Things are fairly quiet here. I’ve been binge-watching “Sister Wives.” Like many Discovery Channel programs, the adventures move at a glacial speed with constant repeats of scenes. I’m interested because it’s fun to see how people internalize different cultural norms like polygamy. The Mormons were polygamous from the start. The Bible is full of practice, so it was easy for the church to adopt it.
The practice was never about sex. It was about creating a plentiful supply of new congregants. Mormons, polygamous or not, espouse large families. All are encouraged to have as many children as possible. The Brown family, tracked by the Discovery Channel series, has four wives and seventeen kids. Most of the children will end up in their parent’s church. The Browns accept their lifestyle as an expression of their religion. They never discuss sex on the show. My guess is that the sex is extremely vanilla, with an emphasis on breeding.
Most of us imagine multiple partners as opportunities for super sex. I always did. The idea of two (or more) women I could fuck at will was amazing. The reality was very different. For me, at least, once the novelty of two partners wore off, it came down to building a relationship with each. Sex was the least significant part of it. My experience was very much like the Browns; most of our time and energy was spent dealing with exactly the same things every other couple has to handle. The difference in our case was that we had to multiply those things by three.
When I think about my experience with male chastity and our disciplinary activities, I realize that they are no different than any other activity introduced into a relationship. Before we started, and while they were new, I spent a lot of time thinking about them. I wanted to believe that male chastity and spanking were revolutionary ways to improve a marriage. I looked for reasons why they cured common relationship issues.
For example, I expected that giving Mrs. Lion the ability to punish me would provide her with a way to guarantee that she was being heard. I wanted her to use her paddle to equalize the power balance in our marriage. I’m not sure that happened. I do get spanked for breaking rules. I almost never get punished for annoying her. I’m not saying that we are failing. We aren’t. Mrs. Lion is meeting a need: I have to be spanked. She is also getting some benefit from the ability to ensure I do my share of the chores.
The power balance in our marriage hasn’t changed. I am still the leader and Mrs. Lion looks to me to make many decisions. I don’t think she ever wanted that to change. I never thought much about it until I tried to change it. Then it became obvious that we didn’t want to change. I wanted to introduce spanking. I didn’t want to change my role in our marriage. When I tried, it didn’t work. Neither of us liked the FLR dynamic.
We managed to integrate discipline by unconsciously adopting a limited scope of authority for Mrs. Lion. She can make rules that I have to follow. She doesn’t make them in a vacuum. We discuss her ideas before they are implemented. So far, she has let me veto rules I don’t want to follow. If she decided to take away my veto power, I would be fine with it. She isn’t interested in reversing our roles. From what I can glean on the Internet, this seems to be the model that works for others, too.
How does this relate to polygamy? I think that both practices have a similar basis. Once you remove the fantasies and rationalizations from the equation, you are left with the simple reality that both practices don’t change the relationships of participants. They add complications, more work, and hopefully, rewards to the people who practice them. I’m not claiming that there is any relationship between disciplinary marriage and polygamy. They are unrelated practices. I am saying that both appear to radically change the way participants relate to one another. In fact, they don’t. Both have potential rewards and risks. Neither radically changes the way couples relate to one another.
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