I’m pissed off!
I had a completely different post planned for today, but I’ve had enough. Over the last nearly-four years there have been a number of comments about topping from the bottom. Not one of the people complaining that I do this, actually knows what the term means. Topping from the bottom refers to bottoms who try to direct a scene while it’s in progress. It has nothing to do with conversations outside of the activity involved. For the sake of those who still don’t get it, if I try to change Mrs. Lion’s spanking style while she is spanking me, then I am topping from the bottom.
If I suggest new ways to do things outside of the time we are actually doing them, I may be annoying but it isn’t topping from the bottom.
Specifically, Mrs. Lion wrote of her frustration about an email exchange I am having with someone I greatly respect. The exchange discussed the nature of spanking, specifically in relation to me; more about that in a few paragraphs. Mrs. Lion and I have a longstanding misunderstanding about the meaning of my attempts to convey newly acquired knowledge. This isn’t confined to power exchange information. It happens no matter what the subject.
When I discuss new possibilities, Mrs. Lion internalizes my suggestions to means she isn’t doing enough to make me happy. She invariably jumps to this conclusion. She freely admits this. I’m faced with choosing not to offer ideas to avoid this situation or to remind her she is doing a great job and my ideas are just that, ideas for different-not-better ways of doing things. In the context of our domestic discipline, she can simply thank me for my ideas and let me know she isn’t ready to try anything new just yet. Information is not criticism. It’s just knowledge being shared.
Now, as promised, here is the real story about what all this sturm and drang is about. In my correspondence I asked about spanking. I was, in turn, asked how I reacted. Specifically, I was asked if I reacted as a child. Do I kick my feet? Beg to have the spanking stop, promising never to do it again? Cry? Roll over to stop it, only to be told to expose my bottom again? The answer to all except rolling over is “no.”
I recently wrote that I wasn’t exactly sure why the practice of spanking is so ubiquitous, but it is. Now I think I understand. Each and every spanking is supposed to be cathartic. It is successful when it allows cathartic release. It isn’t the color of my butt that decides when the spanking is done. It’s when I have exhibited that I experienced the release.
This isn’t Mrs. Lion’s problem; at least not entirely. Her role is to not stop until that release occurs. In the context of a spanking, my “no” means “yes.” “Yellow” means keep going, just a little lighter for a bit. Rolling over means telling me to get my butt back and even raise it to ask for a hard swat. The rest is up to me. My reaction to painful swats has been to literally roar and scream. It’s not the reaction of the vulnerable child. It’s a dominant, grownup protest to the pain.
I’m learning that for me to successfully surrender, I have to react as the child. The spanking is a demonstration of my submissive position to my lioness. It isn’t so much about the pain, though there is plenty. It’s about me feeling punished and having gotten to the point I am just a blubbery mass of submission. That actually doesn’t require the hardest possible swats, just unrelenting spanking until I experience that catharsis.
This won’t happen for either of us all at once. I have to learn to react appropriately. Mrs. Lion has to learn to guide me. Like everything else we do together, I’m confident we will work at it until we both succeed.
This is what I want. I’m hoping Mrs. Lion will be willing to help me achieve it. If not, we will be fine and our power exchange will continue. I have a lot of confidence in her. Sometimes it appears I have more in her than she does in herself. If she is willing she will succeed. I am not nearly as sure I will learn my part.
There was a second concept mentioned: humiliation. That, for the record, is less about learning to submit than it is about a long-held kink. I admit I haven’t really had a chance to experience much of it, but the thought turns me on. Perhaps being made (not me volunteering) to wear panties and bra for Mrs. Lion, maybe under my clothes, is the sort of experience that would work with me. I don’t know.
I’m not saying I expect Mrs. Lion to start making me do this for her right now. I’m simply saying that when that subject came up, it turned me on. That’s all. Diapers also fit into the humiliation arena too, obviously. When Mrs. Lion makes me wear them and makes frequent reference to the infantile lion having to be diapered, it is exciting.
Thank you! As a complete newbie,I confess to having thought about the top from the bottom thing. That said, I had also wondered how to communicate needs and wants without topping from below. Your explanation is wonderfully enlightening and makes complete sense. Well done sir.
I do commend you and Mrs. Lion on this blog. You both seem honest and open about the ebb and flow of DD. As a student and one who desires this with my own wife I have found your wisdom to be the best I have found.
Again, thanks to you both
So are you saying that topping from the bottom is the one who agreed to be the submissive during a scene or sex or some drawn out ritual punishment that once what ever the individuals agreed upon before starting, the one playing the submissive would be topping from the bottom if they directed the one playing to dominant to spank them harder to tell them when they have had eanough to tell them when to switch positions or tools or in this case of denial to be the submissive during a teasing and decide that your dominant should give you an orgasm or more so make them give you an orgasm? But outside of all that since your dominant did not come to you and ask you to submit, you asked them to dominante and lead and they agreed for you not the other way around that for some reason people think you are wrong for telling your dominant about how to dominante you and what works and what doesn’t and explain to someone how to do something or where to learn how to do it, I mean the nerve of you to think you know more than your wife who agreed to be the leader and dominante you I mean she obviously knows what you are thinking and feeling you don’t need to communicate it to her by now she’s probably a pro dominatrix who knows all your kinky fetishes and doesn’t need you to tell her she’s doing a good job or how something made you feel or if she can do something better, cause what if she thought just running a piece of string on you or punching your balls would bring you to orgasm you would most def be topping from the bottom if you ever told her differently, obviously I’m being sarcastic I’m on your side you can’t expect someone who agreed to do something for you to know everything even if it’s something they don’t know anything about or even if it doesn’t really turn them on they agreed to turn you on and they need to learn how to do it right for you.
I tried to be brief in my response. Generally speaking, while an activity is going on, responses are usually part of the scene itself. For example, when Mrs. Lion is spanking me, if I yell, “Stop!”, or “No”, or beg her to take it easy or stop, she will ignore me. Those responses are expected parts of the activity. On the other hand, if I say, “Yellow” she knows I am having a hard time with her intensity and will, for a bit, back off. If I say, “Red” the spanking stops immediately. That safeword gives me the ability to end activity in the case of an emergency. Once I say that, no more activity takes place.
If Mrs. Lion could use a more effective paddle, or I think another position would be more useful, that conversation is reserved for a later time distanced from the heat of the moment. Topping from the bottom would be what you suggested in your comment. Even in a lifestyle power exchange, limits can be stated and respected. Since people who have domestic discipline relationships tend to be in a long term situation, they know each other and respect limits.
I have taught Mrs. Lion how to do various things. I’ve been a BDSM educator for decades. I’ve shared my knowledge with her. I never correct her while she is, for example, spanking me.Any teaching is reserved for down times. If she doesn’t want my input, she will tell me. When I help her learn, it isn’t topping from the bottom. It’s offering help. Similarly, if my submission has made me more willing to share deep-seated wants and needs, it could upset her for a while. But I have the obligation to share these needs. It’s part of me. Whether she chooses to indulge them is strictly her choice.
Comments are closed.