It Isn’t Femdom

Some people consider femdom a lifestyle. They also think that the world would be better if all wives lock up their husbands and take total control of their lives. Like most generalizations, this idea is fatally flawed. For one thing, sexual control — that’s what femdom is about — doesn’t address any of the real issues that affect the world. It doesn’t really address relationship issues. It’s a very engaging sexual adventure; nothing more.

That may sound odd coming from me. I’m the male half of a female led relationship with discipline (FLRD). I’ve been one for about four years. We practice male chastity. I’ve had a lot of time to consider exactly what’s going on with us. I admit that when we started, I was driven by hot, sexual fantasies of control and female domination. Mrs. Lion agreed to try it because she saw how much it meant to me.

The BDSM-style domination I dreamed about didn’t work in real life. Rather than drop it, Mrs. Lion made it her own. Gradually, things changed. We wrote lots of posts about how we were adjusting. If you are interested, look back at what we wrote over the last three or four years.

We learned the difference between BDSM and real exercise of power. I still like bottoming to Mrs. Lion. She regularly plays with me. I get clothespins on my balls, Icy Hot there too. She favors CBT for play. She exercises absolute control over when and how I get to ejaculate. We have a successful male chastity relationship. We are both happy with it.

I think the reason it works for us is that we both clearly understand it is sexual. We don’t confuse male chastity with Mrs. Lion’s authority. That may not seem logical, but it is. No matter how much we may protest, we males are not controlled by our penises. Yes, we may make bad decisions when in heat, but we understand what we are doing. Once we ejaculate, our judgement is likely to improve.

Yes, we can be manipulated by the promise of sex. Romcoms are usually about that weakness. In real life, that manipulation is going to fail eventually. This is one reason that relationships formed because of BDSM (dominant/submissive) compatibility are likely to fail. Sexual control isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

I need to bottom. I get frustrated and unhappy if I don’t get regular attention. That doesn’t mean my life should be a 24/7 femdom experience. I hate that idea. When I asked Mrs. Lion to take charge in a real 24/7 FLRD, I visualized a sort of BDSM scene that ran full time. Mrs. Lion gamely tried, but it made us both unhappy when she did.

It was obvious that BDSM isn’t a lifestyle for us. It is a set of activities we like to practice. Mrs. Lion is the top and I am the bottom. I’m not submissive other times; just when I bottom to her. On the other hand, our FLRD is full time and is totally unrelated to our play.

Yesterday, my post was about the way punishment is integrated into our relationship. There are no BDSM trappings; no kneeling, worship, or pledging obedience. That stuff can be part of a BDSM scene, but not our FLRD. It turns out that this separation is likely to be the reason we continue to practice both.

That doesn’t mean our FLRD is deadly serious; far from it. How serious can you be about punishment for spilling food on my shirt? We both know that this rule is a sort of practice exercise for more serious disciplinary issues. Mrs. Lion smiles when she catches me. However, when it comes time for punishment, she spanks me just as hard as she does for “real” offenses. The pain isn’t funny. We both understand why it is important to do this.

FLRD is something we both have to learn. We knew this from the beginning. Mrs. Lion’s initial rules are designed to give us frequent opportunities to experience her power. That’s the other reason we are succeeding.

Our formula is very simple:

  1. We work hard to separate sexual control (BDSM) from our FLRD. That doesn’t mean I don’t get aroused when I think about being punished. That’s just how I am wired. It does mean that the actual rules have nothing to do with sex and the punishments have no sexual component. Spankings are as impersonal as they would be if my mother were punishing me.
  2. We understand that FLRD has to be learned. We recognize that we have to start slowly and evolve into a true female led relationship. We are doing this because we see real value in this power exchange. It isn’t because I want to bottom or submit. She isn’t a femdom goddess.

Our FLRD has different value for each of us. I am an aggressive, often dominant male. My lion nickname fits. I need to learn to be more aware of how I affect Mrs. Lion, and by extension, others. FLRD is a perfect way to train me. Mrs. Lion is a very accepting soul. She is unlikely to assert her needs and wishes. Being the disciplinary wife in our FLRD, she is learning to express her feelings and assert her will.

It’s working. No, we are nowhere near reaching our goals. We are on our way. Mrs. Lion has learned to observe and punish infractions. Occasionally, she will let me know when I upset her. That’s progress. It won’t be long before she will punish me for doing things that upset her. That’s what we both want.

Tell us what you think or ask us a question