I’m pissed off!
I had a completely different post planned for today, but I’ve had enough. Over the last nearly-four years there have been a number of comments about topping from the bottom. Not one of the people complaining that I do this, actually knows what the term means. Topping from the bottom refers to bottoms who try to direct a scene while it’s in progress. It has nothing to do with conversations outside of the activity involved. For the sake of those who still don’t get it, if I try to change Mrs. Lion’s spanking style while she is spanking me, then I am topping from the bottom.
If I suggest new ways to do things outside of the time we are actually doing them, I may be annoying but it isn’t topping from the bottom.
Specifically, Mrs. Lion wrote of her frustration about an email exchange I am having with someone I greatly respect. The exchange discussed the nature of spanking, specifically in relation to me; more about that in a few paragraphs. Mrs. Lion and I have a longstanding misunderstanding about the meaning of my attempts to convey newly acquired knowledge. This isn’t confined to power exchange information. It happens no matter what the subject.
When I discuss new possibilities, Mrs. Lion internalizes my suggestions to means she isn’t doing enough to make me happy. She invariably jumps to this conclusion. She freely admits this. I’m faced with choosing not to offer ideas to avoid this situation or to remind her she is doing a great job and my ideas are just that, ideas for different-not-better ways of doing things. In the context of our domestic discipline, she can simply thank me for my ideas and let me know she isn’t ready to try anything new just yet. Information is not criticism. It’s just knowledge being shared.
Now, as promised, here is the real story about what all this sturm and drang is about. In my correspondence I asked about spanking. I was, in turn, asked how I reacted. Specifically, I was asked if I reacted as a child. Do I kick my feet? Beg to have the spanking stop, promising never to do it again? Cry? Roll over to stop it, only to be told to expose my bottom again? The answer to all except rolling over is “no.”
I recently wrote that I wasn’t exactly sure why the practice of spanking is so ubiquitous, but it is. Now I think I understand. Each and every spanking is supposed to be cathartic. It is successful when it allows cathartic release. It isn’t the color of my butt that decides when the spanking is done. It’s when I have exhibited that I experienced the release.
This isn’t Mrs. Lion’s problem; at least not entirely. Her role is to not stop until that release occurs. In the context of a spanking, my “no” means “yes.” “Yellow” means keep going, just a little lighter for a bit. Rolling over means telling me to get my butt back and even raise it to ask for a hard swat. The rest is up to me. My reaction to painful swats has been to literally roar and scream. It’s not the reaction of the vulnerable child. It’s a dominant, grownup protest to the pain.
I’m learning that for me to successfully surrender, I have to react as the child. The spanking is a demonstration of my submissive position to my lioness. It isn’t so much about the pain, though there is plenty. It’s about me feeling punished and having gotten to the point I am just a blubbery mass of submission. That actually doesn’t require the hardest possible swats, just unrelenting spanking until I experience that catharsis.
This won’t happen for either of us all at once. I have to learn to react appropriately. Mrs. Lion has to learn to guide me. Like everything else we do together, I’m confident we will work at it until we both succeed.
This is what I want. I’m hoping Mrs. Lion will be willing to help me achieve it. If not, we will be fine and our power exchange will continue. I have a lot of confidence in her. Sometimes it appears I have more in her than she does in herself. If she is willing she will succeed. I am not nearly as sure I will learn my part.
There was a second concept mentioned: humiliation. That, for the record, is less about learning to submit than it is about a long-held kink. I admit I haven’t really had a chance to experience much of it, but the thought turns me on. Perhaps being made (not me volunteering) to wear panties and bra for Mrs. Lion, maybe under my clothes, is the sort of experience that would work with me. I don’t know.
I’m not saying I expect Mrs. Lion to start making me do this for her right now. I’m simply saying that when that subject came up, it turned me on. That’s all. Diapers also fit into the humiliation arena too, obviously. When Mrs. Lion makes me wear them and makes frequent reference to the infantile lion having to be diapered, it is exciting.