Mrs. Lion’s post yesterday talked about how my insecure feelings Tuesday night, were due to the fact that she didn’t tease me and spent her time in her iPad. When I told her how I was feeling, I did mention that as a possible cause. I wasn’t implying that she had to change in order for me to feel better.
It’s not that simple. She generally claims that if I’m busy watching TV then her iPad, Facebook, and other activities amount to the same thing. It doesn’t feel the same to me. For one thing, the TV is about 12 feet away and visible to both of us. Her iPad isn’t. I feel that I am interrupting her if I want to talk because she is concentrating on her tablet. My TV viewing isn’t terribly focused and I can pause or rewind at any time.
I watch TV because I have a very low social media profile. I don’t particularly like video games. I could read a book, but that would make me just as inaccessible as Mrs. Lion. Generally, her game playing doesn’t disturb me. On Tuesday it did. More about that in a bit.
I love it when we snuggle or hold hands. The contact means a lot to me on a very deep, emotional level. For the record, I wasn’t particularly horny on Tuesday night. I mentioned the sexual touching because for me, it’s absence appeared to be a symptom of change. I don’t know why I occasionally feel insecure. I don’t necessarily recognize it when it starts. But a sure sign of it is when I feel a separation because Mrs. Lion doesn’t seem to want to interact with me.
Insecurity isn’t something I feel all that often; isolation is. I’m fairly social. My work, while affecting a lot of people, is usually solitary. When I work from home, I feel even more isolated. Most of the people I need to meet with are far away. Where I sit makes no difference. If there’s cell service, I can even work from our camper when we’re away.
We were together over a week on our vacation. I certainly wasn’t starved for Mrs. Lion’s company. So my feelings had no basis in physical fact. Something inside me made me worry. Little things started looking like signs confirming my bad feelings. It wasn’t some sort of mental break, but I got worried.
There is some basis for my concerns. Mrs. Lion provides me with sexual satisfaction but wants none for herself. It makes me feel that I am taking without giving back. Asking for anything sexual makes me feel greedy and spoiled. Our power exchange is an important way we deal with this significant inequality.
That doesn’t stop me from worrying and feeling selfish. The idea that she can feel perfectly fine providing me with release with none for herself is impossible for me to understand on a gut level. I don’t know how to “get over” this. Most of the time I’m fine, but under the surface, I feel selfish.
So, once in a while it bubbles up to the surface. None of this is her fault. In some ways our power exchange can work against me when I’m insecure. Is firm assertion of her authority, and by extension, her love, a way to snap me out of it? I’m doubtful but I’m truly not in a good position to judge. Should she have spanked me on Tuesday night? Would that have been the magic I needed? I don’t know.
I’m writing this on Wednesday afternoon. Mrs. Lion promised me a spanking for upsetting her. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m not supposed to.