Mrs. Lion’s post yesterday got me thinking. Is communicating what works for me, topping from the bottom? The answer to that question has to be based on how Mrs. Lion thinks about what I tell her. If she sees my suggestions as a direction to try, well then I suppose you could say I am leading more than following.
I think there is a common misconception about topping and bottoming. Many people believe that the top controls what happens to the bottom. The bottom is the hapless receiver of topish attention. That couldn’t be further from the truth. A power exchange is a conversation. Both the top and the bottom communicate about reactions to activities as well as aspirations of what one or the other thinks will work for them.
The idea that my role is to simply accept what Mrs. Lion chooses to do to me puts too much pressure on her. Our marriage is a partnership. We have always been able to divide chores and make decisions in a way that leaves us happy. Because she loves me, Mrs. Lion is willing to adopt our power exchange. It makes no sense to say, “Ok, you’re in charge. What do you want me to do?”
A relationship is a complex dance. Both partners have to do the same steps or they could fall over. Since I initiated enforced chastity and domestic discipline, it’s up to me to provide the framework for our power exchange. I suggest things that we could do. I comment on how I am feeling. Mrs. Lion does the same.
That doesn’t mean we have a democracy. She’s leading this dance. I’m just suggesting steps I’ve learned elsewhere. In the beginning, I was the choreographer. I designed how things would work. That didn’t mean she did exactly what I suggested. Oh no, far from it. But it gives her a framework that lets her grow into her role.
She doesn’t think she will ever be a “natural” dominant. I don’t think she will either. But I think she is well on her way to being an effective top who has taken control of me in many areas of my life. I think the key to all this is that she has to try something and then see how we both react. It takes time.
Mrs. Lion knows, for example, I am happier if she locks me back up immediately after she’s done teasing me. She thought that I would enjoy extra time out of my cage. I don’t. She’s also learned how to discipline me effectively. This is an area she is still developing. The idea of punishing me is alien to her on many levels. She does it anyway because she knows it’s what I want.
Over time she will acquire her own style. At that point she will be leading the dance and I will follow obediently. Until then, we learn from each other and invent a dance we can both do.