrs. Lion will build the habit of letting me know each and every time I do something she doesn’t like. Each time I interrupt, I need to feel her displeasure in no uncertain terms.

This may all seem synthetic to you. Certainly, a serious spanking isn’t objectively earned by interrupting. That’s not the point. The act of punishing me for causing any displeasure is designed to build new habits for both of us. Most importantly it helps Mrs. Lion master her new role. It also teaches me that I am not in control and have to submit to any punishment for any reason Mrs. Lion wishes.

I’ve talked exclusively about spanking. There are two reasons for this: Mrs.Lion has selected it as her go-to disciplinary tool. The other, perhaps more important reason is that unlike taking something away from me, it requires her to actively administer the discipline and learn to feel good about hurting me to make her point. That is very difficult for her. It’s not so easy for me either.