I believe that the vast majority of failed enforced chastity and domestic discipline attempts are due to an obvious-but-deadly mistake. I think it is safe to say that all of us have strong expectations when we ask our partners to begin kinks like these. We envision our mates turning into dominant sex monsters who will gleefully tease us about our inability to orgasm, while at the same time, demanding continuous oral attention. On the domestic discipline side, the fantasy is that our partners will become strict taskmasters. Even the slightest deviation from absolute obedience is greeted by painful punishment.

The problem with these fantasies is that they assume life will radically change as a result of agreement to engage in the kinks. This rarely happens. In our case, I had those expectations. Mrs. Lion knows me well enough to realize that if she gives me some time, I will figure out what will work for us. So, when we started enforced chastity, I was pretty obsessed with it. She gamely tried to fill the role I defined for her. We had fun with it. Very very slowly, my expectations changed to match hers and we have a lifestyle we both can enjoy.

I’m locked in my Jail Bird almost all the time. I have to wait for my ejaculations; how long isn’t important any more. When she decides to get me off, I come. It’s that simple. I report my frustration in our daily email conversations. It comes up most days at home as well. It’s fun for both of us. Frequent teasing sessions guarantee sexual contact. The result is we are closer. I think that’s perfect. My wish to be locked up has evolved into a permanent part of our marriage. My expectations have changed and are being met. Mrs. Lion finds value and enjoys the power exchange.

Inserting obedience and punishment into our relationship is evolving too. The main problem, like in enforced chastity, was my expectations. I had this vision of Mrs. Lion as a strict disciplinarian. I also envisioned punishment as very painful spankings with no warmup. We tried this for quite a while. Mrs. Lion lamented that she wasn’t meeting my expectations because she didn’t enforce her rules consistently. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t handle “disciplinary” spankings. Mrs. Lion could only get in eight to ten swats before it was too much for me.

This was really odd in our case. I am an expert at spanking, flogging, and other BDSM techniques. I was a practicing dominant and BDSM educator for many years. I taught spanking workshops. I set all that knowledge aside in order to realize my DD fantasy. Then I discovered the Strict Julie Spanks blog. Julie is a young woman who has been writing about her BDSM spanking scenes for years. She writes terrific, sexy posts about her adventures with her husband, sister, and friends.

What struck me about her descriptions was that she gave spankings the way I had been teaching for years. She used a buildup to get her husband’s endorphins up enough to accept harder blows. Her swats became harder in sync with his ability to take them. She also pushed him by frequently inserting much harder swats. The result was that she could have him in tears with a very red, sore bottom every time.

Technically, she doesn’t consider this punishment. My interpretation is that she is indulging her husband’s desire to be spanked with a twist. Yes, he gets the spanking he wants, but she gives him a lot more. The price for indulging his fetish is her much harder and longer sessions. She’s discovered she likes to beat him. So this is fun for her Of course, when the tears dry, he loves it too.

Her blog inspired me to suggest that Mrs. Lion use the same buildup that she did when we played in the past. Now that she does, my spankings last a lot longer with hundreds of swats. She still stops considerably short of where Julie stops. I think this will change very slowly as she “trains” me to take more. At least that is what I hope will happen.

The point of all this is that the kind of fantasy scene so many of us have will not play in real life. A pro-dom will be able to create your fantasy for an hour or two. If you want any of this to become part of your real life, you have to accept that your partner will decide how much she is willing to do. Mrs. Lion starts out by trying to do what I ask. Within a short time, she changes it to fit what works for her. I have to change my expectations to match what she is willing to do. If I fail to do that, she will feel like a failure and give up.

If you think about it, that’s exactly what should happen. These are power exchanges that give our partners control over us. That control is exactly what they are doing when they change the rules from our expectations to what they want. Our job is to obey.

Over time, Mrs. Lion has been getting much better at catching me breaking rules. Whether I’m in the mood or not, I get punished when it is convenient for her. Slowly, she is getting stricter. I imagine her spankings will get more severe too as she finds her way.

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to do any of this stuff. There is one thing that has to happen for it to work: you have to truly surrender power to your partner. If that means your fantasy doesn’t turn magically into reality, that’s the way it goes. All you can do is negotiate the power exchange, explain what you think you want, and then have her agreement to try it.

I guarantee that it won’t end up the way you imagined it. I also guarantee that over time it will change if you are supportive and accept her vision. It’s happened that way for me. Mrs. Lion continues to grow in her role. I am growing in mine. We aren’t different people. I’m still her partner and she still respects me as her husband.

If you are a woman whose husband has asked you to do any of this, I have a little advice for you. First, listen to what he wants. He may have done a lot of reading, but it is unlikely he has any experience. He is telling you his fantasy.

If you agree to try it, let him know you won’t be doing exactly what he asked. Mrs. Lion agreed to lock me in a chastity device, but didn’t agree to be a greedy sexual monster. It was all about me and my frustration. I had to accept that. Domestic discipline started out with my fantasy of how it would be. She listened and agreed to make a few rules and spank me for breaking them. Since then, I still suggest all sorts of stuff. She is generally willing to try what I suggest at least once. But she only adds those things that work for her into her tool box.

Sometimes that frustrates me and I growl. Once in a while I get spanked for growling. I think she should do that a lot more often. In the end, she’ll do what she wants. The most important lesson is that for any of this to work, there has to be lots of communication. Both of us have to be willing to try new things. None of this is easy. But it can work. It has for us.