How To Be A Good Lay

Mrs. Lion wondered in her post “Oh Baby, Oh Baby, Oh Baby” what made a man or woman a good lay. She didn’t comment on whether or not I am. I suppose that means she doesn’t think I’m a good lay. [Mrs. Lion — He is.] Of course, it’s been years since she’s wanted sex with me. Maybe that’s the reason. That’s sad. I always thought that I was very good in bed. I judged my performance by two metrics: One, my partner had an abundance of orgasms. Two, she kept coming back for more.

I’ve always loved making a woman come. From way before I even knew what BDSM meant, I found it incredibly exciting to push her right to the edge of orgasm and then stop. [Mrs. Lion — I hate this.] I love to do this over and over (except to Mrs. Lion). When my partner was thoroughly crazy with desire, I would keep going and let her come. I always did this with my mouth or fingers. Fucking isn’t precise enough as a tool for teasing. I learned early on that most women prefer oral orgasms. I also learned that after having some, they were usually completely happy to let me enter them for my happy ending. In my opinion, a man is a good lay if he provides an abundance of foreplay and then facilitates more than one orgasm for the woman.

In my experience, the woman is a good lay if she learns how to arouse me and keep me that way for some time. She needs to pay active attention to me and my penis. Simply providing her body for my pleasure will not make her a good lay to me.

When I was in my 20’s I met a woman who was incredibly sexy to me. She was also married and I knew it would be wrong to make love to her. We did hang out together. We never fooled around at all. We would snuggle on the couch and talk. I noticed that after we had been snuggling for a while her hair smelled different. I was sure that meant she was aroused. She didn’t make any move to be sexual and neither did I. But I loved that smell.

Over 10 years later, we met again and she told me she had a dream that we made love. I told her that I had the same dream about her many times. We didn’t make any specific plans, but when I was in her city I asked her if she would like to join me. I got a hotel room. She wanted to take a shower first. I asked her if I could join her. She didn’t say anything and we both got naked. We showered together and it was a lot of fun. She certainly knew how to wash my cock and balls. All that time she didn’t say a word.

After we dried off, she lay in the bed on her back with her legs spread wide. Again, not a word. I thought it was very odd but I was really excited. I gave her a little bit of oral sex and she didn’t seem to respond. I then mounted her and had a terrific orgasm. Again no visual or other response from her. When I dismounted she said that she had never come so quickly. “Really?” I thought. She could’ve fooled me. She was definitely not a good lay. Apparently I was for her. We never had sex again.

I don’t think I am a good lay for every woman I’ve ever mounted. Some just wanted to fuck. Sometimes I came too quickly. Other times I just lost interest. I never worried about this. I realized that sex is interactive. The quality of the lay has less to do with the individual than it does with the interaction.

For example, if the first encounter was less than thrilling, a short conversation afterward could reveal what needed to happen to make it better. It’s a learning process. Mrs. Lion and I weren’t amazingly good lays for us in the beginning. We had to learn each other’s bodies and discover what works best for one another.

I don’t think a man or a woman is a good lay. I think a couple is. Sure, the fact that I know a lot of ways to arouse a woman is helpful. But it isn’t terribly useful until I learn exactly how to arouse the specific partner I’m with. I’m a good lay if I am focused on her pleasure. She’s a good lay if she’s focused on mine. If I can approach her with the clear expectation that I’m going to give her an amazing time and not worry about what will happen to me, she will think I’m a good lay. I have to trust that she’s approaching me the same way.

Male chastity and orgasm control have helped me immensely. I approach sex (when Mrs. Lion wanted it) with no expectation of orgasm for me. I’m there for her. I want her to have as many orgasms as she can. I know that eventually, she may give me an orgasm too. I’ve learned that sex isn’t necessarily reciprocal. Mrs. Lion knows that too. It’s better that way. By focusing on one person’s pleasure at a time, success is very easy.

Bottom line: I think that a good lay is someone (man or woman) who is totally focused on the pleasure of his or her partner. A really good lay has no expectation of orgasm for himself. There are two things that make a person a good lay: knowledge of how to please his or her partner, and unselfishness. It’s that simple.


  1. That’s an interesting opinion. It’s worth thinking about…

    1. Author

      Thank you. 🙂

  2. That’s a really good way to think of things. That’s how I’ve always approached sex. I’m doing it for their pleasure first and foremost. If they’re happy and content, I’m a they’ll reciprocate. If not, it’s not a big deal to me. If I orgasm or not isn’t really a big deal to me, and never has been. I’ve just focused my attention on them and whatever happens, happens.

    I love reading your blog too. It’s really informative and helpful to someone just starting out in chastity. My wife is on board, but not 100% yet. It’s only been a week, but I’ve definitely been more helpful around the house and more attentive to her as well. I think I spent all my energy masturbating, and for someone with low testosterone it probably wasn’t a good idea. Oh well, time will tell how this goes. Hopefully as well as you and Mrs Lion ?

  3. I like your definition Lion. I should have added unselfishness to my answer to Mrs Lion. I kind of implied it, but should have stated it clearly.

    1. Author

      I think we are all on the same page.

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