I have spent the past few days digesting Lion’s post Sexual Charity. As it is in most cases, you see what you want to see. I was checking back through our posts and the earliest mention of my libido being gone is in April 2014. That’s over a year after Lion started wearing a chastity device. And, I still wanted sex for a while after I locked him away. His sexual desert was largely because I got tired of always initiating. I knew he was bad at it, but come on, why was I doing all the work? Yes, sex can be work. If I’m charged with getting him turned on, it stands to reason that I don’t have time or energy to get myself turned on. [Lion — That’s my job. Once I’m turned on, I can be pretty good at getting her motor running.]
Maybe that’s the real reason I don’t want sex anymore. It’s not because Lion is a chore. Maybe my body took the cue that sex for him was more important and flipped the off switch. I don’t know. Changing medications doesn’t seem to have worked. I’m going to the doctor again next week to talk about weaning myself off of the anxiety meds. I guess we’ll find out if I’m completely off of them when I feel the need to beat Lion’s butt for breathing too loud. Assuming it’s a medication issue, I should regain my libido at some point thereafter. If my body flipped the off switch, that’s more of a problem. How do you reset the circuit breaker on your brain? It may take therapy to undo it.
The other thing that has me scratching my head is Lion saying we need to hug and kiss more. The intimacy is gone. Okay. I agree that we may have become a bit more distant lately. But we really never had much foreplay. It was mostly “You ready?” “Sure. Let’s go.” A few months ago, Lion said he wasn’t a piece of meat (not his words), he needed some buildup to sex. I was rushing him. His reasoning is that I wanted to be done with the chore. Nope. It’s just the way we always did it.
The night before his post was published, (we normally read each other’s post before it’s published), I moved over to snuggle with Lion. He remained under the blankets, watching TV. Did he move over to hug or kiss? Nope. I tried to wake up my weenie and Lion, if I remember correctly, fell asleep. Not exactly intimate. Last night, I moved over to snuggle again. He continued to watch TV. I played with my weenie until the uncomfortable position I was in started to get to me. I had to move.
I can’t do it all. I can initiate. I can give Lion sex even if I don’t want sex myself. (And I do like doing it for him. It’s not a chore. He’s not a chore.) But I can’t hug and kiss myself. Well, I guess I could, but it wouldn’t have the effect Lion is looking for. I don’t think I caused the problems we’re having. Of course, if my brain flipped that switch, maybe I did. I didn’t mean to and I’ll do whatever I can to unflip it. By the way, because I guess I have to state things emphatically, I don’t think Lion caused the problems we’re having either. But I can only get halfway to intimacy. He has to meet me in the middle.